Well, here I am, safe and sound in Florida.

The day after I arrived, we left Tampa for Orlando, and spent the day at the Magic Kingdom and Epcot. We also stayed at a pretty nice hotel.

Christmas was fun too, but I realized it doesn't quite seem to have the same magic as I remember. The anticipation, the time off school, the can't-get-to-sleep-because-Santa-will-be-here-in-a-few-hours...

I'm not completely dead on the inside yet, though. I cried a little when Mom handed me my presents.


Yesterday Mom and her boyfriend took me to a little warehouse where her friend practiced with his band ZeroCreep. It was an open bar, so I helped myself to some SKYY Vodka and cozied up and listened to the music. It was loud, but surprisingly good.

I also partook in a little bit of "Special" smoking with some people twice my age. That was kind of fun.

And, because of all the water I made sure to drink, I don't even have a hangover this morning.

Just a few more days left before I head back to the West Coast. I don't get homesick, but I am starting to miss the bustle of urban life.


Ah, an update- and it hasn't been a month yet!

I added a few new pics over the weekend.

What the...?! 300,000 hits? Wowsers.

Well, ever since my fantastically nauseating hangover last Sunday, I haven't smoked. Lets see if it lasts this time.

In the days before my Christmas Vacation, I've been cleaning out my room of the junk accumulated during the past couple of years. I always get real sad and depressed whenever I do this.

Mostly I'm a pack rat. I keep everything. Even during the clean-up, I couldn't bring myself to throw out some old movie stubs or chinese cookie fortunes.

And then there's the whole 'time shock'. The date on a receipt or an old entry in a paper journal puts a heavy weight on my chest.

It's been that long since ____?!

Time really flies. I can't believe I moved to San Francisco on July 22nd, 2004, and here it is almost 2007.

I start thinking back to 1995, to a conversation I had with a friend while we were on the swing sets. We were talking about how neither of us could imagine dieing, how maybe we'd just live forever.

Heh, I miss those days...


Well, here I am.

I really don't mean to let so much time pass between entries. I sit down to write after a long day, but first I check my email, than catch up on a few webcomics, check some news...

Let's get down to it.

Stacia, a.k.a. 'Ana' is now completly gone. She came by with her TG cousin Kyle to grab the rest of her things from storage. After that was loaded into the car, I gave Stacia her notebooks- twelve years worth of diaries. (No, I didn't read any of them.)

So, she walked away for the last time, just as the rain started to pour down, like a bad 1940's noir movie.

As luck would have it, and I'm not sure whether it's good or bad, 'Amy', my ex-roommate/ex-Best-Friend contacted me out of the blue and we got together for drinks. Long story short, after a night of bar hopping we ended up totally wasted at a strip club getting $40 lap dances.

Just like old times.

So, about the Date I mentioned in my last entry. She's a T-Girl I met on Craig's List. She's really cool, kind of spacey...but then again, so am I. I don't think I see us being any more than friends, though.

Well, that's all for now. I'm thinking about recreating my Halloween costume and putting up some clearer pics. I think it was really hot!


Another Month, another update...

I see the entry about 'Ana's moving in was just a handful of posts ago, and here we are, three and a half months later, and she's moved out.

We've had a couple of arguments that almost resulted in her leaving. Each time, after we both cooled off she'd go into Therapist mode and talk about communication, how I shouldn't be burning bridges... In the end, I was the villain, I apologized, and she'd end up staying.

It finally got to the point where I realized she was toxic. She wasn't totally crazy, she just...it's hard to explain.

About a month ago, when I got my new iPod, I told 'Ana' she could have my old mp3 player. Fastforward to about a couple of hours ago. My sister said she wanted an mp3 player for Christmas, so while 'Ana' and I were walking about the city, as we usually do, I told her about my sisters list and asked her if I could have it back.


She said it was at her mothers, that it was a gift and it's rude of me to ask for it back. Then she said, like I was a total cunt, "Whatever, you can have it back. I don't want to argue."

I didn't really know how to respond to that, at first. Since I started keeping track on October 1st, I've spent over $400 on her- not including food, gifts, movie tickets, etc. I thought it ironic that during this argument she was wearing the jeans I bought her for her new job- which she didn't end up working at because she didn't like the person training her.

When she was 'stranded' in Las Vegas, I was the first person she called and I immediatly bought her a ticket home. (I say 'stranded' because it turns out her Dad was ready to take her home, she just decided she didn't want to be with him anymore because of his attitude.)

I tried explaining this to her, that I wasn't upset about the stupid mp3 player, it was the fact that after all I've given her, all the things I've done for her, she would react that way over something she's never even used.

She just didn't seem to get it, and that's when I said she was completly toxic. I told her to get all of her stuff together and move it out of my room- she could put it in the Hotel's storage area until she found a new place.

This girl...she was a stranger. When the boss decided not to hire her and she had nowhere else to go, I barely knew her. I offered to let her stay because I'm a total sap . But we became friends and I let it drag out.

I know hindsight is 20/20. Truth is, I saw this coming two months ago, but the 90% of the time where we were best friends was great. We did everything together, she taught me a little piano and a little guitar, and I told her about all the cool tech in the pipeline. She turned me on to bands I'd never even heard of (Neutral Milk Hotel? WTF?). We watched 'The Office' together, She'd sing to me as we walked down the street, providing a great soundtrack to anotherwise dreary street...

Even though we were almost completly different, I thought she was a good friend.

The other 10% though... I would stew on it for awhile, but I'd try to put it out of my mind. Like how after three months, she had yet to find a job.

How she'd complain about her Ex inviting her out to a concert, and she didn't want to go because she was on the rebound, and she didn't want to drink or smoke and end up in another bad relationship...and than when she changed her mind two hours later and wanted to go, and I tried to remind her of all the reasons she had mentioned she'd yell it was None of my Business, that she was 28 and capable of making her own decisions.

I finally realized that even though she left home at a very young age, she was just living from boyfriend to boyfriend (or gullible sap).

She's never really been on her own, and consequently, doesn't seem to make the best decisions.

I didn't say any of this of course. We would argue a bit, I'd be the villain, and I'd apologize. Than I stopped apologizing, and just tried glossing over it and putting it out of my mind.

But today was the last straw- when I realized that despite all of my defending her, pleading her case to the Logical part of my brain, she really was taking advantage of me. I like to think that it wasn't totally on purpose, that it's just a way of life for her brought on by a lack of guidance growing up, or maybe a defense mechanism from a string of people taking advantage of her all her life.

There I go defending her again...

So, now she's gone. (Before leaving, she tossed the mp3 player on my bed- turns out it wasn't really at her Mother's house.)

And now, in a bit of a funk, I'm listening to Fastball's 'Out of my Head' on infinite repeat.

"Was I out of my head, was I out of my mind...? How could I have ever been so blind...?"

...And in other news, I've got a date tomorrow.


Well, Halloween has come and gone, and I'm still recovering. I really didn't intend to drink so much- just kinda happened.

'Ana' originally was going to stay in because she didn't want to drink, which would cause her to smoke, but she was having guy troubles and ended up smoking anyway, so she she said 'Fuck It' and went out with me.

My costume was a hodge-podge of things I found at the Buffalo Exchange. I was going to wear some purple fairy wings too, but they just got in the way.

'Ana' didn't really have a costume, except for my wings which I let her wear. (By the end of the night she had gotten some pink 1950ish style sunglasses and an oversized top-hat that she found on the street.)

As soon as we left the hotel a guy offered to let us share a cab with him to The Mission, where we stopped off at a Bar called The Attic and I had a couple of Cosmos. Coincidentally, this is also where things start to get a bit blurry.

We stopped by a liquor store and got some Vodka, and than headed to the Castro for the annual party there, but outside alcohol wasn't allowed so we didn't end up going in. (Good thing, too- nine people got shot when a guy pulled out a gun.)

During the next ten minutes, I somehow downed my bottle of vodka while 'Ana' went to find a bathroom, and she came back to find me sitting on the sidewalk, making out with some guy. Heh, my first kiss with a boy and I don't even remember what he looked like.

It's a total blur after that, punctuated with me vomitting in the street several times while 'Ana' practically carried me back home. So that was my night, really. 90% of it is a blank.

The next morning I was out of commission until 2PM, so I'm glad I didn't have to work. After that morning, I vowed to never drink again. Wonder how long that will last?

Posted a few blurry, pre-shit faced pics up on Flickr. Seeya!


Sorry for the lack of updates.

I should just change this to the 'Complain about Work' blog.

Anyway, we had to let some people go, so I was working 90 hour weeks for a while there. The paycheck was great, but I took a few days off afterwards to recover.

'Ana' had gone on a roadtrip with her Dad so they could reconnect, but things went sour and he ended up stranding her in Vegas.

I tried calling my Dad to see if he could help out, but he didn't answer, of course. We haven't heard from him or the boys since early August.

So, I bought 'Ana' a ticket back to San Francisco. It was pretty cheap, but the ticket wasn't debited to my account till days later. So for every coffee or pack of gum I bought, my account was actually in the negative without my realizing it, and I was charged $35 for every charge.

Ended up costing about $300. Ouch.

Speaking of 'Ana', she hasn't even been staying here that much since she made friends with a guy with a recording studio in his apartment. Plus she recently found a job, and she said she'd pay me back for everything.

Well anyway, I'm just excited about Halloween. I haven't really celebrated it in years, but I might have some fun this year. I'll be attending the Exotic Erotic Ball with The Vegan, and we'll probably spend the 31st together, too. Now that she has a cellphone we've been hanging out alot more.

We're going to go costume shopping tomorrow- still not sure what I'll be...



This guy had been staying at the hotel for a few days. Seemed like a normal guy, paid his rent on time and all that. Lately I noticed he stopped dropping his key off at the front desk when he left, and seemed to walk around in a daze.

Today I thought he was drunk when he came stumbeling in. He fell down as he was waiting for the elevator, and I helped him up, asked if he needed an ambulance, but he said he was fine. I've seen it a hundred times, so I brushed it off.

About an hour later someone comes down and says he's lying on the floor in the hallway. I go up and check, and he's conscious, but he's not responding. He maintains eye contact as I call an ambulance. After they arrive he stops breathing and they begin CPR.

They pronounce him dead at 13:02, the paramedics were saying it was probably an overdose.

I barely knew the guy, but I still cried. It's a weird, numbish kind of feeling I have now. That could have been me, back in January when I had that bad X. Lying on the crummy floor dying while the cops joke around.



Bah, I'm bummed.

Went to schedule a long overdue hair appointment today, and I found out my stylist quit! I spent a year at this place trying out a new person every month until I found the perfect one, who I saw exclusively for the next year.

So now they've set me up with his former apprentice. Bah. Guess I'll see how that goes...

In other news, I'm still sticking to the 48 hour day, and I've yet to have a psychotic breakdown. I actually seem to have more energy now. Before I would get dead tired around 2pm (most mammals being biphasic and all) but now I notice an increase in energy right up until a scheduled sleep period.

It's a little fun, burning the midnight oil.

In other, other news I just saw the trailer for The Prestige, and it looks great. David Bowie plays Nikola Tesla!


Well, Hell must have frozen over, and I think I see pigs flying by my window.

I crossed over do the Dark Side yesterday- I bought an ipod!

After I cashed 'Staci's check I found myself walking by the Apple Store, and felt myself being pulled through the silvery archway.

An 8gb mini-obelisk of black anondized aluminum proved too much to resist.

In addition, I used WindowBlinds and various other Stardock products to make my Windows desktop look more Mac-like. My next laptop will be a macbook Pro.


So, I'm evil- Yet-Another-Cult-of-Mac-Brainwash-ee. I'm so ashamed :(

But, I'm not completly evil. I've also gotten a (black) DS Lite and the New Super Mario Bros. game and Harvest Moon DS. You can't be THAT bad if you're running around stomping Goombas and planting crops all day, right?


Entries are just getting farther apart, aren't they?

The boss took another extended vacation. On top of that, a couple of employees have been flaking out, calling fifteen minutes late to say they won't be coming in at all. That's a pretty sucky feeling, getting ready and looking forward to leave after a long day, and then finding out you're working a double.

Besides that, the Russian Girl has gotten out of jail. Seems she's cleaned up a bit. She pops in occasionally to say Hi, sometimes we get lunch, but I'm smartly (for once) keeping my distance.

'Ana's been giving me free guitar and piano lessons. She's going to be moving out pretty soon.

And the Cold Fish, 'Staci' called me up out of the blue. Awhile ago I gave her some money through paypal to help fix her car. She denied the transaction, but apparently it still went through so the money's been sitting in her account all this time. When she realized it she wanted to meet up and pay it back.

We had a surprisingly nice time in North Beach, going to her favorite pizza place. Things were alot more comfortable and less awkward. She said she's sorry we fell out of touch, and wanted to reconnect. We're going to some faire together next weekend.

ANOTHER high school sweetheart tracked me down and wants me to go visit her in Freeport, NY.

Weird how these people are all coming back into my life at once.

Speaking of travel, Mom called me up and said instead of me flying them out here for Christmas, I should go out there and take a Bahamas cruise with them. That sounded kind of cool, but a little later she changed her mind again, saying that instead of spending all this money on travel, she'll just fly me out there to Florida and we can spend the money on each other.

So, guess I'm going to Florida again. Not really looking forward to flying out there again. I was having fun planning their trip out here, all the stuff we would see that I STILL haven't gotten around to yet, like going across the Golden Gate, taking the Alcatraz tour, etc.

But hey, I guess spending time with the family is what's important.

Let's see... I've been reading a great book called 'The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists'. It reminds me alot of 'Fight Club', but instead of fighting, these guys have turned seducing women into a science, a 'Venusian Art'.

I've got so many freakin' pdf ebooks now, dozens upon dozens, that I'm thinking about picking up Sony's E-ink reader when it comes out. 7,500 page turns on a single charge. That's enough to read the entire Harry Potter series three times over.

A little steep, but I still remember an article in Popular Mechanics (Or Science) I read way back in 1997 about E-Ink. I must have read the article a hundred times, and thought to myself "It will be mine... Oh yes, it will be mine..."

Finally, almost ten years later, that day is almost here. Of course, a couple of years from now they'll probably have color and Full Motion Video versions, but it's still pretty damn cool.


Been awhile since my last entry.

Soooooooo, what's been happening?

Not much, really. Same ole', same ole'. Working, playing around with various projects. While I'm waiting for a dewar to arrive to hold some liquid nitrogen, I've been working on something to get me around town, a cross between an electric scooter, a skateboard and a dystopic steampunk alterverse.

Welding is fun!

'Ana' is still staying here most nights, and I have to say, I've gotten rather fond of the company. We've been hanging out alot. Like, alot. After work we hang out in the Mission, or at a park, or just in my room.

The other night I finally watched Sixteen Candles for the first time, one of her favorite movies. (I've noticed that seems to be alot of girls' favorite movie) It was pretty cute, us laying on our stomaches, feet in the air, clutching stuffed animals and tearing up when the guy kissed her over the birthday cake.

(Course, as the credits rolled I got cyncial and said "But they don't even really know each other!")

Most nights we stay up late, me tinkering away at the workbench while she paints or writes song lyrics.

It's nice. Cozy. I'll miss it when she moves.


So 'Ana' moving in wasn't disrupting at all. She tries to stay over with other friends when possible, and has spent the last couple of days with her mom out of state, so she's only slept over a few times.

It's pretty cool, conversing deep into the AM, her being a night owl and all. Everything from the writers of Roseanne going out of there way to make them all sound like idiots, to narrated imaginary trips through higher dimensions.

So, all in all, it's been fun.

Now, onto my latest experiment- hacking my circadian rythms.

I've been trying to find ways to maximize my awake time, while still remaining alert. Eight hours a night, over the course of fifty years, means about seventeen years of it are spent sleeping!


The past few months, I've been experimenting with different sleep cycles, none of which really fit my schedule. So I was thinking- if there's not enough hours in the day, why not just increase the length of a day?

Hence the 48 hour day was born. (Which is just a fancy way of saying that I go to sleep every other night.)

Of course, I added a couple of 90 minute naps inbetween.

So, for the past few weeks, I've been using myself as a guinea pig, subjecting myself to the following schedule:








Which, if you want to think about it in 24 hour terms (how archaic), roughly averages out to about 3.75 hours a 'day'. In 48 hour terms, that's a healthy 7.5 hours of sleep a day.

And I've felt pretty good. Since I'm not augmenting the schedule with any alertness-inducing chemicals, I figure my body will tell me if it rejects the new rythm, which hasn't seemed to happen yet. Work is going fine, my memory seems to be well within the normal-for-me range (somewhat absentminded), and my coordination and reflexes are AOK.

As long as I keep the sleeping and nap times in multiples of 90 minutes (average length of time for sleep cycles) I awaken feeling refreshed.

With this schedule, if it were to theoretically be maintained for the above mentioned five decades, would result in only eight years spent in slumber. Not ideal, but that's still gaining nine years that would have otherwise been wasted.

And what will I do with that extra time? Post blog entries at 4am, apparently. Let's see, I just got in from Denny's after a late night snack, and I caught the grave shift clerk sleeping at the wheel. Before that, I was catching up on the downloaded movies and tv shows that have been piling up on my hard drive.

Haven't been doing as much work at the ole' workbench as I'd thought I would, but I'm still waiting on some backordered parts to arrive. My main work in cryobiology will have to wait untill than, but I've been distracting myself with rudimentary demonstrations of electrogravity.

Fun fun fun.

(Jeez I'm weird- I'm going to be alone forever.)


Speaking of alcohol... This is probably anti-climatic and contradictory after my last post.

Hey, that's life.

So I was downstairs talking with the Vegan when 'Ana' came by, saying she was going to go see her Ex's jazz show, and invited me along. Sucker such as I, I leapt at the chance to spend some time with her, and soon found myself downtown trying to drink myself into a stuper.

I managed a slight buzz, and 'Ana', being a normal girl, got a little drunk after a couple of beers.

We were chatting alot about various stuff, much of it garbage. I won't go into it, but it was a nice kind of garbage.

We did talk about her living situation though, and how she said she was going to head back to her hometown (a three hour train ride away) for a few weeks until she could find a place to live/job in SF.

(And yet again) Sucker that I am, I wanted to help her out.

Let me straighten this out- I've accepted the fact that we won't be any more than friends. Not just said it, but actually felt it. Here is a cool girl that I could learn a lot from, and her brain damage or whatever doesn't negate that fact.

(I'm throwing the term 'brain damaged' around pretty loosely. In reality, she's been on alot of meds for a staph infection that expains most of the memory problems. Try telling that to the boss though, who's favorite quote is "Wasted time and money can't be regained, but bodies can always be replaced". He's right, of course. Doesn't make it any less [insert personified evil term here] )

So when we got back, sharing a cigarette on the roof, I thought about the 'Right Thing' to do. The Vegan might disagree, but I really am out to save the World. And though I can't quite do that yet, when I can do something for the people in my life, I step in front of the metaphorical bus. I've used my position at the hotel to do favors for people I think needed help in the past, even though it's kind of an ethical shade of grey.

We really got into it, and she told me how people have taken advantage of her in the past, expecting blowjobs or makeouts for favors. Jeez, I'm leaving that Sex behind, but I still think I need to apologize on their behalf, sometimes. (Heh, like I'm any better.)

So, I offered to let her stay with me in my room for a couple of weeks. Heart over Brain? Maybe. But like I said, I came to terms with us just being friends. I even shook her hand and said I wouldn't expect any 'Happy Endings' or anything.

So how's this going to end? Probably with me in a heap of trouble. But, you know, I think I'm going to sleep well tonight.

I did the right thing by keeping her at a distance when we were co-workers. And now, I think I'm doing the right thing by helping out a friend in trouble. (Even though my cynical side still thinks I'm a sucker.)


It's weird, not being able to get drunk anymore. Well, not without significent effort. The only time I've managed to get drunk since January was on my flight to Florida. The pressurization makes the alcohol hit stronger.

Even still, it took four Vodka Rocks', my drink of choice now.

At sea level, forget about it. *sigh* I miss the days of being able to fill up my 130 pound frame with one shot, where I would then start rolling around on the floor, laughing hysterically.

Good times.

Anyway, I'm happy to say I made the Right decision with 'Ana'. I finally listened to my Brain over my Heart (and maybe something a little lower, too... I'm on Hormone Replacement therapy- I'm not dead.)

We hung out a bit, but I kept it professional, didn't get too personal.

Good thing, too. Had to fire her.

The 'cracks' started to appear after the first couple of weeks. Like I said, she's a very calm person. Maybe a little too calm. I don't think she's on drungs, but she admitted to trying varying substances in the past. And as I know from my Ex-physicist shut-in friend who's been living at the hotel for the past 20 years, a couple of hits of acid can really screw up the brain permanently.

After two weeks of training, four hours a day, nothing has 'stuck'. Policies, computer use, data entry- nada.

I know she's smart though. She can pick up almost any instrument and start playing music right away. She's right-brain smart, I guess.

So the boss had me let her go. Wasn't the easiest conversation. I wasn't about to tell her the Boss thinks "she has a screw loose". (Which adds further proof to my theory that there's always something wrong with everybody I'm attracted to.) I just said that he took her in to see if it would work out, but he checked the schedule and realized we don't need any other workers at the moment.

I did try to break the news gently, and we talked about hanging out some more sometime, so maybe we're still friends. Who knows?

And while I wrapped that up, I had to go interview her replacement. Little white lies are ok if you don't want to hurt somebodies feelings, right?

So, in summary, I did something right for a change.

Wrong- 9234598237459324
Right- 1

See? I'm starting to close the gap.


I was thinking. Energy can't be created or destroyed, right?

So what's going to happen at the end of the universe? Will it really keep expanding forever, until entropy takes over and energy is so spread apart nothing will exist anymore? Or will it eventually all come back together in a Big Crunch?

I know the galaxies are accelerating away from each other, but maybe, somehow, they still all come back together in the end.

Maybe energy gets around the whole created or destroyed principle through a loophole. If it always existed, than it was never really created in the first place, right? Maybe the universe is a snake eating it's own tail, a loop of infinite expansions and contractions.

Though, that doesn't seem like that great a possibility, either. If that's the case, it would make the Universe a giant version of Ground Hog's Day. Maybe that's what Deja Vu is- some faint reminder, an echo, that we've done all of this an infinite amount of times already.

Actually, that possibility would suck.

I didn't exist for about fourteen billion years. And here I am, for the briefest, fleeting of moments. And then afterwards? True infinity? That's peanuts compared to fourteen billion years.

But, infinity is a long time. If energy really will last forever, then the energy I'm made of right now might eventually be a stapler, or the fuel of a star, or even another lifeform. I suppose that's better than scattering my ashes in a lake somewhere.

I think I mentioned this before, but there was this Calvin and Hobbes strip I remember reading years ago. I should find it and print it out.

Bascially, Calvin is doing his Snow Art. He's made a super-deformed snowman with a wide, howling mouth, twisted limbs, and bug eyes. He calls it "The Torment of Existence Weighed Against the Horror of Non-Being".

And ever since then, that has been my definition of the human condition.

Let's stick to what I know, the Existence side of the equation. As I was telling The Vegan during one of our many spiritied philosophical debates, I believe in a balance. Humans have an extraordinary capacity for compassion, love, goodwill, and all that. But, Yin and Yang, we also have the capacity to inflict great pain and suffering.

We have highs, so we must also have lows.

When looked at in that way, it's very natural. When you think about it in a Yin/Yang kind of way, it seems a little easier to take a step back and realize that these cycles of up and down are natural, and yes, necessary.

To pull another quote from Calvin and Hobbes (one of the best things ever written/drawn, btw) "If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?"

But when things are low... Heh, doesn't stop it from sucking any less, does it?


Yeah, one could say it's something of a delicate situation, dating within the workplace.

But it doesn't feel that way. 'Ana' and I are both really shy, so it's kind of fun as we take turns working up the nerve to invite the other out, and than stumble through the next few hours. It's a dorky, cute stumbling though.

It's interesting because she's completly different than my usual dating MO, and I didn't realize it until now.


Taking an exploratory trip down memory lane, I can see how many freakin' problems everyone I dated had that I did my best to forget and bury. Drug addiction, psycho Ex's they couldn't stop going back to, car theft rings and drug running, just to name a few highlights.

That doesn't speak very highly of me, getting involved with people like that in the first place.
Course, I didn't know it right off the bat, and 'got out of dodge', so to speak, when I found out about the things they were up to.

But anyway, the point was that 'Ana's Drama-free. Ok, well, no woman is 100% drama-free, but I know how to spot the chaotic mindset pretty well; not just from my Ex's, but from living and working these last few years in one of San Francisco's sleaziest areas.

And she's actually passionate about something. She loves the arts and music as much as I love science, and we understand when the other wants to lock themselves in their room and drop off the map for awhile when they're creating.

But like I said, it's kind of a delicate situation, and we're taking our time. We haven't kissed, hugged, or even held hands. And unlike the 'Cold Fish', er, 'Staci', I find that I don't even care- I'm happy just being around her.

Heh, me being happy for however brief a time. Who woulda 'thunk it?


Had my 'rite of passage' last night, as a light tremor hit Northern Cali.

Actually, I was in California during the Quake of '89, but I was a little too young to remember that one clearly.

It was a pretty interesting experience. Just typing at my computer, feeling the rumble of a passing truck. It took me a few moments to realize there WAS no passing truck. I probably should have headed for a doorway, but the rocking was so slight a part of me just sat there wondering if it was going to get worse, and a part of me just sat there thinking of that 'Earthquake' Ride/Simulator at Universal Studios that I went on in Florida, which was set in SF. How ironic.


Eesh, a new month already. Time waits for no one.

Not much happening, really. I think I'm part cyborg, as the dentist installed a titanium post in my head today, to support a crown to be added sometime at the end of the year. Now if only I could get an RFID chip put in too so I can pay for stuff by kissing the scanner.

A girl dropped from the sky at the hotel, 'Ana' (though her real name is much more beautiful), offering her housekeeping experience in a 'Work for Housing' exchange arrangement. A 'purty girl in her late twenties, who I seem to kind of get along with.

I'm thinking about inviting her to dinner sometime. And so, the Cycle of Heartbreak begins anew...

Obviously, it doesn't help my chances if that's the attitude I start off with, but what can I say- a lifetime of experience has left me bitter and cynical. Maybe I should wear extra make-up to cover all that up.


Ahhhh. It feels good to be able to say, once again, "Oh, this? This is my newest invention!" Of course the effects only complete if I add a slightly mad twitch to my eye during the delivery.

One thing I miss about some of my old boy shirts are those shirt pockets for holding my tech crap. I've never been much of a 'purse' person- for some reason I always think I look weird carrying one.

So I repurposed a velcro armband from an old MP3 player. I put some velcro stickers on my gadgets and just stuck em' onto the band, along with some loops for my glasses, mini-screwdrivers, pens, etc.

My box of Camels posed a problem though because the velcro stickies didn't stick very well on a cardboard box. So I made a cigarette case from an old altoids tin.

Ok, yeah, it's not going to change the world anytime soon. But I still think it's cool having all that stuff strapped to my arm. Much less silly than carrying a purse around. (In my strange worldview, anyway.)


Oh, by the way...


Nikola Tesla teaming up with Mark Twain to fight evil in turn of the century New York?

FUCK YES! Look at Tesla weilding those Resonant Coil Guns. If any aliens reading want to transport me to an alternate universe, please let it be that one.

So as you can see, I made it back safely.

My return to the city wasn't exactly filled with fanfare. It's like I had jumped out of the oven and into the cool-to-the-touch fryer. It wasn't scorching, but SF was uncomfortably warm, by my standards.

Damn global warming, making me sweat. I hate that.

I had also found that the BART (subway) wasn't $4.95 like I remembered, but $5.15, so I bought a ticket that was 15 cents short. The vegen I work with constantly brags about how she 'shoves it to the man' by not paying for BART or MUNI, so I figured I could get away with skipping out on the few pennies.

Of course, the second I try to sneak out the gate I'm stopped by the ticket box person. I tried explaing the situation, asking for a break, since it was just 15 cents. Acting like she didn't hear a word I said, she said she was going to bill me and asked for my ID.

Fine, whatever, I thought. Just let me out of here so I can go to bed. I handed her my passport, the only form of ID I had, and she practically threw it back at me, saying I needed something with my address. I explained I didn't have one, since I don't drive and never really found a need for a license, so she said she was tired of dealing with me and was going to call BART police.

'Jesus christ' I said, taking two seconds to stop a hipster looking guy walking by and asking him if I could bum a quarter. I handed it to the lady and told her to keep the change and hightailed it outta there.

I didn' t stress out too much over it. Though I think she overreacted, I was technically in the wrong, afterall. Eesh, give some people just the smallest amount of authority or power...

But anyway, enough about that. I've been feeling pretty good. Still haven't heard back from 'Staci' about the friendship offer, but I really didn't think she'd actually go for it. I'm sure she was just being polite about the whole enjoying my company thing.

I've been spending my time back focusing on me, letting my freak flag fly. I've been feeling really creative, filling my notebook up with little mini-projects. A part of me loves being the 'eccentric', and I've taken to wearing three 'gizmo' watches and altering some of my clothing to hold my various gadgets.

Next step, modifying my glasses to have those little rotating magnifying and scope lenses that you see geeks wearing in movies.


So, what went wrong after my last entry?

Well, the Florida Storms came in, delaying my flight by two hours, which would make me miss my connecting flight in Phoenix to SF. So I stood in line for an hour and a half to get a new boarding pass printed up, putting me on a later flight out.

Fast Forward a few hours later, after my arrival in Phoenix. I take a nice break at the airport bar, have a couple of smokes, and than I go to the gate, where I find the flight to SF has been cancelled due to mechanical problems.

I'm not upset or stressed over it, really. At least they caught in on the ground, plus they put me up in a nice hotel. I should get some pictures of this place. Very nice.

I'll have to wake up early. My flight is supposed to leave around 7am.

Phoenix. Eesh. When I first came here on my way to Tampa, it was 8am and already 95 degrees. Here it is 10pm and it's 110. And I thought Tampa was hot.

Well in other news, I heard back from the "Cold Fish". I've gotta stop calling her that. Maybe 'Staci'. There we go.

So 'Staci' said I didn't screw up, I just wasn't her type, which is what I figured, but she said she enjoyed my company. So I offered the olive branch of friendship. I said I enjoyed her company too, and that even though we didn't have a lot in common we should still hang out occasionaly because I enjoyed her company too.

Heh, we'll see where THAT goes. Probably nowhere fast, but I need to 'widen my network', so to speak. Any extra nodes have got to be a good thing.

K, ta ta for now.

Heh, well, here I am.

I had meant to post, but I never seemed to find the time. And now, here I am sitting in Tampa International waiting for the flight back to civilization.

It was a pretty fun visit. I treated the family to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. We got rained out of the second park- ended up getting pretty soaked. That was OK though, I was wearing my 'Summer Blake' ensemble that I picked up for the trip, and so I dried out quickly enough.

It was kind of weird, wearing white.

Anyway, so now I'm heading back home, looking forward to a week of doubles to help make up for some of my time away.

The "Cold Fish", I sent her a txt while I was out here. I figured that I'd probably never hear from her again, so I might as well be the bigger person and offer some closure (for myself, mostly), basically telling her that I hope she finds what she's looking for, I'm sorry things didn't work out, and to take care.

So imagine my surprise when she actually responds with a "What do you mean 'not working out?'" Jeez. I wasn't going to fall into another game of mixed signals though, so I just sent a short email detailing it out:

That I had fun and had hoped for something more, but I had gotten the impression that she wasn't feeling the same way- which is fine, because that's what the whole concept of dating is all about. But, if I misunderstood her, just let me know because I'd love to get together again sometime.

Finally, I did something direct for a change. Sent that yesterday, no response. Ha.

Well, hopefully my next entry will be from San Francisco.


Well, I fly out tomorrow so this will probably be my last post this week. If it turns out to be my LAST post, it'll be the planes fault, not mine.

Despite some promising turn of events with that girl I had been seeing, the Cold Fish, it's over. We had a nice third date, or so I thought, but now she's not answering my calls. Heh. I think that brochure was lying- feeling like a Pathetic Loser is not all it's cracked up to be. In fact, it's not nice at all.

So in the span of a month, I lost my (closest thing to) a best friend, the only romantic possibility I had going for me, and even 'Ally' isn't responding to emails. The Trifecta.


I try to put a positive spin on it, but it just seems to devolve into me muttering about "fuckin' cunts" into my vodka tumbler while I sit in my room with the shades drawn and all the lights off.

Ooh, how angsty.

It's not their fault though. Not entirely. I came to the conclusion about a year ago that I'm 'broken'. Despite the whole "What is Normal, Anyway?" argument, I'm not. I'm very ABnormal. It lends credit to my theory that I'm at least half-alien. (And I'm only half-joking)

I just can't seem to function normaly in society on anything but a most basic level. How does everyone else do it? It really is a gigantic mystery to me.

Agh, screw it. I'm swearing off women.


Heh, silly me. That girl I shared my first kiss with? 'Ally'? How could I forget- She's the subject of my very first UCOMDL entry!

11/11/2000 on the old Geocities Site ------------------>

So, we'll see where things go with that. Knowing me, it can't end well. But anyway...

The power just went out in the building and the surrounding blocks. So, I've got about 4 hrs or so of battery usage left. Guess I should watch that Entourage episode I downloaded before my battery goes kaput.


Hmm, guess I jumped the gun when I said she was married. More like engaged.

Totally unrelated to that revelation, I sent her an email and we chatted a bit.

It's kind of cool, reconnecting with someone from your past like that. Granted, it's not like it's been all that long, maybe 5 years or so since I've seen her, but still...

It's kind of hazy, but I recall "Coming Out" to her. I didn't have to say much, really, as I bumped into her 'en femme' at the mall. Tight jeans, powder blue blouse with matching tennis shoes, and a light hint of makeup.


I'm not all that passable now, but back then, pre-hormones, forget about it. I felt like Frankenstein's monster or something. Not sure how I worked up the nerve.

Well, she seemed pretty cool about it. I seem to remember that she's kind of kinky.

So anyway, after drudging around my past through the modern miracle of the internet, I've found that I feel...compelled...to return to my hometown.

I didn't make many friends- in fact I was hated or ignored by pretty much everyone. But the connections I DID manage to make, they ran pretty deep. Heh, I'm suddenly imagining a TG version of that movie 'Just Friends'. I think that would be a pretty cool storyline. Much better than the overdone "Straight Guy has to Dress Up as a girl inorder to [Insert Improbable Situation Here] and Save the Day, Get the Girl, and Learn an Important Life Lesson."

If I DID ever go back, I'd probably have to get my drivers license first. (Did I mention that I never got that? I detest driving, and last thing I wanted was another ID with a big fat M that I'd have to change later. But nowadays, I don't think it's all that big a deal. I still hate driving though.)

This year is pretty busy, travel expenditure wise, but who knows- maybe next year.


And Go On it does, what with bills to be paid and work to be done.

Especially work. It's pretty stressful, as the boss only seems to believe in delegating when it comes to himself. Me, I'm expected to know everything, and to do everybody else's job.

I guess that's why I make the big bucks.

Yesterday sucked, getting phone calls every 5 minutes about such and such things, mistakes other people made, why I'm not on top of them, and so on.

Today has slowed down a little bit, so, here I am.

I got a pretty big shock, though. A blast from the past, one might say. Mom invited me to MySpace, so I put up a quick, empty page. That's when I realized you could search for other people by their real name.

And the first name I tried was my High School Sweetheart, the one I gave a ring too. And I found her. J's site was just as empty as mine, but her Friends List linked to her sister and brother's site, which was more filled out. And the brother's site had a picture of all of them together.

Wow, I can't believe how much people can change in ten years. Last time I saw K and A, they were little kids. Unbelievable.

I feel really old now.

And J, well, I'm having trouble believing it's her. She looks like a supermodel. Well, I only fall for the pretty ones.

I also found my Other High School Sweetheart- the girl who, in fact, I had my first kiss with. She's now happily married, with a child. Wow.

I feel really young now.


So it's official- I'm headin' "Home" for about a week.

I bought the plane ticket, and I'll be leaving mid-July- just a couple of weeks from now.

The original plan was to head out there in September. Well, the original, orginal plan was to go to the Bahamas in June, and then catch Florida on the way back. But I decided to use the money to fly the family out here for Christmas.

But I'd like to see them again before than, plus there's a possibility Dad will be heading out to Florida at the same time, so maybe I'll see the Boys, too.

I'm also going to treat the family to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. I haven't been there in years.

In fact, I think the last time I was there, was when I first discovered that transitioning was the path for me.

God, I looked pretty ridiculous walking around in that crappy wig and second hand clothing, but I felt free, ya know?

So, I think that'll be fun. I could use the vacation- haven't taken a day off in seven months. Not only that, it'll be nice to get out of the city for awhile. Not that I don't love it, sometimes I just like to drop off the map- not that anyone's looking for me anyway.

'Amy' never wrote back or contacted me, as I knew she wouldn't. Even though I put a P.S. that she could just ignore this and we can stay friends, that was more a formality than anything. That email- that was my good-bye.

I let her go.

A part of me says good-riddance, a part of me is in mourning for the lost of my friend. Darn Aquarian duality.

So I'm back on that long, dark path again. My cellphone silent, my afterwork schedule empty. Once again, it's just me, my shadow, and my thoughts.

Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Maybe there really is some greater purprose, something in motion requiring me to travel alone.

Or not. Most likely, my human ego is deluding itself to avoid the ugly truth- that we're all insignificant.

And yet...life goes on.



You don't really need to read Part I for this to make sense.

Actually, it doesn't make sense at all.

I did it. I finally just came out and said- 'Amy', I am madly in love with you.

Well, no, not really.

Let's back up a little. Yes, I've had some relationships. I'm sort of in one now with this girl I recently met. (I can say with reasonable accuracy that it won't go anywhere- Shocker of shockers, right?)

But, I mean, 'Amy' has always been The One. I mean, I'm usually a smart person. Yeah, I've said horrible things about her. And she's done things to me that have hurt. But, I don't know, like I said- ever since we first met, I believed this person was my soulmate.

And the other day, she said something to that affect as well.

So anyway, after a great night yesterday, after we said our goodbyes for the night, I walked home, and for some reason, I felt compelled to put my feelings on the table. It wasn't the alcohol.

I forgot to mention this, but after my stay in the hospital from the X, my body chemistry seems to have changed. I was pretty scared for a bit there- sometimes I literally couldn't sit still, like I had advanced Restless Limb Syndrome. But eventually it faded when I cut back on the caffeine. I seem to be hypersensitive to stimulants now.

In addition, after as many drinks as I had last night, I should have been drunk off my ass. I got a buzz, albeit a fairly weak one. Alcohol isn't even very fun anymore, but that doesn't seem to stop me from trying.

So anyway, when I got home, I sspent about an hour writing her an email. I wasn't drunk, so I thought it was fairly well-written. And it wasn't a lovey-dovey sap poem or anything like that, it was a raw description of my feelings for her- good and bad.

It began with my 'revelation' of my own mortality, how I shouldn't hold everything inside, I should take more chances, because eventually, it won't even matter. A large chunk of the letter was devoted to expressing my resentment over the eviction- about how I felt like she was toying with me for amusement, how viscious she was in her verbal assaults, and how hurt I was by them.

And then I apologized for the events that lead up to that, and I forgave her for how she reacted. And I really do. I forgive her- the anger is just gone.

I only dedicated a few lines at the end to my other feelings for her. I explained that if I wasn't too young and cynical to believe in love, I would say that I love her. But right now, what I can say is that I like her, and that I want to be more than friends.


I have a fairly active imagination, and can concoct some pretty vivid dreamworlds and fantasies sometimes. But in truth, I'm something of a realist.

Like, for example, I know that 'Amy's not going to read that email and show up on my doorstep in the pouring rain. She won't look up at me, soaked to the bone, her eyes shrink-wrapped in tears. And without a word, I won't wrap my arms around her waist, and I won't draw her in for a kiss that seals our eternal everburning blah blah dee daaaaaa.

No, I don't expect any of that sappy shit. The Truth is this- a girl like her, she's not looking to settle down with someone like me. She couldn't ever like me as more than a friend. And now, after such a frank confession, she probably won't even be that anymore.

So why? Why was I compelled to ruin such a thing? Like I said, Life is Short. I'm not going to waste my life away pining over someone like that. At least now, SOMETHING will happen. I won't sit around in a limbo, "secretly" admiring her from afar.

Once she responds negatively, as I know she will, maybe I can finally move on.

It's rather cliched, but I feel like a weight has been lifted. I woke up today and didn't feel afraid. I can become addicted to this feeling- maybe I'll do something like this more often.


Ok, I admit the previous post was a little overdramatic.

Here's a little story, that I'll break into two posts.

So 'Amy' invited me out last night. She had this gig at this nightclub that was hosting a bunch of japanese rock bands. Her job was to wear a 'Lolita' outfit with a bunch of other girls, and go around getting people's email addresses.

While I was backstage with her, the guy who gave her the job came into the dressing room, and apologized for not being able to get her friend on the guest list. Ooops, guess I'd have to be leaving.

He chatted with her for a bit and then looked my way, eyeing me up and down suspiciously. I had just left work, so I was still in my Smart-Casual attire. "What was your name again? What band were you with?"

I realized that he didn't know that I was That Friend 'Amy' had mentioned, and so I started ad libbing. "I'm Bee, Ms. *Blank*s manager," I said, shaking his hand.

"Manager? But...she..." I noded towards 'Amy', smiling. "She usually doesn't take gigs like this, but she's a huge fan of-" I glanced at the program schedule hanging on the wall behind him at eye level. "...The pillows. And I must confess, I harbor a certain fondness for them myself. So, here we are."

"Oh, well, ok," he said on his way out. "Just make sure you both get your hands stamped, and pick up an arm band. As long as you're both on the guest list, you shouldn't have a problem."

As soon as the door closed her and I almsot collapsed laughing. "Wow, you're a good liar!" "Meh, comes with the territory, I guess."

After that, all 'Amy' had to do was give me her armband, and press the still wet ink of her stamp against my hand, and I was in.

I mostly stuck around the bar, shelling out $5 each for a little tumbler of vodka and ice. Had some nachos, too, that were surprisingly good. It was nice, just taking in the ambience, listening to the music.

I took a couple of smoke breaks, bumming a smoke from Shinichiro Sato, drummer for The Pillows. They were pretty cool cigarettes that said Hope in little gold letters near the filter. I saved it for my loose collections of nostalgic souvenirs.

'Amy' ended up ducking out early, and we decided to head out for a late dinner. I mean, it was all just nice. Really, really nice.

So why did I have to ruin it?


Jesus Christ, what have I done?

I have become Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds...


Put a gun in my mouth and paint the wall with my brains.

I've got to be depressed to start quoting 'Fight Club' again. And it's not because I just read my Mom's MySpace Profile, her pic showing off her new tatoo on her lower back. *shivers*

When it comes to relationships, it's always seems to be ups and downs. Mostly downs. Is that normal? No wonder I reluctantly prefer to be alone.

*Wandering through this darkness, I'm alive but I'm alone. Part of me is fighting this, but part of me is gone.*

Funny how you can listen to the same song a million times, and not really hear it, until you're in the right mindset.

So like I said, I like this girl, and was warming up to her. She called me up late yesterday and invited me to a movie. She's a horror junkie so we saw The Omen. (Brilliantly shot, great use of color, but god was the acting terrible.)

Then we stopped at Denny's to get some 'Food', made with genuine corrugated cardboard. It was about 3am at this point, so there wasn't much choice.

We talked alot, and I enjoyed getting to know her better. I guess the problem was in the physical aspects of things. I held her hand, but she didn't really hold it back, and every few minutes would let go to adjust her shoe and wouldn't reach out again.

Later, when we were about to part ways, I stepped closer, to prepare for a goodnight kiss, and she kind of stepped backwards and we hugged instead.

I mean, second date and no kiss? I thought I was a cold fish.

Now, I mean, from the above I would say she's not interested in a romantic relationship. And I could deal with that. She's a cool girl and I could settle for being friends.

But I'm confused. She works all the time, and doesn't have much time off, plus she has like a dozen friends she hangs out with.

So, why was she talking about meeting up with me on her very next day off? If she just wanted to be friends, why the time commitment? Why call me up to see a movie at 11pm right after she had a long day of work?

Now I'm too cynical to believe that I understand women just because I'm a m2f TG. There's a whole other dynamic at work. They've had a lifetime of estrogen crossing wires in their brain. I've only had five, so...

I don't know- maybe she's just not a 'touchy-feely' person, or maybe she's making me run an extra mile or two. (I thought I was done with the latter. Bah.)

So, we'll see what happens. Third times a charm. If I still get a No Go, I'll ask point blank, 'what's up'. Though, I'll probably stretch it out and use big words.

Because I'm a pretentious genius, and all.


Dating has always been interesting for me. It takes a special kind of girl to be attracted to a...ah, "Special Kind of Girl" like me. The pattern I've noticed, they seems to be strong, liberal-minded ladies with gothic tendencies. And most identify as Bi. (Well, Duh.)

Just goes to show that there's always someone for everyone. Even alot of someones, surprisingly.


Haven't posted any new pics in a while, but I should. I'd like to pose in my labcoat. The white ones are traditional, of course, but I decided to repurpose a black overcoat I had. Wearing a black labcoat, you can't help but laugh manically every few minutes while rubbing your palms together.

As soon as my new eyeglasses arrive I'll snap some pics.


Those Quick Pick lotto machines have got to be a scam. 11-15-16-19-30? Come on! Even better:
44-45-47-49-50. Yeah, right. I've got to start picking my own again.

So I haven't blogged much lately. I got depressed last week and tried the Craigs List thing, posting a little ad that got all of three responses. Long story short, I met up with this girl and we had a pretty nice time. Well, I think so, anyway.

So we'll see how that goes. I haven't exactly had the best track record.

Those Quick Pick lotto machines have got to be a scam. 11-15-16-19-30? Come on! Even better:
44-45-47-49-50. Yeah, right. I've got to start picking my own again.

So I haven't blogged much lately. I got depressed last week and tried the Craigs List thing, posting a little ad that got all of three responses. Long story short, I met up with this girl and we had a pretty nice time. Well, I think so, anyway.

So we'll see how that goes. I haven't exactly had the best track record.


Your Social Dysfunction:

You are excessively sensitive to potential rejection, humiliation or shame. You tend to be socially withdrawn, in spite of desire for acceptance from others.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.


Two posts a day are usually pretty rare, but I got to thinking, as I usually do after my second Screwdriver.

There's got to be something about me that's really weird. I mean, like I said, most people end up turning on me in the end. Friends turn to enemies, love to hate. So I've got to be doing something. Then again, take my promotion, for instance.

I worked here for about a year, on the graveyard shift. Suddenly, the boss promotes me to manager when the other manager quit. Not the person who worked here for ten years, or the person who worked here for five years, and had the Certificates in small business and hotel managment.

But...me. Why?

It seems to always go that way- the ones in authority, whether boss or teachers or whatever, seem to like me. To trust me. While my peers tend to shun me.

I mean, I don'tcconsider myself a teachers pet, or anything. I was always fighting with my teachers, and then my bosses. I still do.

So, why then... Why tehn...

hmm, I seem to havelost my point. Well anyhoo, back to theboooooze.

Well, things finally came to a head with that employee. She was living at the hotel, and all she had to do was sign a registration card and start a payment plan to pay off all the backrent she owes. She refused to sign the card, and when told she had to sign it or move out, she said she'd move out. And then later, said that if she had to move out, she was quitting. So she quit. From principle, she says.

The Boss didn't exactly fight to keep her. I was told to keep her hours down to a minimum, to keep her away from the desk as much as possible. Him and I agree that she's a little...high strung. Her first day, she threatned a customer with a baseball bat for crying out loud.

(And since she wasn't fired immediately, that kind of gives you an idea of the kind of place I work at.)

'Ellis' is going on 32, but she's still emotionally immature. Having to do with being so religious and sheltered, I guess. Still a virgin, lived at home till she was 31, spent 10 years in the ivory walls of university- she hasn't actually been in the real world for very long.

And when her parents finally kicked her out, the only thing she could think of was to go to a women's shelter.

We were kind of friends, at first, so that's how I know all this, but being the boss and all put a strain on the relationship, and as is often the case with most people, she ended up hating me near the end there.

I tried to give her advice, when she left. The hatred wasn't mutual- it never is, really. I guess being cold and all, people just assume I hate everyone.

Anyway, so I said that instead of just waiting for things to happen, instead of just drifting, she should work harder for what she wants. That instead of leaving a paying job and a roof over your head, she should stick with it, even if it's just a few more months to get some money saved up.

'Ellis' gave me this really self-satisfied smug smile that I still remember, handing me this Craig's List ad about a job opening. Not an offer, she hadn't contacted them yet, it was just an opening. "I just wanted to prove you wrong. SEEEEEE! God listens to MYYYYYY prayers. God rewards MYYYYY faith."

"That isn't the point," I tried to stress, shaking my head sadly. "First off, you shouldn't need or want to prove me wrong. Who cares what I believe? The point is you shouldn't want and expect everything to to be just handed to you. Don't you want the satisfaction of earning something through determination. Through your skills- not luck or faith or whatever?"

With that she stuck her tongue out at me and headed off to the Church with her bags.

Jeez laweez.

What am I doing trying to give anyone advice, anyway? I'm not exactly a shining beacon of accomplishment and leadership.

Ugh, anyway.


Until some required equipment arrives, I've been having fun making useful little devices out of junk. MAKE magazine has been a good source of inspiration, especially their blog.

One is a lamp made from an old cigar box I found around the hotel. Found out later the Boss was collecting em'. Eesh, hopefully he won't notice one little box missing. I still have to add a dimming switch to that before it's finished.

The second is a benchtop power supply made from a 150W PSU from an old computer. I gotta make sure I don't leave that under the chair at an airport... Still, it looks pretty cool, I think.


Had a long overdue root canal today, and I'm rather surprised.

It took awhile for the novacaine to completly wear off, which sparked my paranoid mind with fears of facial paralysis and nerve damage. But after it faded I found that the only thing that hurt was my jaw muscle from having my mouth forced open for an hour and a half. (Hey, get your mind out of the gutter! Oh, that's just me. NM.)

So all in all, not too bad. Money well spent, I say. Though, I'd have rather not had to do it at all. Brush and floss, kids!

Nowadays I have pretty good dental hygiene, but lately I've been payin' for the damage of my wayward youth.

There's my bench! Yup, built with my own two hands. Not too bad, if I do say so myself, though any carpenters in the audience must be biting their tongues.

Sure, maybe constructing and inventing and all that jazz isn't exactly classically feminine per se, I'm my own person. Any longtime readers know that I'm... Strange isn't quite the right word, but it's the first one that comes to mind. In any case, I am a little weird. Never been much of a follower, and I have lived with the consequences.

So, now back to the ole' workshop. Ta ta for now!


Well 'Erica' showed up at my doorstep rather tearful. Apparently she violated her parole by missing a class, so before her arrest warrant is issued she said she's skipping town, heading back to Russia.

'Erica' doesn't want to go back to jail, and hey, who can blame her? I feel sorry for her, I really do. But I knew the last thing she'd want is my pity, so I just hugged her until she stopped crying, and we said our goodbyes.

Somehow, I had a feeling something like this would happen. She's a sweet kid. Well, I guess I can't say kid, seeing as how she's ten years older than me. But she doesn't seem to make the greatest decisions. Back when she was seeking advice, I said she should cut contact with these so-called friends, stay inside, read a book. Go to school. Get a job. Yadda yadda yadda. Nothing good ever happens past 2am. And get off the freakin' crack.

I tried to get her to a professional for her addiction- You can lead a horse to water, but... etc.

Anyway, I don't know if she'll make it, but more power to her for trying, I suppose. Maybe I've seen too many movies, but cynic as I am, I believe she can change, that it'll work out. That maybe when she gets back to the Motherland she'll clean herself up and get her life back on track.


Hmm, besides that, though, I've been trying to keep myself in a good mood, to keep the anxiety at bay. The last post helped me work out my feelings, a bit, and Mom helped, too.

It has sort of pushed me to get started with some of the stuff I've been putting off- building and inventing again. I finished building that workbench, and spent most of a paycheck on equipment. Signal Generators, HV Multipliers, N40 Neodymium Magnets, Oh My! I even got myself a labcoat.

Support United Nuclear! Write your representetives before they take away the garage inventing this country was built on!

Ok, I'm off the soapbox now.

Put some new images up. I got a surprising amount of requests for more Tied-Up pics. Almost makes me want to invest in some gear from bdsmtoybox.com, or something. I don't say much, but I have been craving a mouth gag. That Oral Fixation, again.


Kind of just a smorgsaboard of blog posts:

I saw the X-Men movie, and it was pretty cool. Even though none of the actors actually filmed out here in SF, (Welcome to the Digital Age) the visual of the Golden Gate Bridge being moved over to Alcatraz was neat.

Lately I've been relegated as Go-Between again in the great Mom and Dad face-off. I hate to say it, but more and more, I think Dad is losing is F'ing mind. Like, for real. The things he not only accuses Mom of, but actually believes, is incredible. It's like you couldn't even guess that he's known this women for almost thirty years. I've cognitively been aware of her for much less then that, and even I know it's outlandish.

Bah, well, we'll see where it goes.

I had a sorta weird experience today, with that Russian Girl. Did I even have a pseudo-name for her, or did I just call her that Russian Girl? *Checks Archives* AH, right, Erica. (If you're just joining us, the Erica Saga was Late 2005/Early 2006) She dropped my work today, and we chatted a bit.

I haven't seen her in a couple of months, turns out she's been in jail. Maybe it's the language barrier, but it sounded like she was told to go to a hotel room and wait for someone, and it turned out the room had a dead body (!) in it. The cops were already there, investigating and what not. Turns out she didn't have anything to do with the body, but she was arrested for Possesion.

Yeah, that's my girl.

So, she looks pretty good. Hopefully she's cleaned up a bit. We didn't talk much, she just wanted to tell me that she's developed "Hella Feelings" for me.

...What a coinkydink. She just showed up, and we chatted some more.

Anyway, so, it's tempting, because I did kinda like her. But on the other hand, I'm a pretty Chaos-free person. And she's something of a Chaos-Magnet, something I've learned needs to be avoided. So I spose I'll let her down gently.

Eesh, the perils of being a heart breakin' chick-magnet...

Ugh, well, I was in the shower the other day when I had a massive anxiety attack, but not the usual anxiety attack. I had never heard of the term, but I just knew what it was called right away and did some research on google after I calmed down: Death Anxiety.

I haven't had an attack of that since I was a kid, and usually it was when I was going to bed, or taking a shower. I'm not sure why the shower- maybe because it's like a damp, tiled tomb.

Basically, it's knowing, not just 'knowing', but knowing that no matter what scientific or medical advances the future brings, I will eventually cease to exist. That just like that dreaded dentist appointment or plane trip that seems so far away, time will pass, and it will eventually happen.

And I guess the anxiety stems from, not the fear of death itself, but the fact that I haven't accepted it yet. I've just learned to push the thought far, far away from my conscious thinking. Ignoring it, basically. And it works, to a degree, until it doesn't.

So Death isn't going anywhere, it's my perception that has to change in order to find peace. And I tell ya', right now that seems pretty impossible. Cynic that I am, I don't see any immortality in children, or my accomplishments. What did Woody Allen say? "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to do it by not dying."

What does anything really matter, anyway? Really. I mean, we're one little micro speck on the edge of one little galaxy, just one of a hundred billion others, each with a hundred billion other stars.

And eventually each light will go out, and, thanks to the Second Law of Thermodynamics, energy will be so spread out across the universe that matter won't even exist anymore. There might be hope, though, in the form of a 'Cyclic Universe' I was reading about, that says the universe goes through cycles of crushes and expansions. Though fat lot of good that does me.

I was also reading that underneath the quantum randomness, there might actually be an underlying order to evertyhing. And so some math geeks proved that if that were true, than everything is predetermined. That free-will doesn't exist.

Hmm, maybe I'm a little too smart for my own good.

But anyway, worse case scenario- the universe will come to an end, and everything is predetermined from start to finish. What's the point, then? Why does it matter? Why does ANYTHING matter?


Ooh boy, hehe. I had one of those moments there, where I was laughing uncontrollably for a good ten minutes. Like, laughing so hard I cried. What a sight.

Maybe that's my answer, right there. What DOES it matter? Why does it HAVE to matter?

See, blogs really are good psychotherapy.

I think not existing is pretty scary, but I suppose it's better then some of the alternatives.

In the end, I know it's impossible to live forever, and I really wouldn't want to. I guess I'd just like to live long enough to not want to live anymore, though I'd be hard pressed to actually come up with a ballpark age.

So, I'll just take comfort in that: "It doesn't matta'!"


Oof, had to rest for a sec.

The night I was getting thrown out of the apartment, I just sort of threw a years worth of surplus a few bags and boxes and hauled it off to the hotel. Finally, I've started going through it all, seperating the junk out, getting it boxed up and ready to be hauled off.

I was surprised, though, by the wave of emotion that started sweeping through me. I actually laid down and cried for a bit.

It's just junk, trash. An old jar of instant coffee, some newspapers with half-done sudoku puzzles, lot of old CD's, mostly ones that aren't even mine, etc. So I'm not sure what the big deal is. Though, I was digging through the stuff I'm not planning to throw out, so maybe it triggered something in my brain, all those objects being tied to memories, all being activated at once.

It's a tough feeling to describe, sort of like anxiety. Kind of like how I felt when I hugged the family goodbye and boarded that jet plane.

That's kind of depressing to think about, too. How the family has split up, how the environment I grew up in doesn't even exist anymore.

Ugh, well, I don't know where I'm going with this. Just needed to vent.

Now, to haul this junk away...

Ever since I finished that Red Thunder book I've been reading almost non-stop now, just like when I was younger. It's been years since I just layed down with a book and let a few hours go by.

I just finished the sequel to Red Thunder, and now I'm onto some stuff by Harry Turtledove.

Well, nothing much going on. Just forcing myself to post a little more frequently, so two weeks don't just disappear again.

So, even though it's a longshot, I signed up over Innocentive.com after reading about it in Wired magazine. I remember hearing about it years ago, and I thought it was neat. But now, heck, I'm building a lab anyway. Might as well take a shot at solving a ten thousand dollar challenge every now and then.

And yeah, I'll keep buying those lotto tickets, too.


Time flies.

Let's see... Lately things have been alright, though a few punctuations of drama have encroached themselves upon me as of late. There's this employee who's acting like a fifteen year old, overreacting and dramatizing every little thing, dragging personal business into work. I may have to let her go.

Eesh, I never thought I'd find myself in that kind of position. I'm "The Man." Bah.

Then I've got "Amy." We see each other rarely, and each time I imagine myself making some sort of speech, or statement. Something to express my negative sentiments. It's hard, though, because it almost feels like I'm about to kick a puppy. Sure, that soft exterior may just be an illusion, one that I've seen shattered on a couple of occasions.

Mainly though, I just don't think it would actually do anything. Most likely, we'll just completly cut contact. And I don't know, it is nice to talk to someone besides myself or the Hotel Crazies. There was a time when she was my best friend. And sometimes, despite what she did, I think that she feels the same way.

I guess that's part of the illusion, too.

But at any rate, maybe we're not as close as we once were. Maybe we can't be. Despite my feelings on the subject, objectively, I know the distance is a good thing. The fact is, we're almost exactly alike.

Same birthdays, her middle name is my dad's name and mine is her moms name, same birthmark, same same same...

And maybe if I'd been born a "Hot Chick", and I developed that whole Princess Metality, I might have exploded the same way she did when she threw me out.

Suffice to say I can get pretty vindictive myself.

Well, I still think everything worked out for the best. I'm in a good place in my life, financially at least, and I'm using a bit of my next few paychecks to finally build that little invention that's been bouncing around in my head since Second Grade.

I'm looking forward to building my little lab, piece by piece. I'll post some pics when it's finished.

And speaking of pics, those were updated about a week ago. Sometimes I find myself wondering who the Hell that person in the photos are. It certaintly can't be me. My cellphone must have some sort of Magic lens on it.

So I'll end this here, and get back to my new favorite song that's helping to lift my spirits, "Broken One." I fell across it on this girl's MySpace profile.


It was a pretty nice day to have off. Sunny and warm, the perfect Lazy Sunday. I did the usual, just walked around, went to the bookstore, read some magazines. Most of my reading as of late has been digital, off my PDA. There's something about carrying a dozen books around in your pocket that strikes me as really cool. Right now I'm reading 1984, something I never got around to.

But I did pick up a real life paperback today, called Red Thunder by John Varley, which has been great so far.

Also, somewhat on the spur of the moment, I've decided I want to know how to knit, so I bought some supplies and have been teaching myself through various internet guides. Why knit? I don't know, I can't explain half my impulses.

Anyhoo, I've come to the realization that I enjoy being single. Spending most of my life alone, I rember the lonliness. The depression. I had yearned for contact and love. And then I got it in spades, all compressed in a couple of years. Well, contact anyway, not sure about requited love.

And now, ironically, I feel relieved not having someone around all the time, not having to try so hard to please someone. Other people are trouble, anyway. So, I walk around whistling a tune (Well, I pretend to whistle, since I can't) and revel in the solitude.

And now, to get back to my "Cast on's".


Eesh, it's been awhile again. There's just not much going on. Everything's pretty stable.

Yesterday was my day off, so I did the usual, went to the bookstore and all that. It was still early after that wrapped up, and I didn't quite feel like going home yet, so I started walking. Walked up Market to the Ferry Building, followed the Embarcadero, hung out at Pier 39 for all of five minutes, and kept walking up past Fort Mason before finally heading south again for Downtown.

It was fairly pointless, but it was nice breaking away from routine for a bit.

I was also waiting from a call from dad. His mom was in San Jose for a wedding and she was thinking about dropping by to see me in SF. Now I know my grandma almost as well as I know Dad, and I knew the chances of her actually doing that were nil, at best.

Turns out I was right. I mean, the woman's rich enough to fly anywhere in the world whenever she wants too, which is often, what with all the art she collects from far flung locales. She could have seen me anytime in the last two years, and just because she's a couple of hours away doesn't change much. Out of sight, out of mind.

Dad DID call about a loan, though. Course, he still hasn't paid off the last one, but he's family, you know?

In other news...

Hmm, I haven't mentioned that I'm seen 'Amy' a few times since she threw me out. The first couple of times it was just annoying, pretending to be friendly while not mentioning the pink elephant in the room, the fact that she's pretending like everything is fine, we're great friends even though she threw me out on the street in the middle of the night.

I got a little vindictive, yes, hinting at how living at the hotel has helped out my working life. I'm getting paid more to be on-call, being the bosses right-hand 'person', and living rent free. So job wise, it was actually beneficial.

But still, I hold a grudge for awhile. It's the principle of the matter! Jeez, after everything, she could have given me a couple of days, or until the morning, at least. But noooooo, it's really no big deal, everything's fiiiiiiiiine. She sends me text messages at night saying how much she misses me and cares about me, or wishing be a good night, or a Happy Friday, whatever that is.

She invited me out for coffee the other day, and it was just like the 'old days'. It kinda made me sick, how I felt my grudge slipping a little when I saw that smile. At least when she hugged me later, wrapping her arms around my waist, pressing her cheek against my somewhat flat chest, I didn't quite return it, keeping my arms from finding the smoothness of her back.

Sure, you can only care anger for so long before it becomes rather pointless and a little sad. I'm not quite sure what I'm waiting for. An apology? Maybe, but it doesn't quite feel right. Something I can't put my finger on...

Anyway, I'm running late for work.


Ugh, well that was no fun. My throat was killing me, for awhile. Everytime I swallowed it felt like I was deepthroating a steak knife. Eventually, the pain subsided somewhat, and it only felt like my throat had sustained third degree burns.

The whole time I felt weak and delirious, alternating between burning up and freezing. Some days, I'd fall asleep right after work at 5pm and wake up the next morning at 6.

Good times. But I seem to be all better now, and I didn't even take antibiotics.

Not that I could, anyway. No insurance. Though I did order some online, in case there's a next time. Be Prepared, and all that.


Ha, that's great! Once again, the latest strip from Penny Arcade sums it up nicely.

What's not so great, is it turns out I probably don't have the flu. According to Mom, after I described the symptons, she said it sounded like Strep Throat. Something I haven't gotten since I was a kid.

You'd think quitting smoking (again) would benefit that area somewhat. One would think so, anyway. Then again, this world has never made much sense to begin with.


The day started off well, sort of, but started going rapidly downhill around 6pm. But before that, as I went about enjoying my day, I was thinking about how I'd sum it up in a blog. Though I feel like shit, I'll try to muster up some enthusiasm.

I was a little sluggish in the morning, but it was my first day off in over a month, so I thought I'd make the best of it. After I delt with a little work and family related crap, I finally got out around 11am. Having some overdue books, I headed for the library. There, I got sidetracked by a parade getting ready to begin. I realized this was the last day of the Cherry Blossom Festival, and some of the marchers included cosplayers. Hundreds of em'.

That was pretty cool. In my younger days, I think I made a pretty good girl-type Ranma. In my mind, anyway.

So I followed that up to Japantown, realized I hadn't had some sushi for a while, and then balked at the huge crowd and left. I happened to run into the parade again, this time the bystanders were relativly bare, and saw our unbelievably cute Mayor Gavin Newsom waving at the crowd from the back of the Monopoly car. And though I wasn't wearing my glasses,when we made eye contact I could swear he winked at me. [Insert "I'll be his intern any day" type joke here.]

After that I passed an AMC and bit the bullet, deciding to see Silent Hill despite the horrid reviews. I wouldn't say it was excruciating, per se. Alone in the Dark was much, much worst. But it was still pretty awful.

Speaking of video game movies, turns out they're making another Tomb Raider movie. And speaking of Tomb Raider, the newest game, Tomb Raider: Legends, is the first one I actually finished. That might surprise some, as there was a time when I was fairly vocal about my Lara Croft obsession. Heck, that's why I called myself Lara in the first place.

So anyhoo, I beat the game and am now trying to collect all the medals. Nice to see the new development house did a good job.

So where was I? Ah, so now it's past 5pm (A movie that awful has no right being 125 minutes long) and the slight body aches I had when I woke up were starting to get worse, and I could tell I was developing a fever. Bodaches + Sore throat + Fever = Flu.

I suppose I'm lucky. This, plus some dizziness, is usually about it in terms of symptoms, and it usually passes in a couple of days. So even though I was feeling bad, I still wanted to finish my shopping trip that got cut short last time from the store catching on fire, or whatever happened.

Got some new shoes (One inch heel- Oooh, Daring.) and some jeans, and a little spring overcoat, and finally headed home, only to be greeted by more work shit as soon as I walked through the door. People had to be evicted, rent needed to be collected, schedules had to be adjusted. I spent an hour doing that, than I started to really feel bad, so I'm taking a sick day tomorrow. Something I've never done, by the way.

Even at the restaurant I used to work at, the boss called me up in the AM, asking me to come in. I told him I wasn't feeling well (Read: Extremly bad hangover) but hearing the dissapointment in the managers voice, I mustered up a facade of health and went in. And the guy still treated me like dirt. Fucking Prick. (I wrote more about him in the Sidekick Blog)

Fucking prick. I found out he was fired a few months ago, too. Fucker.

So, uh, yeah, I figured a genuine two day weekend might be in order to recharge the batteries. Like I said, I COULD go in, but I've been working so much overtime, it won't really effect my paycheck that much. Which in the end, it all that matters.

This Life Lesson brought to you by the letter F. I'm going to go collapse, now.

P.S. Added some pics of the parade to flickr, but that's all. I look even shittier when I'm sick.


Ugh, has it really been a week since my last post? I must exist in a quantum state- Time has grounded to a halt, yet it's flying by.

Today was one of those Bad Days that could have been a lot worse, but were still long and stressful, and the knowledge that it could have been worse does little to lighten your mood.

It wasn't anything major in particular, just a lot of little things adding up. I've been working overtime almost every day, plus I haven't had a day off in over a month. The Elevator is busted so I had to take the stairs everytime I needed to check a rooom, which is a lot. Stuff like that.

Than after work, I thought I'd relax by doing some shopping. I go into the changing room and everythings fine, I come out, and the freakin' building is filling up with smoke and they're evacuating everyone.

Far as I know, no one was hurt.

Then my cell rings, and it's my work telling me I gotta come back and work another shift at 8PM. Soon after, my cellphone gets turned off, even though I paid the fucking thing already.

So, here I am, trying to enjoy the hour before I go back to work. What a fucking day.

Well, at least I wasn't burnt to a crisp, or buried alive in an earthquake.

So, you know...it could have been worse.

*rolls eyes*


I'm a pretty boring dresser. At work, usually black slacks and a button blouse, and after, jeans and a t-shirt. I'm just mentioning this because I took some more photos, this time in a denim skirt a girlfriend gave me that I've never worked up the nerve to wear outside. Makes me look even more like an amazon, as it only goes to mid-thigh. There's a reason I prefer jeans and calf-length dresses, and it's not just comfort.

Once I buy that new camera, I'm looking forward to taking some pics around the city, maybe kicking back all casual-like at my favorite hang-out places, restaurants, and such. I think that would be cool, seeing how all the photos I've posted for the last six years seem to be inside shots of me frozen in the headlights, so to speak. Heh, though being inside does make it easier to control lighting, angles, etc.

Smoke and mirrors, my friends, smoke and mirrors...


Work sucks. That's a given, I suppose, otherwise it wouldn't be work. It would be fun, which is much easier on the tongue. A new employee has been flaking out on us, and I've had to rearrange schedules at the last moment. With most of the others on vacation, that really only leaves me to pick up the slack. I haven't had a single freakin' day off in three weeks now. And worse, I was expecting those days off, only to have it snached away at the last moment.

That's always the worse.


Back, back, waaaaay back. Back before 'The Transition Project', there was 'Lara's Page for Transgendered Teens' which I started around February, 2000. It was hosted on gurlpages, and the site has long been down.

On a whim, I decided to see if I could find it with Archive.org, and voila, there it was in all it's humiliating glory. Some of the pages are broken, including the Photos section, but what was there left a bad taste in my mouth.

Allow me to sum up the site:

"OMG, like, I use Wet n' Wild lip balm and Pond's Foaming Cleanser! Like, here's some Adventures I've had as Lara! I read about these make-up tips in a book so you should totally listen to me! Like, don't forget to email me! OMG, the new issues of Seventeen and CosmoGirl is out!"

Jesus Christ. I can't believe how smarmy and enthusiastic and...happy I was back then. Those were some of the worst years of my life. What the hell was I so happy about? It's enough to make me sick.

So it got me thinking- I had just turned seventeen, but reading that dribble, you'd think a twelve year old wrote it. And in a way, starting out on the long road of transition, I was like a twelve year old girl, just beginning to take the first steps toward womanhood.

I'm sure there's room for some sort of psychological analysis in there someplace.

But anyway, here it is- Don't forget the Vomit Bags:

Lara's Page for Transgendered Teens

So this whole picture business is actually kind of fun. Flickr makes it easy too, by being able to send the pics directly to my Flickr account via my cell. Heh, I was actually thinking about posting a couple of the pseudo dirty/kinky pics I took, though I hardly consider kissing a glow-in-the-dark dildo kinky, per se.

I've grown up a little since beginning this whole "Transition Project" thing, but I've usually kept the sexual side of things seperate. Though, I seem to recall mentioning in the Sidekick Blog an awakening desire to be tied up. I also hinted at a little self-bondage experimentation. Now that would make quite a picture, though that ground is well travelled, it seems: TranniesinTrouble.com

Ha, and people say I'm a prude. Course, it might come back to haunt me during my run for President...

Anyway, the point is that this blog is an extension of my life, and therefore has to grow with me. I'm not going to censor myself down to PG-13 for some imaginary Tween audience, so when the mood strikes me, heck, maybe I will get "kinky".

But don't expect 'H0tZ sH3MaLe pR0n!'.


At least, not for free.



On Photographs:

I am honestly surprised that I started getting email almost immediatly upon 'My Return'. It's nice knowing that I'm not just talking to myself. Most of it was the usual Welcome Back and Advice stuff, but a pretty big chunk have something particular on their minds- Pictures!

True, I haven't updated the pics for what, three years now? Well, there's a few good-to-me-but-not-really-that-good reasons. First off, besides my hair, I look almost exactly the same. Maybe a little thinner, too. Eesh, is that even possible? The power of Ramen...

Also, with all the moving I've lost my digital camera. Though, it's probably time to get another one anyway. For a "Kid of the Future" 1.3 megapixels just doesn't cut it. Next time, I'm going for at least 5. I'm looking into the Optio WP.

And finally, as long-time readers know, I'm just not comfortable with my appearance. I've always hated to see pictures of me, as I know better than anyone all my phsical faults, so they always leap out at me.

Which is why I had decided not to post any more pics till after I had my cosmetic surgery next year.

HAD, being the operative word. I DO have a cameraphone, and let's just say I was feeling a little frisky and I was having a RELATIVELY good-face day, so, one thing led to another, and a Photo Shoot was born.

These come courtesy of a FREE camera phone people, so don't expect quality. They're not all QUITE as blurry as this, though.

Just a teaser...