h4ppY n3w Y34r!!!!111!!!!

Here it is, 2008 on the East Coast. Just thought I'd wish everyone a Happy New Year!

It's funny, but I'm actually itching to get back to work. I guess I'm not the type of person that handles extended vacations very well. I complain about the job, but I've found that getting up early and getting work done is pretty satisfying.

And when I'm not working, I need to get an X-Box so I can play Guitar Hero. I've become addicted to it here. It's pretty cool, working through Easy Mode and slowly building up to the advanced levels, my fingers taking on an almost subliminal, reflexive life of their own as they hit the right cords.

Like everyone who plays the virtual version of something, I now think I'd be pretty good on the guitar... If I ever learned to play, that is.


Ugh, so many freakin' bugs. Ants everywhere.

So Florida is starting to wear on me, and I yearn for home.

I guess its the heat, the swamp land, the bugs, the innumerable strip
malls that seem to be taking over the country, etc.

I won't be back for awhile though, so I'm trying to enjoy the time
with the family.

I'm going to miss Mum n' my lil sisters.

Probably won't be back in these parts til Christmas '08. Maybe having
cleavage will make the Florida experience better ;)

Sent from my iPhone


Here it is, 2am SF time (Even though I'm still in Florida, I'm still thinking in West Coast time).

I don't usually dream about people I know, but I dreamed that I reconnected with Emmy last night.

Heh, and after I just resolved to not live in the Past anymore...

Anyway, in the dream I was walking in the halls of my Hotel and saw her from the back, her hair longer and dyed, and was debating whether I should say anything to her. I compromised by walking past her field of vision, pretending that I didn't see her.

And the next thing I know, we're walking down a long corridor I don't recognize, that slowly transforms into a little walking path I knew from Virginia, that was bordered by trees on one side and the fenced in backyards of condos on the other.

We were talking and she started crying, which made me start crying, and we apologized for being stupid and held hands.

So here I am, up and feelin' melancholy. Christmas Eve marked Four months without a cigarette, so that makes a little over five without Emmy.

I'm probably still thinking about her because there wasn't any "closure". No final goodbye, no questions answered. ...Too bad life can't be as tidy as a TV show.

Maybe one day, before I move out of SF, I'll try to see her one last time and ask her what happened.

Though I can't imagine her answering.

*sigh*. I miss her.


Further strengthening my decision in choice of Surgeon, Dr. Chett sent me an email wishing me Happy Holidays and all that. A little thing, but still thoughtful, methinks.

Christmas went as well as these things usually do. Spent the day with Mom's family, and got a bit of cash. Mom bought me a bunch of wardrobe additions, which was pretty cool of her. I was thinking I'll have to do some more shopping in a few months to accommodate my "Chestal Expansion", but Mom bought be a bunch of V-necked This and Thats.

And harkoning back to the previous entry, only the two txted me back. So I'm a bit depressed. Hmm, I have a habit of living in the past too much. I should probably work on that for the coming year.


Happy Holidays

On my way back to Moms house after a Christmas party with my "step-
fathers" family.

They are LOADED. Two million dollar home stacked high with presents,
lobster, and an open bar.

As usual, I didn't feel part of it all, so after making an appearance,
I found a quiet corner with a drink and zones out as much as I could.

After a few drinks the caterer and I started flirting. Its a No Date
policy, so some harmless flirting with someone 3000 miles away is
covered in a sub-paragraph somewhere, I believe.

Anywa, I love my iPhone. Its got me through a whole day of parties,
and Church. 'Arrested Development' makes everything easier to deal with.

I just texted a bunch of exes, probably due to the Vodka, wishing them
Happy Holidays. So far 2 have replied, and I have a bet with myself
about how many more will right back.

I don't expect everyone to write back, but I will be a bit depressed
if those are the only two...

Sent from my iPhone


Made it to Florida OK. I always find it weird, coming back to Florida. The heat, the bugs- blah.

Anyway, as Hotel Business has been slow, I did not receive a Christmas Bonus this year. Blah again.

I'm still trying to make sure the family has a nice Holiday. Got everyone a ton of gifts, and am trying to make the most of my days here.

Oh yeah, so my last entry I mentioned I was kind of giving up dating. I don't remember half of writing that entry- I was exhausted and falling asleep. But the gist remains.

It's just too much hassle, too expensive, too time consuming... I think a nice long break from relationship woes will do me some good. Doesn't leave much interesting fodder for the ole' blog, though.

We'll see how it turns out. Sometimes I just seem to trip and fall into these Romantic Comedy/Horror movies.


Ooh boy, time flies away again.

Well I'm mostly packed and ready to go. Shana will be coming over and we'll go out on the town for a bit. Whenever I fly I like to have a nice dinner the night before.

(A Few Hours Pass)

Back from dinner. I had wanted to go to my favorite Steak place, but they were about to close, so we ended up at my standby Thai place. I always kind of feel like a celebrity going there, since everyone knows me and what I'll order. A lot of really cute girls work there, too, but I've never tried to strike up a conversation.

I'd like to hold on to a neutral ground where I can relax and enjoy myself. Shana and I had a nice dinner and a long conversations. Had a few drinks too. For the first time since I started eating there, I opted for a cocktail instead of beer. Multiple cocktails, of the Blue Margarita variety. A little "fruity", perhaps, but I was in the mood for flamboyance.

One waitress we had put a strain on my "Not Sh!#$ing where I eat policy, as she was just so darn cute, with a bit of a sexy streak going on. I remained steadfast though, despite Shana's disappointment, which started an hour long debate on human/animal nature.

Anyway, as the drinks started flowing I revealed to her that I had pretty much given up dating- for now. I guess I revealed it to myself, too. After "The Actress", I just stopped...trying?

I avoid eye contact when walking down the street, and try to keep conversation with strangers to a minimum. I'm just not interested in the Rules and the Ritualistic Nature of it

I'd like to write more about this revelation, but I'm falling asleep at the keyboard. Need to rest, need to get up early...today.


The Cake is a Lie

I haven't done any gaming in awhile, but I happened across a copy of Portal and played through it. Very short, but pretty fun. Afterwards I decided to buy 'The Orange Box' as a gift for the family. Yup, Half-Life 2 is the gift that just keeps giving.

Can't believe Christmas is only ten days away. I don't count the days of Christmas down like when I was a kid. I suppose that once you start growing up, the Holidays become more about togetherness and making sure the next generation holds onto that magic for as long as possible and has fun.

I do kind of miss when my Mom would write me notes (from Santa) and leave them in my Stocking.



So Cograts to my Mom, who just tied the knot with her boyfriend of a few years.

Wow. I've go a new Dad now. Hmmm... Should only take a few years to wrap my mind around that one.

Well anyway, sorry for the delay between entries. Been really busy with the Holiday planning and such. I'm also scouting out plane ticket prices for my trip in May. I'll be purchasing that early next week.

Let's see... Ah. I don't know if I've reached some sort of 'Tipping Point', or perhaps it's just one person that's been busy online, but starting last month I've been getting a few emails a week from people alerting me to other people out there using my Pic, sometimes my name, too. Myspace, Craigslist, chat rooms...

It's kind of interesting, and I haven't gotten worked up over it. Besides a deep, twisted sense of flattery, I don't have much feelings about it. I mean, what can you do? If you put something out on the internet, you have to expect things like this to happen.


Still going semi-strong. Haven't micro-dozed off yet. Boy, this Kindle really is amazing. I've bought a few books, but I find myself browsing the amazon store a lot and just downloading Samples and reading through those.

I like reading a couple of chapters of one book before switching to another book. Repeat a dozen times or so until I return to the first book and advance a little more. I guess I crave variety.

One book I have finished on the Device was Crooked Little Vein, by Warren Ellis, which was one of those books I'll probably find myself reading again and again over the years. A very satirical dark comedy, which I tend to enjoy. I recommend it to anyone who doesn't get offended or grossed out easily.

Blog Blog Blog it all!

Oof, what a day. Work was killer, real busy, boss constantly on me about this or that, and I had to stay a few hours late.

After a day like that, I need to go unwind, which usually involves treating myself to a nice dinner and a little alcohol. So I went to a Steak House I like and got a nice meal, plus some Martinis. I haven't drunk Vodka since my plane ride to the funeral, so my tolerance has slipped a bit.

Needless to say I got home around 9:30pm and crashed, but got a phone call from my boss around midnight. Long story short (though a tad convoluted), the person working the swing shift at the desk was short a bit of cash at the end of her shift, and I guess she partly blamed the grave shift worker who arrived early and was hanging out in the cramped little office and distracting her.

So the grave worker got upset and left, and as the boss sided with the swing clerk, I was told to basically fire her (she lives pretty close by) and work the grave myself. So, here I am.

It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't nauseous from the vodka, and I didn't have to work till 4PM. Well, that's my job. I suppose my commitment is why I was promoted. But if some dot com millionaire wants to come take me away from all this, be my guest ;)

(And speaking of Dot Coms, this video is hilarious, and catchy- Here Comes Another Bubble)


Synchronicity again. Came across this Guide to Living Your Life Consciously. Seems like the exercises might help me out a bit.


To elaborate a bit on my last post, I feel great about moving forward, but I also regret the lost Time. I mean, I could have done this awhile ago. But my first year in San Francisco was mostly surviving, barely scraping by. And then I started getting into a groove and start climbing my way to the "top". Now for almost a year, I've been enjoying my spoils.

And then one day I wake up and three and a half years have disappeared and I'm quickly approaching 25. Besides having a bit more money, I was still in the same rut I've been in for almost half a decade!

It's so easy to let time just slip you by. I'm glad I Woke Up sooner rather than later, but I'm still kicking myself for the waste.


Well, I seem to be better. I slathered some hydrocortisone on it and my color returned to normal by the next day. Thanks to everyone who wrote in with advice! Much appreciated.

So I finished my Christmas Shopping today, so that's out of the way. It will all be shipped to Florida ahead of my arrival, wrapped n' ready to go. Ahh, the Wonder of Amazon.com.

I'm looking forward to the trip home, and two whole weeks off from work.

I'm also feeling reflective, as usual, and I've found that I don't feel 'stagnant' anymore. For awhile there it was just a blur of the same old routine. Now that I've scheduled this surgery though, I feel like I'm going somewhere- it's not just a star on the horizon that I never seem to get any closer to.

It's only five months! And then it's only a short hop and skip to SRS, and then... Hmm, haven't thought that far ahead yet. I'm guessing it won't be dramatically different, but maybe I'll finally be a bit closer to finding peace.



Why can't I just ever be "normal"? Woke up this morning with bright pink cheeks (on my face) and it's kind of freaking me out. There doesn't seem to be any swelling, and it's not tender...

Ugh, I swear, if it's not one thing, it's another with me. Hope I don't fucking have Lupus, or something...


I've got a Fever!

I know, I know. I can't help it- I've got chronic Gadget Fever. It's usually treatable, but unfortunately my affliction is further compounded by EAS (Early Adopters Syndrome).

So, Yes, I am now the proud owner of Amazon's Kindle. (LOL- the screensaver on the Kindle just popped up and thanked me for "Being an Early Adopter." Synchronocity!)

A Kindle Mini- Review:

So I'm really enjoying it so far. As soon as I turned it on, it welcomed me with a letter from Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. Soon after, I was browsing the Kindle Store and downloaded a bunch of free samples (first chapters).

I've owned the Sony E-book Reader for almost a year now, but this just blows it out of the water. I never bought any content from Sony's E-book store- I just used the device to easily read all the documents I had downloaded that I didn't want to sit in front of a computer and read.

I purchased one book already on the Kindle, 'Jennifer Government', and in general I'm amazed how streamlined everything is- especially for a V1.0 device. Plus the amount of content is unbelievable. Unlike Sony's store, there's a TON of things I actually want to read. I'll have to limit myself to 2 or 3 books a paycheck, though. Kind of like how I had to curb my iTunes spending.

On the downside, again, this is a V1.0 device, so there are a few nagging problems. The main issue I've had, as have others, is the big navigation buttons make it easy to turn pages accidentally. And browsing the online Kindle store on the device isn't as efficient as on the computer.

Also, the Kindle supports fewer formats natively, so I've had to convert most of my documents by emailing them to Amazon, where they convert it and send it to the device for a 10 cent charge. I could have them converted for free, and then put it on the device myself, but I'm willing to pay a few bucks for convenience.

But these minor issues haven't taken much away from my enjoyment, and I believe the Kindle definitely has a long future ahead of it.


Holy Crap, where was Vienna my whole Mac life? I usually just read RSS feeds through my browser, but after coming across this little program I don't know how I got by without it.

He Returns!

So guess what? MIKE just wrote me! Longtime readers might recall him as my one friend (such as he was) from my high school years in Virginia, and many of my old Geocity entries concerned the angst over how "mean" he was to me.

Last time I heard from him was an email back in September 2003. That month, you can also read about me "finally" settling on a career choice (don't even remember what that was, now) my hatred of Macs, and my first pair of high heels.

Boy, I thought I knew everything in September of 2003... I had no way of knowing I wouldn't REALLY know everything until March, 2005.

Anyhoo, Mike and I had something of a falling out after he ditched me in a small town hours away from home, and as I moved away and he joined the military, we fell out of contact.

It was really great hearing from him again, so I sent a long email summing up the last four years as best I could, and included a few pics of the family and such. "Such" being pics of some of the 'h0T cHiXo0rS' I've had in the interval. Not that I was bragging, or anything...

I hope I hear back from him- I think it would be nice to stay in touch.


Kotaku Link

It's been a long time since I cried. I suppose it's comforting to know I'm still capable of it.


Happy Thanksgiving!

Or as Shana says, the day Animals died for your Grin.

So as I mentioned before, I wired my 10% deposit and secured my surgical date of May 17th.

I did a lot of research and talked with some satisfied patients, so I'm pretty confident with Dr. Chettawut's abilities, plus I've always wanted to go to Thailand...

I am imagining being terrified laying on the table in that moment before I lose consciousness though, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.



Well, 'The Mist' was interesting. I liked it, but I had to think about WHY I liked it.

I guess it was because the "Monsters" almost took a backseat to the human drama. How normal people can revert to primal ways, and how dangerous they can be.

And the ending was... Ah, ironic? I don't know. I didn't think it was totally awful- I was expecting worse based on some Reviews.

So there we go. Obviously I'm not going to make a living as a movie critic anytime soon, but to sum up, though it made me feel sad for the human race, I got a couple of somewhat enjoyable hours out of it.

Well while I was eating the Chinese I saw that 'The Mist' was out, so
I decided to see it on an impulse.

At the theatre now.

The reviews seem mixed to poor, but I'm a sucker for interdimensional
doorways being opened with disastrous consequences.

Apparently the ending is supposed to suck, or be some sort of 'Bold
Decision'. We'll see...

Sent from my iPhone


Oof, had another Laser Hair Removal Appointment today. It's been awhile, but now it's time for another few rounds of treatment.

Not too bad, now. With some hydro-cortisone it's barely red.

In other news, I just got a 3G cellular broadband card for my Macbook, so now I have highspeed without being tethered to wifi. The method I used to route the Hotel's internet up to my room through the powerlines has been acting spotty since day one.

It's sad, going to bed early just because the internet doesn't work :(

But no more! Woo Hoo!

Hmm, and back to TG news, I have made a deposit and confirmed my Cosmetic surgery date.

Oops, Chinese food is here. More details to come...

About the surgery stuff, not the Chinese. ...Though food blogs are pretty popular.




Here we are, one step closer to a portable compendium of all written knowledge. ...With a small fee, of course.

I thought the NewsWeek article was a good read as well.

I've got Gadget Fever.


Well, solitude is nice, but it's still cool to talk and hang out with someone. 'The Vegan', 'Shana', who used to work here a long time ago has come back to town. We used to argue all the time- I believe in scientific and technological advancement, she thinks people should live in small villages and forage.

But eventually we worked through our differences and became friends. She was my first "alternative" friend, being some sort of tofu-loving-hippy-lesbian. And Shana also happened be the only friend I made here that didn't take advantage of me, which was refreshing.

She's bummed around the world for a bit and after trying to live in Chicago, which she found horrible, she's decided to move back here.

She bought me dinner yesterday- Vegan only, of course. But it was still filling and better then Ramen.


It's interesting, being poor again. It was nice to reach the point where I could go out to eat every night, and make a nice upper-middle class purchase every week. To just walk around downtown until I saw something nice in a window, and wear it home.

And I could keep living that way, and get to my target savings goal in 2018, or so. To accelerate that time line, I've gone on "autopilot". (If you saw the Adam Sandler movie 'Click', you know what I'm talking about. I liked that, BTW. Who would've guessed the Water Boy could make me cry?)

Basically I just drift through the day, keeping my head in the clouds so I don't get a craving for Duck Curry or some new boots.

I strictly budget money for groceries and bills, and a small weekly "allowance", and after it's gone, it's gone.

So I see my checking account balance at a little over $1, and my savings account balance next to it that's a significantly higher number. And though I'm tempted to easily transfer the funds over, I know that's where it starts- those few dollars here and there.

The mindset I'm in now, that saving account might as well be light years away. It's untouchable. It's practically not even there.


I remember when Christmas was weeks of anticipation about what I'd be getting and shaking the wrapped gifts to guess what they were. Waking up early to see if Santa Clause had eaten the cookies.

It seemed like things were a lot less complicated when I was an only child.

Now it seems the Holidays are about ferrying messages back and forth between two ex-spouses who hate each other.

Dad is going to be going out to Florida too, for Christmas, and I had visions of us all being together again. But the tension lies in Mom not wanting Dad out of sight with the girls. She wants everyone together all the time, and that's not what Dad wanted to hear.

It's hard talking to my Dad when he's upset. He can get really, really nasty. I was trying to remain impartial and come to a compromise on all this, but it's not easy. He's paranoid, and seems to imagine everyone as monsters. And he really believes it, so it's pointless to argue with the accusations he makes, because they're "facts".

I don't really know where it stands, he was vague, as usual. He didn't exactly agree to the terms, but said he wants to see them.

So I don't know if that means he'll follow through on some sort of legal action he's been threatening or what.

I had to get out of the conversation when he started directing his anger towards me.

I just hope this all works out. This trip to Florida is also my vacation, and I just need a break sometime. I don't want to spend it stressed out and in the middle of all this.


I guess the lesson here is to don't get married.

Happy Holidays


I've always wanted my own Space Ship

As a supposed gadget nut and Tech-head, I think it's kind of funny that all my recent computers have only had about 1 gig of ram. I always tell myself I'll add the extra stick later, but I never seem to get around to it.

So I finally made the plunge the other day and now I'm "Rocking" two gigs in my MacBook Pro. It's helped out with an online game I've started playing called 'Eve Online'. I go by 'Luna Lunestra', 'Alexia Dark', and 'Death Hairball' if anyone wants to look me up (or donate some ISK to a n00b :)

It's so vast and complicated I'm still just trying to get the hang of it.

It costs about $15 a month, but I figure if it keeps me from going out for one dinner, it's already paid for itself.

Much like how I quit smoking, I've been setting little goals for myself to keep me indoors, seeing how many days can go by without stepping foot outside (Since I Live and Work in the Same place). Food Supplies- Low. But I think I can make it till Next paycheck.

It's odd, making all this money but living like I was when I first moved to San Francisco over three years ago.

To keep at it, I reward myself every couple of weeks with One night out to dinner and some Bargain Bin clothes shopping.

So far so Good, but it doesn't leave many adventures to write about.


Not much going on, but I'm making an effort to get a post up at least weekly.

I've been enjoying my solitude, and the money being saved by not going out. Ever since I decided to get some surgery done in a matter of a few months, I've been pretty pumped up about squeezing every dime I can out of my weekly expenditures.

I'm also trying to eat better, not with the goal of losing weight, but to just consume healthier foods. Instead of Pepsi, I've switched to sparkling water. Breakfast is fresh fruit and yogurt, and for lunch, more fruit, usually an avocado, and vegetable soup. And dinner lately has been salmon and vegetables- I think I need to learn some more recipes soon.

It's been over two weeks now, and still going strong. Mainly because I snack here and there on apple chips or tortillas and salsa, or cheese and crackers.

Mmmm, I think I'll grab some of that cheese now...


Jack Frost nipping

I was taking a walk after work to the Grocery store, and now that the clock was set back and the sky was darker, clear, and noticeably colder, I suddenly "felt" like the Holidays were upon us, like how a smell can trigger a memory.

In that instant I thought of snow, presents, and pumpkin pie. I thought of shopping and giving and receiving. And I felt the Bonds of Family.

There was also a tinge of bitter happiness, and a feeling of Fleeting Time, of loneliness, of good intentions met with indifference.

My earliest memory of my Mom holding me as she whispers that she has a surprise for me, and whisking away the curtains to show the lawn covered with snow.

I remember when I was 5, finding my presents stashed away in a closet, but purposely hiding them again, trying not to see what they were.

I recall sneaking outside into the Virginian dusk, flurries dancing in the wind, clutching a small hand wrapped present as I ran through the empty suburban streets towards my crushes house to drop it off in her mailbox.

In that chill, you really begin to appreciate even the promise of warmth. The smell of a fireplace, the glow from a house full of friends and family...

I think of gazing upon fresh snow and not wanting to see it destroyed, but then I make a snowman all the same. I think of that big box full of Holiday Greeting cards a coworker bought for everyone, and feeling more and more depressed as I leafed through the envelopes without seeing my name.

And I remember crying when Emmy gave me one, with a gift, too- the first I ever received from outside the family.

And most of all, I think of the innumerable times I stood outside in the dark, the cold, from Christmas Eve to New Year, closing my eyes, trying to find that smell of burning wood and taking a deep breath, then staring up at the stars while nursing a perpetually broken heart, remembering all the unfulfilled dreams of the previous year while designing new plans for the coming one.

And I remember idly wondering if this sadness is normal, and if it ever goes away. And I'd hug myself tight and stare at the stars some more before sighing and heading back inside, the heat an almost physical force that would engulf me like a giant fist as soon as I opened the door, and I'd give a little sigh- of comfort- as I kicked off my shoes.

Heh, funny how a cool breeze can invoke all of that.

Stay tuned

So as I said before, the original plan was to save up a big, round number, and combine a bit of travel with the surgical work I want done.

Well, I'm not getting any younger, and I've decided to move up my surgical time table for the cosmetic portion of the work. Right now I'm in contact with my thoroughly researched Doc, and we're possibly looking at Mid-May.

I got to thinking that it might be in my best interest to finish school before I head out, but I just couldn't see myself waiting that long to get this cosmetic stuff out of the way. So, I crunched the numbers and found I'd have more than enough by April.

Though my travel plans will be delayed, I think I'll be happier during the wait.

More details as they become more available.


What is it about european accents?

Well, I was a little disappointed Thursday because I wasn't hungover at all. Throwing up ever twenty minutes, though awful, at least means I had a pretty good time the previous night.

Even after downing a pint of rum and a few Vodka Rocks, I was still pretty sober and therefore didn't completly let loose like I did last year.

Anyway, after the Photo Shoot I walked downtown (wearing a long trench coat) to the Cat Club, which had a pretty long wait to get in. The guys in front of me were totally wasted and kept falling back into me and profusely apologizing.

It's the first time I ever went to a club alone, so without anyone to drag me out to the dance floor after I went in I grabbed a drink and spent most of the time on a bench in the corner.

I didn't mind too much, because I can be perfectly content to stay to myself and just people watch. What was kind of strange was people coming up to touch me, like I was a mannequin or something.

Maybe I looked glum, because one guy gave me a 'Everything's going to be alright' look and rubbed my shoulder, another one whispered in my ear how hot my stockings were and snapped them. Before I could react to either they had moved on.

I had noticed some guy in a skeleton mask occasionally hovering around me for about an hour before (I guess) he worked up the nerve to come talk to me. He was "in character" for a bit as a knife-wielding skeleton thing, which was kind of annoying, but after awhile he took off as the mask and we got to chatting, and we kind of had a lot in common.

Though, he's never seen any Indiana Jones movies. What's up with that?

He was from London, and kind of cute. I won't bore you with all the details, we just talked for almost two hours and then he walked me home. I had gotten hot in the club, so I kept my jacket off despite the chill outside and was greeted with every other car honking as it drove by.

Hehe, it was kind of an ego-boost.

Anyway, we exchanged email addresses. He was heading back to London the next day but offered to get me lunch sometime when he's back in town, and I agreed.

Pretty tame- No kisses or Blowjobs or anything.

And so ended Halloween 2007.


La purrrr

Sent Stacia a rather long email to speak my peace. I put alot into it
and I think it got pretty sweet near the end. In fact, I'll go so far
as to say it was one of my most touching writings in awhile, and
basically said I can't stand her and wished her the best.

It wasn't quite that abrubt though. Quite beautiful.

Of course I don't even think she read it to the end and just said
something along the lines that I was harrassing her with insults.

Ah well, some things just can't end well. So I've gotten over that
pretty quickly, and now on to Halloween.

My "costume" is basically just a really slutty tube dress with slits
up the side, and some cat ears.

With Stacia out, I'm not sure what I'll do. Probaly just hop around
some clubs. I'm taking off work tomorrow, in preparation for a massive

Who knows, maybe I'll meet some new friends tonight.


Sent from my iPhone


Just call me Jill Valentine

I'll also accept Ash.

Would you survive a zombie attack?

You Did perfect!

You made every move correctly.

Personality Test Results

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Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.


Well the Leopard install went smoothly. Took a nap, and when I woke up it was done. So far I haven't had any problems that some others have had.

Dreams- I've been dreaming about zombies lately. Not nightmares (I can't even remember the last time I had one of those) but just... Zombies.

Usually I'm the lone survivor, or I'm trying to save someone. I think in one the possibility was open that my brother might have been eaten. (My dreams are filled with cliffhangers)

I haven't even played Resident Evil in ages. Well, in case the Zombie Apocolypse is near, I've got my copy of 'The Zombie Survival Guide'.

In other news, this time, For SURE, Stacia and I are done. We reconnected a bit after her relationship woes, but the girl is, Pardon the cliché, crazy.

Everything I do or say, if it doesn't involve instantly fulfilling her wishes, is a subversive psychological manipulation on my part.

She can call me names in jest, but when I do the same, I have a 'spiteful' edge to it. She dropped by to pick up the resumé I printed out for her, and she wanted to use my computer to check her email. I said I was working, but I'd be off in a 1/2 hour and she could check
it then.

The boss was already a little upset (and he doesn't like her that much anyway) so I didn't want to rock the boat. Now, we had plans to hang out on Halloween, but apparently she had to 'punish' me, so out of the blue she said she was busy that night and couldn't make it.

Keep in mind I had no idea that she got miffed about the email thing. It came out in an argument later. So I was upset about her sudden backing out, and that I had already gave her some money to spend on our night out (which I asked her to give back for backing out, but she
'wasn't sure when' she'd be able to return it)

So our quiet exchange blew up as she kept accusing me of things I didn't even do, that's completly in her head. She literally seemed INCAPABLE of understanding where I was coming from at all, that I just didn't want to get at trouble at work for letting her check her email.

As the fight was reaching its conclusion, she tried to hurt me again by saying something along the lines of 'Well I WAS going to forgive you and hang out but after what you just said-'

I didn't let her finish- I just gave her the resumé and told her to have a nice life.

Ugh... Women...

Sent from my iPhone


Christmas comes Early!

So look what showed up today, two hours before the scheduled delivery. The box hologram is pretty cool- it seems to have a depth, giving the impression you can fall into another universe if you look to closely.

Yes, please.

My Dad bought an iMac yesterday, so I walked him through the iChat setup, and before long I had the first Video Chat with my Mac. Boy, I remember playing around with stuff like that years ago on a PC, but it was basically a slideshow. It's amazing how far it's come in just a couple of years.

So that inspired me, and I've decided to buy a Mac for my Mom and Sisters for Christmas- that way I'll be able to see them a little more. And maybe I can start a video conference with Dad, too, so the whole family can be together again for a few minutes, virtually.


Well two month anniversary of Not Smoking today. Hard to believe.

In Mac news, I preordered the Leopard OS upgrade. No camping out, this

I also bought my pass to the upcoming MacWorld Expo. My first one- I'm
pretty excited.

And in other news, I'm not feeling well, so I'm going to lay down for
a bit.

Sent from my iPhone


Lazzzy Sunday

Well, it started off that way.

I slept in until around 8:30am, and then I went to get breakfast- bacon, sausage, eggs, hash browns, and French toast, with extra butter and syrup. See? I'm not anorexic. (My Mom had a talk with me so that period of craziness I wrote about in my last entry is over with, for now.)

And then I took a long walk around the city. Nike was sponsoring a marathon for cancer or something, so there were alot of women walking around with pink running shirts. I went to borders and caught up with a few of the latest periodicals, and then I went back home and napped until 2pm.

Then Stacia called.

She was 'Off Again' with her significant other and I guess she wanted to vent. So we went out and had some wine. It was fine for awhile but we started fighting again as usual, but nothing too major.

I rarely go to 'The Mission' but it's a good place to walk around. We ended up hanging out until almost midnight or so- 9 hours filled with sushi, alcohol, and falafel.

It wasn't as lazy as I would have liked, but still a rather uneventful Sunday.



I don't have a scale, but I happened to be on one the other day, and I got all depressed about my weight. Sure, I had my clothes and shoes on, and had just eaten a steak and lobster dinner, but it was still rather depressing seeing that wheel spin towards 148.

So now I've been eating yogurt for breakfast and some carrot sticks for lunch.



Search Inside!

Call me a corny geek if you must, but I laughed out loud when I saw this book cover with Trademarked phrase.


The few joys of air travel...

So I'm back in San Francisco. That was...an experience. Most of the family was there, including some cousins that I haven't seen in over five years. The service went well, I suppose, and everyone commented on how peaceful grandpa looked.

First, as a visual, it wasn't like the movies or anything. We all went as a group to the funeral home, and there was grandpa laying in a large cardboard box, covered up to his neck in a blue plastic tarp. I was told he didn't spring for a casket, as he felt pretty much the same way I do- you're dead, so what does it matter?

It was all pretty surreal. He's laying there, looking like he's taking a nap. Everyone's quiet for awhile, and then someone starts a running commentary of our mortality, that this is where we all end up. There's some quiet agreements all around. People are starting to tear up.

Someone else says that he's in a better place now, with grandma. I don't roll my eyes, but I raise my eyebrows a bit.

And then people start loosening up, talking amongst themselves. People start telling funny stories about grandpa. Someone else goes on about all the paperwork they need to go through to get his money out of the bank.

Me, I just stood in corner, occasionally glancing over at the box, thinking about life and death and philosophy and all that crap. Reflecting, I suppose.

It was over pretty fast, and soon everyone starting piling out. I was the last one out of the room, the last person in the family to see him as a body before he was burned down to a few cubic centimeters of ash. I bid a final farewell and closed the door.

After that, I tried to spend as much time with my Mom and Sisters as I could before I flew out. And finally, after a few delays, I got back home around 130AM and slept in til' 6am before getting ready for work.


Not all Firsts are good

My Mom just called me an hour ago to tell me my Great-Grandfather passed away. The funeral is tomorrow, so I'm flying out at Noon, and I'll head back tomorrow evening.

He was 94, so he lived a full life, I suppose. Growing up, I remember him telling me and my cousins old war stories. One time his group was holed up in an office building and eventually found themselves surrounded by the enemy. Pretty soon, the Nazis had lit it on fire and were shooting people as they ran out. Grandpa was the sole survivor, because he was the only person small enough to squeeze through a back window and escape.

That story always stuck in my mind because if it wasn't for his small frame and that window, a good chunk of our family, myself included, wouldn't be here.

So anyway, I suppose funerals are a part of life- it just caught me unexpectedly. I suppose they always do.


Still Cleaning

Well, I bought my plane ticket to Florida today. It already cost $400,
so I figured I should get it now as Christmas is quickly approaching.

The Boss hinted that he'd pay me back for the ticket, plus I might get
some paid vacation time and a Christmas bonus on top of it.

Not too shabby.

So I'm still working on my room. Its not so much messy now, as
cluttered. I figured since I'm going to be here, hopefully, at least
another year, I might as well make it livable- maybe even a little

I went to the container store and picked up some shelving and drawers,
and I replaced my lightbulbs with compact florescents that claim
'natural' lighting. I don't know about that, but it does make a huge
difference. Finally that yellow tinge is gone.

I also threw away a ton of crap, donated some books and clothes, and
expanded my lab bench so everything's not piled together.

I'm proud of the place, finally. More room for my robot to crawl
around, now.

Sent from my iPhone


I need some more Comfortable shoes

Wow, I haven't walked that much in awhile.

Yesterday was a pretty active day in San Francisco- tons of events going on. I figured that as long as I've lived here, I should start making the time to experience more of the city. And now that my social calendar is wide open, it's a little easier.

It was Fleet Week, so I walked up to the Pier and saw some of the Navy ships that were docked. They had free tours, but the lines were huge and since it wasn't the 'USS Eldridge', I'm not that interested anyway.

Than I walked down through "Little Italy", where the Italian Heritage Parade was Marching. Saw the Mayor again and for the Second Time, could swear he winked at me. Guess he does that to everyone :)

So from there I began the long walk back, passing through the financial district, Chinatown, and Union Square. I love how diverse the city is, and how everything can change in a few blocks.

Before I got home I remembered that the Castro Street Fair was going on, so I began another long walk. Passed a KFC along the way and couldn't resist a Honey BBQ Burger with Potato Wedges and a Cherry Coke. Ahhhh, the joys of having a fast metabolism...

Anyhoo, so I just walked around that a bit, taking in the sites and drinking beer. (I usually only drink Guinness, but at the fair I discovered a fondness for Miller Genuine Draft.) Ah, and I got hit on my a lot of "Older Drag Queens".

So, with my legs and feet now killing me, I took a train back and spent a little while cleaning before The Simpsons came on.

Yup, the fun and excitement never ends with me around...


7337 h4cK1n sK1lllzzz

Well, 'The Actress' and I broke up. Short, but sweet.

So what have I been doing? Science'ing, mostly.

I mentioned my sleep experiment before. For a couple of weeks now, I've got it down to about four hours a night, but I still need a thirty minute nap after work.

That's four extra hours in my day, and I've found myself trying to fill that space with something productive, now that I've burnt the bridges to the key players in my social life.

I'm working on a robot now- something I've always wanted to do but had been held back by lack of programming skills. With the extra time though, I'm trying to teach myself the "basics", no pun intended. Ahhh, Computer Science Humor.

I'm also learning a little French.

As you can see, I'm still working things out. Soon I'll meet new people, but for now I'm just basking in the solitude. For now, I don'thave to deal with neediness or backstabbing- No manipulation, just... Silence.



Well Stacia and I just had another falling out, and this one's for good. Not because I think I screwed up so badly that there's no way she'd forgive, but because I don't want her in my life anymore.

She had called me up to discuss her relationship troubles, and as usual I'd listen and give advice and so on. After awhile she changed the subject to me, and said that I'd been coming off as sarcastic and big-headed lately- Basically, an exaggeration of the same thing I noticed and posted about a couple of entries ago- though I'd label it 'A Little More Self-Confident'.

So then she asked if she could call me Dice, whatever that means. Maybe Andrew Dice Clay? I don't know. So I said sure, if I could call her Joan Crawford.

So of course she got offended, and I didn't exactly smooth things over when I said "I don't think you're EXACTLY like her. Just possibly a tad bipolar." A little mean of me, maybe, but that's been my suspicion for awhile now. "Blah blah blah, HOW DARE YOU, NEVER CALL ME AGAIN!!! *click*"

Five minutes later she calls me back, and since I don't pick up, leaves a 3 minute rambling voicemail about how she's right and I'm wrong, Good Luck, all that. And then a few minutes she sends a text message that she knows that shes used me in the past, and that she's sorry.

So anyway, that's that. She's been an anchor weighing me down, and maybe she realizes that she's depended on me a little too much to. I think this will work out well for both parties.

Photo-Copying- the Sincerest Form of Flattery

Say Hello to Cara, everyone! Not a bad looking girl, if I do say so myself.

Wow, how strange. Never thought I'd see the day where someone would actually use my pic as their own.

Hmm, well at least I'm scoring a 9.9 right now, lol.

Thanks to M. for notifying me.

*Update- Looks the profile was removed already. That was quick.


Happy Anniversary

Well, Smoke Free for one month last Friday. And in just 23 short Months all the tar should be gone from my lungs!

I think the first noticeable benefit is improved skin. I've gotten compliments that I look brighter, like I'm glowing. And I haven't even had Sex lately!

Speaking of which, I'm actually getting along with 'Josie'. I thought our first date skewed south, but she ended up calling me that night and invited me out for a spontaneous dinner. After we finished eating, we just talked for over two hours. I didn't even realize I had that much to say!

We've emailed and txted everyday, and we'll be getting together again tomorrow. I'm not sure where our 'relationship' is going, but I'm enjoying it so far. I've been playing it 'Cold', letting her chase me, which is a new social dynamic that I find interesting, and I suppose I should get used to.

Also, it's been awhile since I met and connected with someone New. The last person was Stacia, and that was, like, almost a year ago?! Oof. I need to get out more. Anyway, it hit home for me that I've changed, yet again. I say more of what I'm thinking now, and tend to let my dry sarcastic humor out a great deal more. Heh, maybe it's from watching all those 'House' episodes. But I was really surprised at the things I was saying to this pretty girl I'd known, in person, all of five minutes.

It's like I suddenly became an interesting person that strangers want to get to know, but I still have problems with the initial approach, and so never realized my evolutionary growth over the last year.

I guess that sounds pretty pompous, but here I am.

Switching topics, another good thing in my life right now is my recent raise. I think it was because of iWork, and now the thing has already paid for itself. Of course the work I put into the reformatting of our old documents probably had something to do with it, as well.

It's kind of sad, because I think I have now reached the Ceiling, so to speak. I really don't think I could earn anymore here- I've reached the plateau. But factoring in my free rent and this new raise, this is a very high plateau- Growing up I'd thought I'd have to wear a suit down to Wall Street to earn this much.

So I should reach my targeted Savings amount sooner, but I think I'll still keep the same time frame. Never hurts to have some emergency funds for a rainy day.

So as El Jobso says, Namaste.


Dr.Evil Uses a Mac

So I went to the Apple Store with my $100.00 credit. I wanted a copy of iWork, because I figured putting some nice presentations together with Keynote, plus redoing all of our boring forms and invoices with some Numbers flair would go over well with the boss. (It has, by the way.) While I was there, though, I figured I might as well upgrade to the new iLife.

As bad as they say the new iMovie is, I'm still able to use '06 (Not that I use it that much, anyway) so it's not that big of a deal. I just like the new iPhoto, since all my pics are starting to add up, and I want to keep everything organized.

And then I saw a copy of 'The Sims 2' for Macs, and suddenly felt a wave of sadness for the families I left behind when I Switched. And so deciding to begin anew, I picked that up as well. (I'm married to Stacia and I have a cute little girl named Alexia. I'm also a doctor. Shrinks would have a field day with me.)

Boy, drinking the special Kool-Aid and joining the Cult of Mac has quite a high subscription price, yet I don't have any of that 'Buyers Remorse' I usually get when I make a big purchase. I just love the way all this hardware and software and design seems to come together and fit so well.

Ooh boy, have I been brainwashed.

Yes, Steve Jobs is a Diabolical Genius. And I mean that in the best possible way.


Dial 'P' for Procrastination!

Ok, NOW the pics are up. Went a little overboard with the Sepia and Antique effects, but I think they still came out kind of cool. I've gotta Windex that mirror though.

So I'm looking forward to my date with 'Josie'. Looks like it's going to be a picnic on the ocean, but of course San Francisco chooses THIS week to start getting cold, and we'll probably get our first rainfall in months soon.

Anyhoo, so I've decided it's time to change my perception. My 'Frame', if you will. (That's what the self-help books call it.) I need to go into relationships with a 'Show me YOU'RE good enough for ME' attitude, instead of just trying to be nice and pander to their needs and wants all the time. The newest Cosmo has some good advice, too.

It's funny how one little thought can change your outlook on things.

So, we'll see what happens. We seem to have a nice 'online' chemistry, as we've been writing and txting everyday, so I'm hopeful.


My Latest Aquisition...

...A Black & Decker Coffee Maker. What's cool is it brews directly into an insulated travel mug.

As my body has begun it's inevitable decline, I find that I'm forced to rely on alternate sources of energy to make it through the day. Coffee- what a wonder drug. To think I used to hate it. (Along with spicy food and beer. Wow, my tastes have really been changing these last few years.)

I've got a new routine where I stay up past midnight, and set an electric timer so the coffee starts brewing around 4:30AM, and I'm up at 5. By 5:15 I'm ready to take on the world. As cool as that sounds, it really means I'm just catching up on email and reading the latest webcomics and blog posts from 'round the world.

Then I brush my teeth (no coffee stains, please), shower, and it's off to dazzle San Francisco with my good looks and wit.

And speaking of dazzling, I met another cute girl, and we're getting together for brunch this weekend. She's an actress! Like, on TV and stuff! And coinkidinkly, she happens to be on a show I just started getting into. When my friends have asked what she looks like, I've been having fun by sending them the link to her IMDB.com page :)

And speaking of IMDB.com, I bought some handcuffs! (Not the smoothest segue.) I was trying on my Halloween Costume (Early, I know, but it's that magical time of year to let your inner slut out to play. I have to be prepared to top myself every year) and thought it would be hot to snap on a pair of handcuffs. Took a couple of impromptu pics, but of course they didn't turn out too well.

I'll upload those later.



Where does the time go?

Finally able to get on the internet in my room, for the first time in awhile. I used to have a Sprint EVDO card, but it wasn't compatible with my Macbook pro, which wasn't that big of a sacrifice, considering what I got in return. I considered buying an HSDPA card since I'm an AT&T customer now, but decided that another monthly bill wouldn't be good for my bank account.

So I picked up a device that lets me route the downstairs lobby internet kiosk DSL signal through the POWERLINES, where a receiver in my room (re)broadcasts the WiFi. Pretty cool- I remember reading about the tech last year in Popular Science. Ahhh, the Singularity approaches...

So now, I have the internet in the privacy of my own room. And you know what THAT means...

World of Warcraft all-nighters!


So, still not smoking, though I've been dreaming about it every few nights. (Literally)

For some reason or another I end up lighting and smoking a cigarette, and then I feel really disappointed with myself in the dream. Eesh, talk about motivation.


Soon after I last wrote Apple announced their new iPod line, along with a $200 price drop to the iPhone. I watched that keynote and didn't bat an eye. A later Open Letter from Steve Jobs pretty much summed up what I felt- price drops are a fact of "Life in the Technology Lane", and I gladly paid the premium for being the first to own something I really, really wanted.

But some people were upset, for some reason, so I'm going to benefit and receive a $100 credit For the Apple store. Now I'm wondering if I should save it for 'Leopard' (If the credit doesn't expire before it's released- I love Apple, but I wouldn't put it past them ;) or just pick up a copy of iLife '08. I would like to get my iPhoto library organized...

And for non-Mac users, the previous probably made no sense at all. Moving on...


Hmm, came across my PSP in the back of a drawer, and after dusting it off I picked up a couple of games for it- Dead Head Fred, has been surprisingly good, and the main character is voiced by Dr. Cox from Scrubs, which is a huge plus. And Tomb Raider: Anniversary. Yup, still a Lara Croft fan, though I'm stuck in a level that's driving me crazy.



Here we go, a new month.

Day 12 of not smoking. And I haven't chewed the gum for almost a week now. Funny, I don't remember it being quite this easy. Maybe it's because I was mentally prepared this time.

Went to a bar the other night, and I wasn't even tempted to smoke after I got a good buzz going. It's like the craving is just gone now. Lucky me, I guess.

I think I read somewhere that the stress of quitting can lower your 'White Count', which might explain the sore throat that developed a couple of days ago. I've been treating it with visualization and Echinacea.

And... that's about it. Lately I've been focused more on internal affairs- I should probably consult a star chart. Reading, working on science projects, and watching Season 1 and 2 of 'House

Speaking of which, Stacia said that I could come off as abrasive and rude as the Title character's.

Not sure if anyone's familiar with him, but it's not exactly a compliment. Though, sometimes I am cold. And I'll say something apparently "Inappropriate" or "Insensitive"- in a clever, witty way, of course.

Ah well, you can't take things too seriously all the time, you know?


All is well

So I spent the night at Stacia the night prior to her scheduled
hospital visit.

True to form, we did have an argument that lasted well into the next
morning, so there wasn't much cuddling. Until later, when the doc told
her she was fine.

The last few months have certaintly been a learning experience for me.
Here I am on my eighth day of not smoking and I haven't even had any
gum yet today.

And I feel good, less anxious.

Plus not having Emmy in my life, though I've missed her, is also a
weight that's been lifted. (I've started to become friends with her
sister though, who's much more... Normal? She invited me to her
birthday party next month.)

Hmmmm... Ta ta for now!

Sent from my iPhone



Stacia disclosed her fears to me over a possible medical ailment. She called me up crying, and I did my best to try and make her feel better, which wasn't much at all.

I've never been good at that, or emotional situations in general. I always feel awkward when people start crying. A part of me kept saying I should hug her, or something, but I couldn't bring myself to.

Not that I didn't want to, I just had visions that it would be stiff and seem fake, and insincerity certainly wouldn't make me feel any better. So we just talked and I tried my best to at least be there.

I guess she wanted more though, as she called me up around 1:30AM the other night, asking me to come over. That late at night, it's hard for me to get anywhere, so I suggested she ride her bike over to me.

Jeez, I'm a bitch...

Anyway, so she got there and after changing into some of my sweats we went to bed. I could tell she must have still been scared because she actually wanted to sleep in bed with me. (I had tossed her a spare blanket and pillow. Yeah, I know how to treat a lady.)

After a bit of laying in darkness she asked me to pet her head. An odd request, I thought, but I obliged, running my fingers through her hair. She made a point of promising she wasn't coming on to me, she just needed some comforting.

So after awhile when my hand got tired, she started inching closer to me, before asking me to put my arms around her and cuddle. Again, a promise she wasn't coming on to me. (There's a back story to all this, I guess. Ages ago we had a fight that lead to me saying how I wasn't attracted to her anymore, but because she was so hot I might have gone a little out of my way to annoy her just to "prove" it. That makes sense, if you use elementary school logic.)

And that's how we went to sleep. And damn her, as almost clinical as all that was, it actually sparked some sort of feelings in me that I'm still trying to work out. I never fantasize about sex that much. I tend to actually enjoy the kissing and cuddling more. So for me, this was a pretty intimate event.

She'll be going to the Hospital this week, and I offered to go with her. And she invited me to stay over at her place the night before. So we'll see what happens there. My money is on us having a big fight that completely extinguishes any spark I may or may not feel. One of the few things I've learned is the pendulum swings both ways.



Since Emmy had gotten me smoking in the first place, I figured I'd "Close the Loop", so to speak, by quitting. Again.

Picked up a box of Nicorette and have been chewing it with all the gusto of cows chewing their cud.

No, it's not fun. But it helps.


Ok, enough Fight Club Quotes (For Now)

I wrote this a bit ago, but I've been so 'Zen' lately I thought it would ruin the mood. But I think it's time to get it out of the way.


Ever since I was a kid, laying on the floor on the edge of sleep (I had this thing about sleeping on the floor when I was younger) when things with my latest Crush of the Week took a nosedive and I knew we'd never get together, I'd imagine a dusty, steel plated room deep underground.

All this room had was an old TV Monitor set into the wall and a rusty dashboard with a big, red lever, like the emergency break of a fighter jet or something. I'd walk into the room and look at that switch, my hand grasping the lever, hesitating.

I'd take a deep breath, and then, after running the gamut of emotions, I'd finally, with a stoic expression of determination, pull the lever down.

The screen would light up, and on it would be a fast forward slideshow of all my memories of the person, how I made her laugh with a corny joke or taught her something she didn't know before- all the happy memories. It usually didn't take too long.

And then the screen would go blank, save for the word [Deleted] in bold, red letters. A few seconds later, that would fade as well, and the room would be dark once again.

I'd sigh, look at the screen again for a bit, sad, nostalgic, and then I'd walk out and begin the long trek back to the surface.

Weird, eh? That was my way of coping with heartbreak. I suppose it gave me some sort of feeling of power, this conscious, visual act of saying goodbye and moving on. Better to just put the person out of my head than to let them make me feel miserable.

Every time I found myself thinking about them again, I just had to remember pulling that lever and my mind would move on to other things.

The other night, I found myself thinking about that Bunker again.

The last time I saw her, 'Amy' and I had a good time. We hung out as usual, drunk some beer, smoked, talked... She had picked up a new phone, and when I asked for the number, she said she'd give it to me the next day. A little odd, but I didn't think much of it.

Then, we boarded the subway together and I walked her off to her stop, where she'd board a train to go visit her family. Nothing unusual, she went down there every other week or so. We planned to get together the next week and said our "Seeya's".

I texted her a few days later, asking how the trip was. No Response. I tried calling every now and then after that- voicemail. I was worried for a bit, thinking she was sick or in trouble, until I saw that she'd been logging onto her MySpace daily.

The last time I called, it was answered, but no one said anything. I heard a train announcement in the background. 'Amy' must have tried sending me to voicemail but accidentally answered it instead. A few seconds later, the call ended.

I was hurt. I was angry. All these years and that's how she's going to end it?! I found myself wondering if this was some spur of the moment thing. Did someone say something about me? Was there a misunderstanding somehow? I racked my brain, thinking if I had upset her somehow. What did I do?

And then I found myself thinking about the second possibility, that this was the plan all along. That maybe that's why she didn't give me her new number on the spot. Which is about ten times worse- me going along all happy go lucky, hanging out with my Best Friend, while she's plotting in the background to cut me out of her life.

We've had our rocky experiences together, but I can tell this has an air of finality about it.

Over the course of this blog I've gone on ad nauseum about my feelings for 'Amy'... Emmy, so I won't waste time writing again about how much I cared about her in the face of her indifference. How I felt we shared a lot of the same life experiences that connected us by some sort of mutual sadness. (She sent me an email semi-recently that said pretty much the same thing).

I always joked with Emmy that she was like a cat because she seemed to sleep all day.

Cats can be affectionate, but in the end it'll always go off and do its own thing (And if you don't feed it or change its litter box, it'll probably find someone else who will, though that might not apply here. ...Though I did spring for a lot of dinners and drinks over the last three years...)

I'll never forget her, or the experiences we shared together, the adventures we had. I'll never forget the gifts she gave me, the opportunities she created for me, the feelings of warmth she gave me.

And, I'll never forget all the times she hurt me, or made me cry.

I will never forget her, but it's time to bury those memories deep, to move on once again and walk that lonely road.

It shouldn't be too bad. The future is freshly fallen snow, full of promise, and I think I'm a little better equipped now to travel that path than I was at eleven.

It's time to pull that lever.

I Became Addicted

This Organization Bug includes the digital realm as well, as I've been cleaning up my hard drive and trying to get all my files in some semblance of order.

I came across a Widget that lets you easily add iTunes cover art to your tracks. Since most of my music was downloaded "iLlegally" (I've changed my ways!) the names are messed up, there's no album info, etc. So I've been going through song by song, editing and adding art. Sometimes the widget doesn't work for the more esoteric stuff, so I manually hunt those down.

I've only got a thousand or so songs. I had much, much more years ago, but most of it was left on my old Dell desktop. (And now we'll never speak That name again).

So, that's what I've been doing, instead of going out and having fun and spending money. Very effective. Now to keep it up for the next sixteen months.


I was the Zen Master

I wrote little haiku poems. I emailed them to everyone.

So here I am, still alive and planning for my future.

I got an email suggesting that my Korean vacation should include a stopover for some cosmetic work. And that actually was something I was considering.

For the last week or so I've been going over my finances. I've got a lot saved up, but I'd like to have an even $50,000 before I head out.

That would be enough for all the surgeries I plan on, plus a nice long vacation/recovery that will most likely end up in a relocation from San Francisco, with enough left over to establish myself in the new locale, wherever that may be.

If I step up my current Rate of Savings, I should have that amount by the end of '08... Sixteen Months sure seems like a long time on paper, but I spent the better part of the other day reflecting on how quickly the previous three years here have flown by.

A lot of it was just wasted time, but now that I'm getting older, with 25 looming on the horizon (that last peak before it all goes downhill) I'm working on organizing myself. Feng Shui'ing my life, if you will.

I went through my room, throwing away a good portion of the things I've hoarded. Bought a couple of cheap plastic drawers and gave everything a place. And I've actually kept it clean these past couple of weeks.

On the financial side of things I put a spreadsheet together (An OpenOffice one. Not as elegant as Apple's recently released 'Numbers' appears to be, but it's free, so...) that shows my future goals, current expenses, and amount Saved to date.

Seeing everything mapped out, I've been able to squeeze a couple of extra hundred bucks a month into savings.

To further motivate me, I printed out a list of everything I'm saving for and how much it'll cost, and taped it onto my wall. Every time I save enough to pay for an item on that list, I put a Fat Green Line through it.

Very satisfying, in an almost visceral sense of the word. I got the idea from a website that said Jerry Seinfeld used a calender to mark off the days that he sat down to write jokes- the goal being to mark off everyday and create an unbroken chain.

A little more elegant than my little list, but still nice to see all that green.

So all my bills are being paid on time and I can afford to eat, even though I'm putting almost 90% of what I earn into the bank. I stumbled a bit with the iPhone and the MacBook Pro purchase earlier this year, but in the long run it only added an extra six weeks of saving time.

And, if I ever find that second job, it might be a lot sooner.

I find myself thinking less about 'Amy' and 'Weena' (Did I mention I haven't had any contact with 'Amy' either for almost a month?) and find that I'm actually feeling pretty good, like I've been exercising everyday, or something. (Which probably wouldn't be a bad thing. Maybe I should fit that in somewhere.)

Ahhh, it feels good to be organized and motivated. It smells like....Fulfillment!



So, 'Weena', who responded to my first offer to hang out with a raincheck because she was going out of town for a day, has since completly ignored me.

I only asked her out once. Then in the span of two weeks I text messaged a "How'd your weekend go?" kind of thing twice, with no response of aknowledgement.

That depressed me for a bit, but the last few days have been somewhat good. Actually, the best in awhile, and I'm further reminded that as "bad" as things can get, sometimes they actually get better!

First up, Edward Cherlin from the Earth Treasury checked into our little hotel! He was in town for LinuxWorld and while we were chatting, he pulled out a prototype laptop and demoed it for me.

I had been following the project since I first read about it in Popular Science a few years ago, but it was really cool actually seeing one of the things.

After that, a couple of Korean girls checked in. I've noticed that alot of young, native Asia girls seem to 'Dig' me. Maybe it's because of all those transgendered pop groups over there. Anyway, I was giving them directions to the Golden Gate Bridge, and when I mentioned that after three years of living here I still haven't actually been there, they said they'd wait until I got off work so we could all go together.

Quite a sight, it was, and we had a fairly good time. I developed a near instant crush on one of the girls, (who I later learned were sisters, ) who was so adorably cute. And she's a computer programmer and avid Video Game player! A Fellow Geek!

(She gave me permission to put her photo up on the ole' blog. I just have to show her off!)

So even though I had to pull alot of hours the following days, we ended up spending as much time as we could together. And, *ahem*, the nights were fairly interesting as well.

She's gone now, but I've got her email address and an open invitation to visit her back home. My boss did say that he'd fly me anywhere I'd want for doing such a good job while he was gone.

Maybe I'll take a little vacation soon...?


I like 4AM

I seldom get to see it.

Well, here I am on hour 20 of my 56 hour shift. Ooh boy, when I put it that way, it sounds rather depressing.

One of our full-time employees left so I've been picking up the slack. In addition to working 7 days in a row, I'm pulling a couple of triples back to back. I'm fairly certain this is against some sort of labor law somewhere, but I help the boss, he helps me.

He just got back from a two week vacation from which he left me completely in charge, and seeing as how business went up 175% in those two weeks, and room occupancy went from 40% to 92%, he gave me a bonus and another raise.

So I suppose this is the least I can do.

I haven't gotten to the point yet where I start spouting 'Fight Club' quotes, so that's a good sign. I'm pacing myself with the caffeine so I don't crash, and just generally trying to stay busy. Usually all nighters aren't a problem, but two in row is a bit tricky.

So in other news... Hmm... Well I saw Stacia again, and we had a somewhat good experience together.

Just like old times though, I would say something that offended her and she'd get that attitude that can best be described as a socialite being forced to accompany a Neanderthal to the grand ball.

After all this time she still doesn't quite get me. I would describe her as a hipster type that's especially mannered. But when I'm around stuffy people who act all prim and proper, I just can't help myself. I prod.

I think this comic sums it up nicely. (You should read all of em'- great stuff)

Stacia commented on the great contradiction that is me. Which is true- Aquarian Duality. Sometimes I'm shy and humble, other times I feel egotistical and will literally list off all the adjectives that describe how great I am.

Sometimes I feel like a little kid, experiencing everything for the first time. Other times I'm the old, weathered soul that's been around this cosmic merry-go-round a little too long.

This blog is fine and all, but even after all these years I think it would be difficult to get a clear picture of me from these words alone.

And maybe that's a good thing.

Til' Next Time!


Duck Curry, truly Mankinds greatest invention

So, Stacia and I didn't end up getting burritos, instead settling for beer and thai food. She started off a little cold. The pretense for our meeting was giving her some mail that came in, but after awhile it was almost like old times.

It's rather hard to describe our relationship, and I won't try. Needless to say, it can be rather special at time, and we have what might be referred to as 'an interesting dynamic.'

It was pleasant, but I don't sit well with elephants in the room. I knew there were unsaid things and bottled emotions under the surface, and I wouldn't be me without shining light on them.

So after dinner wrapped up I steered the conversation towards the way things ended, with me basically throwing her out. And that's when it started getting real, that hard edged spark coming to life in her eyes.

I just let her talk for a long time, only interjecting occasionally. I told her I couldn't change the past, but I'd like us to try and salvage a friendship, outside the context of us living together (which was really what our original relationship was founded on). I made a joke along the lines of 'Well, at least you won't have to worry about me ever kicking you out again.' She wasn't amused.

So then I started making analogies, which I have a tendency to do when conventional logic fails (as happens a lot where human interaction is concerned) and talked about how forest fires, destructive as they are, can make room for new growth and evolution.

I don't think that she bought it, but she said that she was there, and talking to me, so I took that to mean there might be hope yet. Baby steps.

We hugged, and we made plans to see 'The Simpsons' movie sometime next week.

I hear it's good.


Frequent Updates*

* Frequent? Ha! Maybe in the geological sense of the word...

I shall make up for it, with LENGTH!

Anyhoo, so what have I been up to? Well first, I'm addicted to a show I found through iTunes- "Dexter". I had never heard of it before. It's about a serial killer, but he's a good guy! Kind of. I guess maybe he's an Anti-Hero? Anyway, doesn't matter.

Good stuff. It's only $1.99 an episode. Treat yourself!

So on Saturday I stayed up all night playing World of Warcraft, of all things. Two years and I'm only level 29. Hehe, yeah.... What can I say, I'm an Alt-aholic. I have a 'main' character and every few level ups I get bored and start a new one. But I've been trying to focus on one lately.

('Solona' on the Spinebreaker server, if anyone's interested. Feel free to donate your gold to see a Gnome wearing goggles shake her booty.)

There's a point to this story, kind of. So I stayed up into early Sunday, not getting to bed til' 9am. Slept in to 2pm, and then, because it was such a nice day, I thought I'd take a walk. Sometimes when money is low and I'm not quite sure what I want to do, I just start walking, alone with my thoughts. And my iPhone.

I ended up close to the restaurant I used to work at.


Most of my restaurant experience was chronicled in the HipTop Archives, in the right sidebar. As I'm writing this post I reread December, 2004. Wow, what a rollercoaster ride that month was.

I moved to downtown San Francisco, and 'Amy' and I had just started seeing each other. (Man, I was pretty damned naive.) And that was also my first Christmas away from the family.

Re-reading that stuff, I like to feel like I'm moving forward, evolving... Sometimes I find myself making the same mistakes, but occasionally I do learn. I mean, Jesus, I used to write stuff like this?:

It just really occurred to me that for the past year, I haven't had a single offline friend, and for the five before that, I only had one- who didn't even treat me that well.

That's really disheartening, ya know? Socialization is one of the fundamental aspects of human society, hard-wired into our brains and DNA. It feels like I'm a failure as a human being, for christs sake.

So when I got home I cried into my pillow for an hour, and soon after the anxiety attack occurred (and it's not really over, I still feel it, just not quite as bad).

I think I just have to face facts: I'm a loner, or even more likely, not a very likable person. I've been trying to force myself to escape that mindset, and it's only proven to be detrimental.

The funny thing is that I had an entry I forgot to post the other day, [Where's my Gold Star?!] congratulating myself on how it's been a long time since I've wanted to jump into a tub of scalding water and take a razor to my wrists.

Ah well.

If I just go back to not caring or thinking about it, I should be ok. Maybe it's a step backwards, sure, but it's a step back to where I belong.

I mean, Fuck, I want to slap the person who wrote that. How much (and how little) can change in three years...

So anyway, I was just seeing if I ever mentioned a restaurant coworker that's relevant to this entry, which led me to reread that archive, which made me feel melancholy and reflective, which lead to this tangent.

*--------------------END TANGENT-------------------------*

I had a tiny crush on this coworker at the restaurant, 'Weena', but I was such a total introvert back than it never went anywhere.

So, back in the present now, I ended up there and she was actually working. I've gone back every few months since I quit 2.5 years ago, and every time the number of familiar faces dwindled, and I never saw Weena. I figured she quit.

Well, here's to second chances. I tried to muster up every social trick I learned. We chatted a bit, and, since she was about to go on break, she joined me for lunch. What can I say? It was a pleasant conversation. I was eating outside and it started to get cold, so I made my preparations to leave and she asked for my number. No big deal, I guess. I was about to ask for hers.

Wow, how far I've come...

Well, I'll let you know how that one goes. Oh, and Stacia called me. We're getting a burrito. Ta ta!


Easy life

I take my quiet moments where I can find them. I was unwinding with
some WoW in our common area when one of our neighbors dropped in to
use the bathroom.

He commented that I had an easy life.

I didn't say anything, but I did dwell on it for awhile.

I'm not starving. I'm not being forced to go to war or anything. But
it strikes me as presumptuous, at best, to say that to someone.

East? The other day I stood between a guy and his wife to stop him
from beating her. I get death threats from crackheads when I try and
enforce the rules around here.

A guy died in front of me because I didn't call an ambulance in time.

Not to mention my fucked up personal life.

So yeah, I can afford to treat myself to fancy gadgets now and than,
but I wouldn't exactly say things have been Easy.

Sent from my iPhone


Whoda thunk it?

On a lighter note, I was having lunch solo at a Thai restaurant. I was
sitting besides a table with a group of girls that couldn't have been
more than 16.

My iPhones earbuds were firmly in place but at the moment I wasn't
listening to anything.

Soon after I was seated I saw them glancing at me out of the corner of
my eye. "Oh boy," I thought, resigning myself to the taunts. Teenage
girls can be pretty cruel towards TGs.

What had to be the 'leader', being the prettiest and blondest of the
gaggle, leaned towards her group and whispered "She's so hot!"

"Yeah, totally!" And then they went back to talking about American
Idol or whatever teenage girls talk about.

I was floored. Only in San Francisco...

So, needless to say, I had a nice lunch.

Sent from my iPhone

Feelin' Philosophical

I'm not sure if this is a widespread thing or not, but in san
francisco I've noticed alot of old buildings they've torn down, but
left the 'front' intact. The classical stone architecture hides the
Forever 21 or the H&M within.

I wonder what that says about us, that as long as the shell remains,
the facade, it doesn't matter wether the soul is gone.

Kinda sad.

Maybe that's why some people recoil from transgendered individuals.
Too many changes to the 'shell', the thing we have to look at everyday.

"Gut your insides all you want, but for Gods sake don't change how you

It must be some fundamental instinct of human behavior.

Sent from my iPhone

Solid Snake Forever

I found a cool Hacking Tutorial on how to put custom ringtones on the iPhone. So, as tradition dictates, I used the Metal Gear Theme.

Much better.


Holy Crap!

And for my next Purchase, a Wii!!!! Mario can turn into a freakin' BEE man!


Guess I've been in a bit of a funk. Again.

It's weird. I seem to have 'cycles' that take a few months to complete. Sometimes I'm superconfident for awhile, and then I start feeling depressed and lonely for a couple of weeks.

I try to focus on other things. Right now, I'm looking to build one of THESE babies. Now those blow away every other watch in existence.


Clever Title

Well, I went out with the Cold Fish the other day. And I had fun. Not sure if she did- it's always hard to read Goths... But I got my drink on and there weren't that many awkward silences. All in all, I call that a win.

I don't see any romantic prospects there, but I still think she'll make a cool friend.

Finally got around to uploading a couple of pics. I had just gotten back from Happy Hour, so after the obligatory iPhone licking I ended up stripping down and doing a few poses. Ooooh boy, you should see the Outtakes... (No, don't ask.)



Happy July 4th everyone! Try not to lose a hand!

Sent from my iPhone



Stacia came by yesterday to pick up some stuff. It was a relativly
friendly affair. Not cold, but sterile.

I couldn't resist showing off my phone. She hadn't heard of an iPhone
before. Go figure.

I showed her some old pics of us together, and she wanted me to email
her one, which I did on the spot.


I do miss her. I wish things could have turned out differently.

Ah well.

She's working now, but I can tell she's still a tad unstable. Maybe
another five years or so will see an improvement.

I wish her the best.

Sent from my iPhone



So, she said sure, and that she'd call me later to hammer our the

Not just sure, but 'Sure!' Hmm, I must ponder on this.

Sent from my iPhone

I know this many people?!

Finding any excuse to test this thing, I've been sending texts to a
bunch of people in my address book, including the 'Cold Fish'.
Remember her? I barely do.

Just invited her out to eat. I'm sure she'll either ignore me or make
up an excuse, but we'll see.

Sent from my iPhone


I just stuck It to the man. I was walking by a sprint store, and they
had 2 drones In front of their empty store.

They tried waving me in, waving flyers for some discount. Smiling,
perhaps with that Mac Smugness, I waved my iphone at em as I walked by.

Boy, if looks could kill...

Sent from my iPhone


Testing, testing, 123.

Hmm, not too shabby. And people were complaining about this keyboard.
It took less than five minutes before I could start typing with two

Than again, I'm something of a 'tech head'. And I have long, skinny

Ta ta for now.

Sent from my iPhone


Ooh Boy

That was...exhausting. But I 'spose the road to Nirvana is paved with blood, sweat, and tears.

I deviated from my original plan of lining up 5am Friday, and opted for 10pm Thursday when I saw the line size increasing on various blogs.

I hurriedly packed a bag and hurried out, hunkering down for a twenty hour wait. A certain comradery forms amongst people with a common goal, and I chatted with the interesting folk ahead of and behind me throughout the 'journey'.

I smoked way too much, got sunburned, and had to put up with the constant questions from passerbys, plus the occasional negative comment hurled out from a car as it sped past.

But in the end... It paid off, and I got the freakin' thing. I can't help but giggle maniacally everytime I use it.

I'll post some gAdg1T pR0N p1Cs during the next couple of days.



Not much happening. Well, not much un-iPhone related.

I just read a really positive Die Hard 4 review in the paper, and I'm pretty excited about seeing that tomorrow.

The Coffee Place never called back. C'est la vie. Next!

I actually paid for a TV show on iTunes, an old 'Monk' episode that I missed. I didn't know Monk's Dad came back! Rather than trying to hunt it down on Bittorrent and waiting six hours for it to download, wouldn't just playing $1.99 be more convenient? I happen to think so.

Now there's all those old 'House' episodes I never saw, and 'No Reservations', which looks pretty good...


'Scuse me

SWEDISH girl. I swear, after 2.5 years at this place all the European accents just start to blend together.

I do sense some chemistry, though. Too bad she's not in town long.

Anyhoo, another day, more iPhone news! I worked up a good sweat watching the latest videos posted over at the apple.com site. Every new little tidbit or feature, however minute, was worthy of pausing and rewatching a good five times.

Oooh Boy

So, here I am at work. The guy who was supposed to work the graveyard shift tonight... let's say that he exhibited signs that would make him unfit to man the desk. I made an executive decision to give him the night off. And all other days and nights off from work, as well.

So, that's where I am. And with 'SF Pride' already underway, it's off to a busy, crazy night.

Met a cute Ukranian girl tonight, though, so maybe all won't be lost.


How Very American

So I've begun my second job hunt, starting with a coffee shop.

I haven't been on a job interview for over two and a half years, but I was surprised how confident I was about the whole thing. I think it went well, and she said they'd call me later for a second interview. Course, maybe they say that to everyone, I don't know.

But still, it felt good, being able to answer all those typical interview questions, and relating the experiences I've learned here at the hotel.

Well, we'll see what happens. I could sure use a few extra bucks a month.


Back Home. Again.

Mmmmmm I wonder if Brent likes girls with something "Extra"?:


I won't be taking two weeks off, but I have concocted an "Elaborate Scheme" to get one of those phones in my hands on the 29th.

Anyhoo, so I'm back. Today has been weird. I've had three separate incidents with Assholes today, and one death threat in the past six hours of work. That's above average, even for 'Crackhead Central'. The first day back is always the worst, I guess.

The flight back was pretty sucky too, what with mechanical problems that delayed the flight, and the somewhat bumpy take-off and ascent. The flickering lights and intercom cutting off every third word didn't exactly inspire confidence, either.

And since I seem to be telling this story backwards, shades of 'Memento' style, I'll talk a bit about Vegas.

The Highlights were the Buffets and the Stratosphere. We ended up canceling our Nobu reservations to hit up the Bellagio Buffet again. In my three times there, I've always had just three things on my plate: Crab Legs, Melted Butter Sauce, and Smoked Salmon.

My cholesterol probably jumped a few notches.

And then the Stratosphere, with the rides at the top that get the heart pumping. Dangling over the edge of a building at 900 feet up is a bit of a rush.

So that was that. Mostly we just hung out, breaking from my carefully planned itinerary by vegging out beside a pool.

And now I'm home, and I think I'm going to stay in for a couple of days to recover and detox.


Vegas Baby! 2: Party Harder

So, here I am again.

Dad called me today. Finally. Apparently he didn't know I was here a couple of weeks ago, what with his cell turned off.

So that's good. Check out time is Sunday, but our flight out isn't 'til that night, so we can hang out with him and not have to lug our bags around.

Rosie is pretty cool. Up for anything, if you know what I mean. Maybe I'll put some (PG13) pics up later.

So, here we are. Boy, I get sick of this town pretty quickly.

But it's not too bad. I'm trying to have a lot of fun, live it up while I still have sand in the hourglass, so to speak.

Yeah, I'm a little drunk right now.

Trying to get my Apple fixes, I've been watching old MacWorld Keynotes on YouTube, and have started reading iCon. Pretty cool book. My Dad really is alot like Steve Jobs. Without all the success and money and all that jazz.

I'll try to update later between all the fun and good times I'm sure to have.


Cooking with Lara

Money has been tight, lately. What with the Vegas Trip, another one coming up, New Gadgets, Savings... Plus I loaned Mom another few hundred. When I get back on Monday, I'm going to seriously start hunting for a second job, at least for the summer.

I usually go out to eat every night, but I'm making cutbacks. So I went grocery shopping and stocked up my barely-used mini-fridge. I made myself dinner last night, and breakfast today, and it was actually pretty good!

I'm not much of a food nut, but there is a part of me that enjoys cooking. I did it all the time back home. I even watched some of those "Cooking with ..." shows and tried my hand at a few of the recipes.

So all in all, I already miss the exotic dishes I get when I eat out, but this should hold me over for awhile. Ugh, but boy is the clean-up a pain when you don't have a sink in your room.