Kind of just a smorgsaboard of blog posts:

I saw the X-Men movie, and it was pretty cool. Even though none of the actors actually filmed out here in SF, (Welcome to the Digital Age) the visual of the Golden Gate Bridge being moved over to Alcatraz was neat.

Lately I've been relegated as Go-Between again in the great Mom and Dad face-off. I hate to say it, but more and more, I think Dad is losing is F'ing mind. Like, for real. The things he not only accuses Mom of, but actually believes, is incredible. It's like you couldn't even guess that he's known this women for almost thirty years. I've cognitively been aware of her for much less then that, and even I know it's outlandish.

Bah, well, we'll see where it goes.

I had a sorta weird experience today, with that Russian Girl. Did I even have a pseudo-name for her, or did I just call her that Russian Girl? *Checks Archives* AH, right, Erica. (If you're just joining us, the Erica Saga was Late 2005/Early 2006) She dropped my work today, and we chatted a bit.

I haven't seen her in a couple of months, turns out she's been in jail. Maybe it's the language barrier, but it sounded like she was told to go to a hotel room and wait for someone, and it turned out the room had a dead body (!) in it. The cops were already there, investigating and what not. Turns out she didn't have anything to do with the body, but she was arrested for Possesion.

Yeah, that's my girl.

So, she looks pretty good. Hopefully she's cleaned up a bit. We didn't talk much, she just wanted to tell me that she's developed "Hella Feelings" for me.

...What a coinkydink. She just showed up, and we chatted some more.

Anyway, so, it's tempting, because I did kinda like her. But on the other hand, I'm a pretty Chaos-free person. And she's something of a Chaos-Magnet, something I've learned needs to be avoided. So I spose I'll let her down gently.

Eesh, the perils of being a heart breakin' chick-magnet...

Ugh, well, I was in the shower the other day when I had a massive anxiety attack, but not the usual anxiety attack. I had never heard of the term, but I just knew what it was called right away and did some research on google after I calmed down: Death Anxiety.

I haven't had an attack of that since I was a kid, and usually it was when I was going to bed, or taking a shower. I'm not sure why the shower- maybe because it's like a damp, tiled tomb.

Basically, it's knowing, not just 'knowing', but knowing that no matter what scientific or medical advances the future brings, I will eventually cease to exist. That just like that dreaded dentist appointment or plane trip that seems so far away, time will pass, and it will eventually happen.

And I guess the anxiety stems from, not the fear of death itself, but the fact that I haven't accepted it yet. I've just learned to push the thought far, far away from my conscious thinking. Ignoring it, basically. And it works, to a degree, until it doesn't.

So Death isn't going anywhere, it's my perception that has to change in order to find peace. And I tell ya', right now that seems pretty impossible. Cynic that I am, I don't see any immortality in children, or my accomplishments. What did Woody Allen say? "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to do it by not dying."

What does anything really matter, anyway? Really. I mean, we're one little micro speck on the edge of one little galaxy, just one of a hundred billion others, each with a hundred billion other stars.

And eventually each light will go out, and, thanks to the Second Law of Thermodynamics, energy will be so spread out across the universe that matter won't even exist anymore. There might be hope, though, in the form of a 'Cyclic Universe' I was reading about, that says the universe goes through cycles of crushes and expansions. Though fat lot of good that does me.

I was also reading that underneath the quantum randomness, there might actually be an underlying order to evertyhing. And so some math geeks proved that if that were true, than everything is predetermined. That free-will doesn't exist.

Hmm, maybe I'm a little too smart for my own good.

But anyway, worse case scenario- the universe will come to an end, and everything is predetermined from start to finish. What's the point, then? Why does it matter? Why does ANYTHING matter?


Ooh boy, hehe. I had one of those moments there, where I was laughing uncontrollably for a good ten minutes. Like, laughing so hard I cried. What a sight.

Maybe that's my answer, right there. What DOES it matter? Why does it HAVE to matter?

See, blogs really are good psychotherapy.

I think not existing is pretty scary, but I suppose it's better then some of the alternatives.

In the end, I know it's impossible to live forever, and I really wouldn't want to. I guess I'd just like to live long enough to not want to live anymore, though I'd be hard pressed to actually come up with a ballpark age.

So, I'll just take comfort in that: "It doesn't matta'!"

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