Oooh boy, broke broke broke.

That bill I paid off, they deposited the check a little sooner then agreed upon, and I got hit with a bunch of overdraft fees.

I probably should have worked something out where I broke it up over a few months, but cest la vie.

A friend owes me a few bucks, so I'm hoping that will come through before my birthday, so I can do a little something. You're only a quarter of a century once.

It's a good thing I made up that spreadsheet planning my budget- I'd be lost without it right now.

I mentioned awhile ago that my old friend Mike had contacted me, and I'm doing my best to stay in contact. I thought it would be cool if we got together this summer, and I had the sudden inspiration that maybe we could hang out here in the city for a bit, then take a road trip to Vegas.

Nothing has been set, but it seemed like something to keep in mind. Even if it doesn't work out with Mike, it might still be a fun thing to do, even though I don't know many party types. Not that I recall Mike being much of a partier, anyway. Still- Vegas, Baby!

The past few weeks has shown me that I need to have more fun.


And I started the month off so well by posting everyday.

Well I went to the Doc and had a physical. I seem to be alright, but I still have to go get some blood tests done.

My doc was cool. She got good reviews over at yelp.com, and pretty much lived up to expectations. I mean, she's a cute Asian chick from Harvard- kind of the whole package.

Plus I got my first breast exam. Least now I know I don't have breast cancer.

I also got a prescription for my hormones.

To backtrack, I did have a prescription, but I lost my insurance after moving out West and acquired them through the shady corners of the interwebs- and apparently funded terrorism or something in the process.

So now I'm back on the "legal" path. I seem to be on that road with a lot of stuff, lately. Guess I'm growing up.

Still having a bit of anxiety, but it's not quite as frequent anymore. Still hoping to get that taken care of soon.


In addition to the usual stuff, I have some mild food poisoning and
feel like crap.

Went to the doc. More later when I can keep liquids down.

Sent from my iPhone


Wow, weird dreams lately. Last night I dreamed I was hunting a Sea Monster. For most of the dream I'm just trying to find any evidence of it- shadows beneath the water and stuff. And then suddenly, the guy who plays Lynette's Husband on 'Desperate Housewives" gets eaten by a giant froglike think with lots of teeth.

So yeah, weird stuff.

I still haven't been feeling that great, so I haven't been online much. I've got a lot of email to reply to. Fortunately, my Doctor was able to move my appointment up to this Friday, so we'll see how that goes.


*Slight Spoilers*

So I saw Cloverfield last night and enjoyed it, but you might want to skip it if you get motion sickness.

Ever since I started hormones I've found that I'm more prone to nausea and motion sickness, but I made it through good enough.

I thought the special FX were neat, and the acting was pretty solid. And I cared enough about the characters to feel a bit saddened at the end of the film. There was a scene from inside a helicopter as it was crashing, which reminded me a bit of my dream I had recently about the plane crash.

So, I enjoyed it, and it made me think. I wonder how I'd react in a situation like that. I like to think I'd show at least an ounce of their bravery.


Ooooooh, 'Cloverfield' is having a midnight showing. I think I'll go check it out.

So last night was the most relaxed I've been in ages. Having someone to talk to after it gets dark sure makes a difference.


"Everybody Relax, I'm Here"

I finally watched the Macworld 2008 Keynote, and though it wasn't as revolutionary as the 2007 one, I still got excited. Come Summer, when I can start spending money again, I think I'll finally get an HD flatscreen and an Apple TV.

I celebrated iTunes movie rentals by downloading Big Trouble in Little China, something I saw once when I was a weeee lass but remember enjoying. I can enjoy the shots of a 1985 San Francisco a lot more now. Hey, that little shop at the Chinatown gate is a Starbucks now!

In other news, The Vegan is on her way here to my abode. To recap, I said she could stay with me until she gets back on her feet. Unlike Stacia, we actually get along most of the time and she's pretty cool and no-maintenance. Plus, with all these Anxiety Attacks I've been having lately, having someone around to calm me down will be nice.

Just getting off of work and coming up to this dark, empty apartment is enough to make me cry, sometimes.

This No Dating Policy has been good, I think, but it sure gets lonely sometimes.

If I make it back from Thailand alright though, Watch Out San Francisco- I'll be on the prowl.

Dreamed I was in a plane crash last night.

It was a commercial jet, loosing altitude fast, and suddenly we were upside down and heading for an office building. I remember thinking that this was it, I was going to die, and I steeled myself for the blackness.

And then we hit, there was an explosion, and time stood still. Literally. I looked around and saw a frozen explosion. Walking away from the wreckage I saw people looking towards the crash site, also frozen. A newspaper on the ground said Flight #211 was down. (Thinking about that in retrospect, that's strange because I thought I read somewhere that words are gibberish in dreams because you're using a different part of your brain.)

I think I realized at some point that I was dead, a ghost, and I was yelling but everyone was frozen and no one could hear me.

And then I woke up.

Ugh, I'm not looking forward to flying again.


Oof, based on the Stock Price slip, it probably wasn't that great.

Sent from my iPhone

Oooh boy, its been awhile since I cried that hard.

After work yesterday I was laying in bed and got to thinking the worse. I couldn't help it- it was like a runaway train.

I imagined myself suffocating in a hospital bed, and the doctors were about to put me in a morphine coma so I wouldn't suffer and would sleep through to the end.

And then they brought in my Mom and Sisters for a final goodbye. Back in reality, I starting getting choked up so I gave Mom a call. As soon as I heard her voice though I just broke down bawling, big gasping sobs.

That lasted a few minutes, and Mom calmed me down and made it a bit better. Moms seem to have that talent.

So, I feel a little better today.

In other news, STILL isolating myself from the news feed. The Macworld Keynote video's not supposed to be come out until this afternoon.

Wonder why this one took so long to release?


Sorry for the delay, haven't felt up to blogging lately.

It's been pretty surreal the last few days, walking around in a semi-nightmarish daze.

Sometimes when I get anxiety, I also get out of breath, but it's usually only temporary. The fact that it's persisted has got me worried, so I've been trying to separate my actual symptoms from the anxiety it's causing.

Alcohol has been my anti-anxiety drug of choice, but that didn't help much and I spent Sunday hung over. Probably not the smartest thing in the world.

I did sign up and was approved for Health Insurance, but it won't go into affect until February 1st, so I'm just trying to make it through without breaking down and going to an ER, lest I get denied coverage due to a "pre-existing condition". Damn health "care" companies.

Aspirin helped a little, so now I'm worried I might have some sort of minor blockage in a pulmonary artery or something. Oooh boy, some days I just wish I was like "The other 90%", you know? Just one of those people that goes through life blissfully ignorant and doesn't worry themselves into a stupor over stuff like this. ...*sigh*... To have the brain of Miss Teen USA South Carolina for a day...

Anyway, I'm trying to keep my mind focused elsewhere, like MacWorld. Since I'm not able to attend, I figured I'd turn off my RSS feeds so I'll have the Keynote video to look forward to this evening without ruining the unveiling of the Next Big Thing I'm sure to be WoWed with.


Oooh boy, I sound mentally challenged in the last post.

Feeling a little better now- still kind of out of breath but trying to ignore it and get to sleep.

Decided to treat myself to a nice dinner even though I'm broke. Only live once, right?

I think I might have saw Emmy up at the bookstore when I took a walk after work. Same body type, same chair she usually gets, asian...saw her from the back though, so I wasn't sure. I couldn't even bring myself to turn around and look.

Obviously she doesn't want to see me, so why stir up anything?

Uh oh, panic attack brewing.

Had some chest pain which has since gone away, but now I'm feeling out
of breath and shaky. I know its just anxiety but my body didn't seem
to hey the message.

Took a couple of shotsbof tequila to try and calm me down.

Hopefully it will take effect soon- this is pretty awful. And I'm at
work, too!

Ooh boy, I should really see a doc. Wish I had insurance. Breathe in,
breathe out. Slowly. Keep of slow it down. Just send the mind to a
happy place... LOL wish I has one.

Maybe I should take some more shots. Good thing I got this bottle for
Christmas. Its come in handy alot over the past couple of weeks.

It sucks, going all that time without this anxiety and having it leap
up again a couple of years ago, and now with greater frequency.

iPhones good to with all this spelling check. It would look alot
worse amazing technology. Yup. Bioshock has been dun, after getting
past the creepiness. Very dark ingame, lots of shadows. Might make a
good movie.

Ok, starting to feel a little better, but I don't want to focus inward
too much because it can just start the attack all over again if I feel
anything slightly off kelter. So I try to think happy thoughts while
taking another shot.

Sent from my iPhone



Well, I broke the streak of posting every day. I really meant to, but
I got stuck in some projects.

Luckily for me, the boss seems impressed with what I've done so far.

I went and applied for that insurance, but Ironically I make a bit too
much money to qualify. I tried applying for some 'real' (Read:
Expensive) health insurance, bit I wonder if it's even worth it,
considering I've seen Michael Moore's 'Sicko'.

But I figure its worth a try. Its been yeeeeears since my last
checkup. I figure if I get denied I'll just go some sliding scale
clinic and hope I don't catch Hepatitis from the Chairs.

Sent from my iPhone


Thank Jobs for this iPhone. The Internet at work has been down and my
3G card can't get a good signal in this WWII bunker I call an office.

(I've a got a 2.5G, bit I can only put up with that on my baby here.)

Next week is MacWorld! ... And I'm not going- had to save money :(

Downloading the keynote though might be better for me. I hate crowds,
waiting, noise, people... :)

Anyhoo, I got an Intake appointment today to sign up with the Healthy
San Francisco Plan. It would be nice having some sort of coverage
during those late night ambulance rides I've somehow managed to avoid

Sent from my iPhone


Wow, these frequent flier programs are crazy. I didn't know there
were so many shops and restaurants affiliated with them.

I can get a hundred miles by eating Sushi! My next laptop could fly
me to Florida!

Hmm, should have signed up a long time ago...

Seeing as how I've been posting everyday, I should have made THAT my
New Years Resolution, as opposed to 'Stop obsessing over the Past',
which I've failed miserably at.

I sometimes wonder if I'm incapable of being truly Happy. That maybe
I'm so cynical I'll never be able to find pleasure in anything. And
THEN I get depressed thinking about THAT.

(Therapists are clawing at each other for the chance to bill, er,
treat me.)

I tend to get "Stuck in a Moment" a lot, regretting some choices I
made, reliving the many times my heart has been broken, my most
painful moments, etc.

Hmm, maybe I should get that drug that helps you Forget trauma and

Memory is an interesting thing, and though its based on scientific
principles it stirs up a lot of philosopical questions.

Are we all just the sum of our past? Do our memories make us who we
are today, and if they do, would modifying or deleting them turn you
into a different person?

Well anyway, it would just be nice to lighten all this weight I carry
around. My back is killing me.

Sent from my iPhone


Putting a toe back into the Dark Side

So I finally got arround to installing Boot Camp on my Mac, which
allowed me to dual-boot Windows XP.

I had held off until I bought an external hard drive to back up my
MabBook. With CompUSA going out of business, I got a pretty good deal
on a 500GB drive.

If I wasn't on such a tight budget, I would have gone with the 1TB
drive. *drools*

See? I have a bit of self-restraint.

Anyway, with all my files backed up I painlessly installed the OS (so
to speak- when dealing with Windows you have to expect a little flesh
melting agony.) Then I installed some games to help keep me sane on
these rainy days.

Top of the heap was Guitar Hero III. CompUSA had the PC version on
sale, too. Rock on!

Sent from my iPhone


It's storming in San Francisco right now.

I mean sheets of rain and billowing gusts. The kind of storms I'd
walk out into back in Virginia.

It's rather comforting.

Sent from my iPhone


Terra Firma

So the first thing to greet me upon my arrival back home was a bill. An old lease I forgot to finish paying off 6 years ago or so has returned to haunt me.

They said if I paid it before the end of the month, they'll settle for half. So I agreed and now I have a little less debt to worry about.

I also bought my Plane Ticket to Thailand, so that's taken care of. Now I just need to focus on saving up the rest for the operation itself. Hopefully there won't be any setbacks, but this Bill coming out of nowhere Doth not Bode Well.

The boss has also been getting on me about getting more business in here, as the past month or so it has slowed down horribly. On the plus side, I did end up getting my Christmas Bonus, in the form of a Full Paycheck, even though I only worked a couple of days before heading to Florida.

I think he did that to guilt me into putting my nose to the grindstone, so to speak, so I wrote up a Two-Phase Ten Point Business Plan to help pick things up. Hopefully it'll save my job.


Off to the airport now. Hopefully I'll catch y'all on the other side (of the country).



Thought I'd make an "Official" New Years Post- 2008, Baby! The Future! (Well technically, I suppose 'The Future' is 2015.)

Well, hopefully this will be my year.

Been having some anxiety issues lately. Maybe now that San Francisco has some 'Universal Health Care', I might see what I can do about it.

Can't believe I've been on Blogger four and a half years now. And about eight years keeping an online journal. And on the 22nd of this month, 7 YEARS on Hormones!

Boy, does time fly.