Put a gun in my mouth and paint the wall with my brains.

I've got to be depressed to start quoting 'Fight Club' again. And it's not because I just read my Mom's MySpace Profile, her pic showing off her new tatoo on her lower back. *shivers*

When it comes to relationships, it's always seems to be ups and downs. Mostly downs. Is that normal? No wonder I reluctantly prefer to be alone.

*Wandering through this darkness, I'm alive but I'm alone. Part of me is fighting this, but part of me is gone.*

Funny how you can listen to the same song a million times, and not really hear it, until you're in the right mindset.

So like I said, I like this girl, and was warming up to her. She called me up late yesterday and invited me to a movie. She's a horror junkie so we saw The Omen. (Brilliantly shot, great use of color, but god was the acting terrible.)

Then we stopped at Denny's to get some 'Food', made with genuine corrugated cardboard. It was about 3am at this point, so there wasn't much choice.

We talked alot, and I enjoyed getting to know her better. I guess the problem was in the physical aspects of things. I held her hand, but she didn't really hold it back, and every few minutes would let go to adjust her shoe and wouldn't reach out again.

Later, when we were about to part ways, I stepped closer, to prepare for a goodnight kiss, and she kind of stepped backwards and we hugged instead.

I mean, second date and no kiss? I thought I was a cold fish.

Now, I mean, from the above I would say she's not interested in a romantic relationship. And I could deal with that. She's a cool girl and I could settle for being friends.

But I'm confused. She works all the time, and doesn't have much time off, plus she has like a dozen friends she hangs out with.

So, why was she talking about meeting up with me on her very next day off? If she just wanted to be friends, why the time commitment? Why call me up to see a movie at 11pm right after she had a long day of work?

Now I'm too cynical to believe that I understand women just because I'm a m2f TG. There's a whole other dynamic at work. They've had a lifetime of estrogen crossing wires in their brain. I've only had five, so...

I don't know- maybe she's just not a 'touchy-feely' person, or maybe she's making me run an extra mile or two. (I thought I was done with the latter. Bah.)

So, we'll see what happens. Third times a charm. If I still get a No Go, I'll ask point blank, 'what's up'. Though, I'll probably stretch it out and use big words.

Because I'm a pretentious genius, and all.

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