Being fulltime is scary enough when you’re in familiar surroundings. I can’t imagine what it will be like thousands of miles away. But nevertheless, this is how I planned it. Perhaps this will force me to grow a bigger backbone.

I’m not sure if I ever explained the specifics of the little trip I’m taking. I’ll be on the road for a while, but you can hardly spit nowadays without hitting a computer with an internet connection, so I expect to be able to update this site fairly frequently.

Though I’ll be traveling and eager to share my experiences, I’ll keep travel related topics to a minimum, focusing instead on what this site is actually supposed to be about- my transitional experiences. Granted, I’ve sort of strayed from that credo since the creation of this site.

Most people just want to hear about the TG stuff, and not my drunk ramblings or how stupid I think my ex-friend Mike is.

Well, that‘s how the site evolved, I guess, and I can’t imagine not adding those little personal touches. But to keep the site from becoming even more diluted with my no doubt sickenly enthusiastic travel experiences, I started a travelogue on another website. The link follows below and is also in the right column.

A Newbie’s Journey (Click the Table of Contents for past entries)

That should keep everything nice and separate, and save those who don’t care from having to sift through all that crap. But if for some reason you DO care, go ahead and Rate it. It will satisfy my narcissistic blood lust for yet another full moon…

So, wish me luck. Til’ next time!


Everything has been calm and smooth the last week. Almost TOO calm and smooth.

I have several quirks, I guess you can say. One of them is that I'm always waiting for something to go wrong, for the other shoe to drop.

My life has been defined by dissapointments, so I guess it's only natural for such an instinct to develop. However, I've been doing my best to suppress it.

I've been trying to get out a bit more, and have noticed a lot of stares, but the comments and snickers have been restricted to only 2 incidents not worth mentioning (Though I did anyway).

In the other Good News department, my passport came. Ahead of schedule, no less. *gasp*

As I said, so far its been smooth sailing. But I have been extremly busy the past couple of weeks taking care of all these little last minute details.

I'm hoping this pattern of everything working out will continue into Monday, because I'd hate for something detrimental to happen with the Starting Line so damn close.


Well I spent Thanksgiving with Dad's family. It was more uneventful than I thought it would be. I did end up drinking a little more than I had initially planned, but that shouldn't be too much of a surprise.

Many many moons ago, back before Project: Transition, back on my old 'site', I made a comment akin to: "We can put a man on the moon, but we haven't put timers on disposable cameras yet." Hehe, guess I was just ahead of my time. (Though that tripod looks kind of stupid...)


Oh, and as a little sidenote...

After almost three years since beginning this whole transitioning business, on November 25th I started living fulltime.

It's kind of silly attaching a date to it. I mean, fulltime is such a fluid concept. I'm not wearing makeup and skirts all the time, and don't plan to. All I can say is I've thrown away my guy voice and gave away a large portion of my old clothes.

I didn't announce it right away because I wanted a few days to just gauge my thoughts and feelings and not worry about summing it all up for a journal entry.

I'm happy, and I can say without a doubt that I'm glad I started on this road three years ago.

So far everyone's been supportive. My cousin said she liked my hair (I got a new cut recently- had some bangs and highlights added.) Aunt is cool, Dad's alright, grandparents...eh, well, they're not exactly for it but they understand it's my life.

I'd like to thank everyones continued support over the years, and all the wonderful emails. You helped me more than you may realize.

Of course, the transition isn't over yet. I'm not shuting down the site or anything, and will continue updating on a weekly basis (or so).

Tons more to do, but for now, the next year will be my little vacation. It'll be for experiencing the here and now without worrying about planning for the next steps.


Blah. I've really felt under the weather for the past week or so, but I think I'm starting to get better. Woke up this morning feeling relativly refreshed.

I finally got that damn Birth Certificate. The office I picked it up at seemed to be a transsexual mecca, though I wasn't surprised.

The certificate had my new name, to boot. It's a very cool feeling;- almost like I was 'born again'. Course, there's still that pesky 'M', but that'll get changed soon enough.

And now I just need to get that Passport. Cutting it awfully close...


There was a series of "80's Strike Back" specials on VH1, and I was disgusted that I actually remembered most of the stuff they showed.

God I'm old.

Not doing much tonight, just playing around with Microsoft Word. And unfortunatly I will never be a writer.

The idea is always so much better than what I can put on paper, my subpar skills just don't do them any justice. Not that they really deserve any in the first place.

Why am I talking about this? What am I doing?

Blah, I'm in one of Those Moods again. But I'm not drunk, thank you very much. I've been very good lately. Clean and sober for weeks now.

I don't have a problem.

Can you believe what people are naming their children nowadays?

Reading that prompted me to wonder what I'd like to name my kids. And then I remember I'm not having any. And than I was thinking 'Why not?'

I don't want, and can't, father any kids myself, but maybe someday in the far, far future when I've settled down I might adopt. If I even can. I'm not sure how that whole process works.

lol, yeah, I'd make a GREAT parent... Someone would have to be crazy to give me a kid.

K, moving on- I've discovered a new hobby: Cycling and bike maintenance, of all things. At first the bike was just a cheap means to an end, but I actually enjoy fixing the thing up.

So what sparked this meaningless entry about nothing? Not sure. I think I'm just typing for the sake of typing, probably as a way to reduce anxiety.

Now, I'm not having an anxiety attack, I'm just feeling the normal butterflies. Except these are mutant, killer butterflies. With laser guns.

Fulltime is a pretty big deal, and it can get nerve-racking when you realize exactly what that means. What it entails. It's a major life changing event, when you exchange your social role. Sure, the old one's unwanted, but at least it's familiar.

And the number one cause of fear is the unfamiliar, the unknown.

Plus, I've planned a world trip around this?

Yeah, I'm a little nervous. No, I don't know what I'm doing- I lost the manual. Yes, I'm still going through with everything. A good part of this antsy feeling is good ole' fashion excitement.

Assuming everything doesn't come crashing down, I'm looking forward to see what the next year holds.


I called about my Birth Certificate in mid-October, and was told the same thing as the last time I called- It takes 6-8 weeks for processing.

Technically that time was up Oct. 28th, but I let it go 'til Nov 3rd before calling again.

I was than informed that the certificate was ready a month ago, but they couldn't send it without getting a copy of my Name Change Order.

*blink* And they couldn't have sent a letter or told me this when I called before?! Damn bureaucracy!

Fortunatly though, it's not that big of a problem. I just have to go to the court house to pick up a copy, and then drive it down to the Department of Records (2 hours away...) and they'll give me the certificate on the spot.

So I should have all that done by next week. I was getting stressed out because I have a non-refundable plane ticket for Dec. 15th, but it looks like things are starting to get back on track.

Stereotypes are curious entities. It's fascinating how the human brain automatically Assumes and Categorizes, but it sure can get annoying.

Like when Grandpa was telling me that he watched 'Chicago' on TV last week. He didn't care for it, but he was sure I "Thoroughly enjoyed it."

I haven't even SEEN 'Chicago', and at any rate I'm not a big fan of musicals.

And the other day Dad asked if I could use my talents in home decoration to help spice up his house.

WHAT talent? I don't know the first thing about any of that crap.

I was expecting it, so I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. I guess it's because I'm going through a lot of trouble to dig out the real person inside of me, and no one seems to want to get to know her. If they did they'd see she's still mostly me.

Well, it could be worse. It's not really that big of a deal. Just thought I'd mention it.


Arg. I just spent an hour penning a new entry and the damn things crashes. Blah. I'm spent. I'll update later.


'm pretty sure Dad knows about this site- a few days ago he said something that might have been quoting a part of one of my entries.

Speaking of Dad, I'm not sure where he stands on my transition. Mom said he thinks it's just a phase, but I'm not so sure. Well, I'm not sure about anything when it comes to him.

He told me the other day that when he calls me 'son', he doesn't mean it literally. It's kind of like a 'nick name' for me, and he didn't want me taking offense. Even though I didn't really care, I suppose it was still a somewhat nice gesture to at least acknowledge it.

He's also called me missy a few times. I'm still looking into the Sarcasm Factor...


Well I'm back, and I'm happy to report that 17 hours in a car with Dad wasn't nearly as agonizingly painful as I thought it might be. Probably because I tried to sleep for most of the ride.

I really didn't do much in Florida. Most of the time I was just hanging out with family.

While we were there, my Dad got the news that his best friend's dad had just died. Dad and Fred met in California, and kept in contact after we moved. Dad's probably going to fly out to meet him this weekend. He invited me along but I have a bunch of stuff to take care of here.

I can't believe full-time is only a month away. I just don't want to put it off anymore- it'll take about a year before I can get all the cosmetic surgery I need. Besides, even though I'm 'ugly as fuck' I still get ma'amed more than half the time, which isn't so bad.

I used to think full-time was some sort of magical barrier, but now I see that's not the case. It's just something that happened so slowly that by the time I'm ready to declare "Hey, I'm full-time" all I'll have to do is use my 'girl voice' and loosen up my mannerisms a bit.

Clothes-wise, I'm not going to be wearing dresses or heels too much. I think the only 'dramatic' change will be switching to tank tops and maybe wearing a bit more makeup.

Eesh, I'm such a tomboy.


Ugh, had to get a new guestbook. (I saved the entries to disk, though)

My brother Brandon didn't go to Florida with Mom. Him and my other brother fight constantly, so Mom thought it would be best to seperate them. Brandon will go down later when Dad Uhauls the rest of Mom's stuff down to her.

Dad invited me on the little trip, but I hesitated. I didn't want another California fiasco. But I eventually relented. After all, with all the bridges I've been burning I could use some time away.

Heh, I've travelled more these last few months than my entire life.

Anyhoo, this trip to Florida doth not bode well. Dad and I started arguing right after he picked me up. He has a new motto lately- "It's not all about Blake."

I could take that from anyone else, but coming from him, it's total hypocritical bullshit! EVERYTHING is ALWAYS about HIM! I put up with it for a while, but after he went off and said I should be an 'Internalist, not an Externalist' and I should think about others for a change I brought up the whole credit card thing; I lent him two credit cards to fix his car and I ended up with $1000 worth of Cigar and Restaurant bills.

He actually said those expenditures were taken 'Out of context' and I should 'Stop seeing things in Black and White' ARRGGG! That man drives me crazy.

BUT I'll just have to put up with it. It'll be nice to see the family one last time.

I've since left that house. For totally un-ghostly related reasons. I'm now staying in yet another temporary residence, counting down the days til' that Birth Certificate arrives.

Heh, I'm at a very low point in my life right now. The only thing that's getting me through it is the sobering thought 'It could always be worse.' I hope not, though. I don't think I could take much more.


Yeah, I'm a bit freaked right now. I think this house is haunted.

The setting is certaintly right. This is a huge, old house in the middle of the woods, where the neighbors are far apart and the only major road miles away.

It started the other night. A few minutes after I turned off the lights and got into bed there was a knock on my room door. *knock-knock* That was strange, I thought, since the people I'm staying with were long asleep. I got up and there was another one *knock-knock-knock* I opened the door and, of course, no one was there and the hallway was dark and empty.

So that was a little freaky. I tried to lay down again, but my imagination kept getting the best of me so I opened the door and turned some lights on before trying again to get some sleep. About ten minutes later I hear some clicks, and I open my eyes to see that the room door is closed and all the closet doors are open. OOOOKKKKAAAAAYYYY. I grabbed my blanket and spent a restless night on the couch downstairs, with all the lights on.

The next morning I talked to the owners, and they said that it wasn't haunted as far as they knew. They did mention that small items are always getting misplaced, but hey, they're old.

I wasn't even going to mention any of this. After all, it was late, I could have been dreaming- maybe the house is built on some sort of micro-fault line that occasionally produces the odd sound and doors opening and closing.

But a few minutes ago, (alone in the house) I was looking over my map and caught some movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked up and saw a flash of a long bluish dress and a sandled foot dissapear around the corner, like someone had just walked by. I jumped up and ran around the corner but again, no one was there.

Maybe I'm just imagining all this, but it certaintly seems real enough. Are those footsteps I'm hearing upstairs right now just in my head? I don't know. But at any rate I'll be glad to be out of here in a month. Haunted houses and true ghost stories are great to read about or watch on some special, but I'd rather not live it.


I've been playing around with my hair, experimenting with different looks. I was never very good at styling it, so I have a lot to learn. It's also a bit difficult without things like a round brush or a variety of styling products.

But I can always improvise, I suppose.

Well Mom's going to Florida in two days. At first I was going to go down there with her for a week or so to help her move in, but realistically there won't be any room in the car for me.

So as a last get-together, we went out to eat and did some shopping.

I'm going to miss all of them, but sooner or later you just have to let em' go, ya know? :)


Ugh, can't believe I'm back home already.

So my train ride to Boston was 9 hours long. I could have just taken a plane, but I wanted to be able to watch the scenery change the farther I travelled.

I wasn't dissapointed either. I saw the New York City skyline for the first time, and I had no idea the Rhode Island coast was so beautiful.

I arrived at 7:45pm. At first, it was a bit overwhelming standing in the middle of the city at night, with no idea where I was. But I just spent a few bucks on a map and headed for the nearest youth hostel.

Checking in was a simple affair and I soon had a bed. A top-bunk in a room with 2 other bunk beds. I opted to go for a mixed dorm instead of a private room so I could meet more people.

And I got my wish. Over the course of the next few days I met scads of people. Mostly european, but a few from south-east Asia as well. And just a footnote, I couldn't believe how many hotties (Guys and Girls alike) were staying there.

The next day, I spent the day walking around the immediate area so I could familiarize myself with it. I stopped in the Boston Public Library, which was absolutely huge, and then did a bit of shopping at the Prudential Center.

That evening I went with a bunch from the hostel to a local comedy club. It wasn't a very crowded show,but the acts were fantastic. After the show, a couple from the group and I made plans to go on a whale watching tour the next day.

I wasn't expecting much from that trip, maybe a good view of the coast. But sure enough, we were about an hour out at sea when the first Humpback made its appearance, raising it's tail in the air and everything.

After those left, we followed a Fin Whale for a bit, which showed us its flipper; a rare occurence according to the naturalist on board.

When we got back we split up, as I wanted to check out the Aquarium. I found out it would close in an hour though, so instead I walked around some more and found myself on Newbury St, kind of like New York's Fifth Ave.

Seeing a hair styling shop, I decided it was now or never and went in, chopping off a good deal of hair. I was going to go even shorter, but lost my nerve halfway through and decided to just leave it at chin length.

I think it looks pretty good.

That night, I met up with the same group from the Comedy Club and we checked out the Museum of Fine Arts. I spent hours walking the building; there was just so much to see.

On Thursday, my last full day in Beantown, I started the morning by going to the New England Aquarium. Not only was the giant central tank really cool, there was a trained California Seal named Tyler who was amazing and gave the coolest show. I wished my sisters were there; they would have loved it.

That afternoon I spent the day walking around the entire city. I went through Chinatown and the business district, and the huge park in the middle of it all.

I took in a bit to eat at a local place and got to bed early, since my train left at 6:30am the next morning.

The train ride was pretty uneventful. It was soldout so every seat was filled, and I was sitting next to a pretty girl I started chatting with. About that time the ticket collector came and ma'amed me, and the girl giggled her head off. Cool and embarassing, all at the same time.

And now here I am, back at 'home' and all ready to get back out again.


Well The Tracks have taken me to Boston, MA. And I must say, so far I'm loving this town. So much so that I'm not planning on coming back 'till Friday.

I'm staying in a little Hostel dorm and have been living pretty comfortably.

I'll go into details when I get home. Internet Access doesn't come cheap here.


Yay, got power back!

I was going to just head down to Richmond to pick up my birth certificate, until I found out where it is and what's the delay: It's in bureaucratic limbo down at the place that handles name changes on the certificate. They said I should get it six to eight weeks from when they received it, which at the "latest" would be November 2nd. And that's caused a bunch of problems that I've been stressing over.

I had already set this weekend aside for going to Richmond, but since going would be pointless I figured I might as well go somewhere and clear my head. I'm not sure exactly where, though. I guess I can just go down to the train station and buy a round-trip ticket with what I can afford.

I've never done anything like that before- might be fun. This town sure is different than back home, but I guess I just get sick of being in one place for too long.

Hmm, I guess I'm going to have to get over that eventually.

But anyhoo, let's see where the tracks lead me...


Well Isabel has come and gone, leaving us without power. No water either, since it's wellwater and the pumps are electric.

It seems the power's back on everywhere else though, so finding a working computer was an easy task. It's a Mac, though. Bleh. (No offense)

Healthwise, I guess I'm sort of ok. During the day I'm mostly good. I should see a cardiologist, but the whole No Insurance thing makes it difficult.

But I'm not worried. Actually I've been pretty calm lately. Things are progressing nicely and I'm looking forward to the near future. If all goes as planned, I should be full-time By November and outta here soon after.


Ack, my email account was full. I deleted a bunch of old email a couple of days ago but I forgot to empty the trash. Stupid me.

I don't want to, I can't afford it, I hate going, but it looks like I'm going to have to see a doctor. Maybe the Emergency Room. I don't know. It can't be good that I keep blacking out. I guess I'm just one of those people that think they'll eventually get better and there's no need to waste money.

I really don't need this. It would really suck to die when things are going so good.


Just came across this persons site, and have been entralled by life at X Pharmacy. lol, I'm weird...


Read through the guestbook entries-

1. Dragon*Con was pretty fun, but nothing of note happened to me. Well, that I feel like writing about anyway.

2. Hmm, I WAS thinking about getting a tatoo eventually. Still thinking about what and where though.

3. And finally, someone who agrees with the pessimistic little voice in my head. Thanks Ben!

Ooh, been awhile.

Aside from the outside work, as the resident 'electronic expert' here I've been enlisted to fix the
numerous appliances that are constantly breaking down.

Most of them have been relativly simple repairs, but when the computer stopped working I cracked it open and found that a few dozen cockroaches had taken over inside, completly frying everything.

Well it took a few days, but I was able to Macguyver a solution with bubble gum and toothpicks, so here I am.

Mike sent me an email completly out of the blue. Wanted to tell me that he was joining the military so he could rejoice in never having to see me again. I wasn't planning on seeing him again anyway, but well good luck.

He also wanted to gloat that he wasn't a virgin anymore.

And this just in, Hell has frozen over.

Since my last entry I finally and definativly, with no doubt, have decided what career I am going to
pursue. I never pictured myself doing it, but ever since I thought of it I can't get it out of my head.
Usually I change my mind by the second day or so.

I won't reveal what I've decided on yet. In the extraordinaraly improbable event that I DO change my
mind, I don't want to look like a dummy. Well, not anymore than I already do.

Bought my first pair of heels yesterday. My shoe collection was always small, and up til' yesterday was non-existant as
I got rid of them during the move. It was only a pair of sandles and a pair of powder blue sneakers. I'm not much of a 'shoe person', and would just as well wear one pair for every occasion. OOoh, how guyish of me.

Of course, I'll be leaving them behind when I go so I have no idea why I bought them. But they were actually in my size, which is always a rare event. I suppose I could use the practice walking in the darn things.


God, I hate AOL.

Past time to do something with my hair. What's the point of long hair if I'm just keeping it in a hair tie all the time? I'm not exactly sure when I'll have it done, but it'll be soon. I was thinking of maybe going the short route.

Anyhoo, I've been having a pretty good time here. I have a cozy little room and plenty of reading material. I've been spending my mornings paying my way by helping out with the gardening. Well, rebuilding it would be the proper term. It's been neglected for years, so there's alot to be cleaned up first.

My afternoons are usually spent reading and writing.

I've also been thinking alot about what I'm going to major in. Even last year I thought I'd be perfectly at home in some research lab devoid of all contact, but that has become more and more unappealing. Lately I've been wondering if I'd be happier doing something with more direct human interaction.

That's kind of strange, coming from me, but I can definatly tell that I've been changing alot this last year. Youth entails possibilities, and maybe I'm just now starting to really see them.

Very exciting. There's kind of a charge in the air.


Ah, so there IS a computer here. Dialup, so with all the important calls coming through here I can only try getting online in the late evening. Which is good. I reallly don't want to spend all my time glued to this thing. Free from the influence of broadband, I actually got a few things done that I had been meaning to take care of for a while now.

I'm still planning on keeping my internet usage down to a couple of times a week.

In other news, I talked to my therapist and she said she'd send my doctor the Letter. All I have to do is sign a Release Form that she faxed to Mom's office. I should be able to sign it on Monday, get it faxed back on Tuesday, and than my doctor should receive the letter by Wednesday. Than things will finally start happening.

Let's see, what else is going on... Hmm, well, not much. I started reading Trans-Sister Radio. I had started it a few months ago, but lost it, and just found it again recently as I was packing. It's been great so far, I recommend it. (*Receives check under door*)

Lately I've found that since things are constantly changing, it's best to just adopt a 'It'll all work out eventually' attitude. I should have done it years ago; could have saved me a lot of anxiety.


I don't know how Mom did it, but she seems to have convinced Dad to move to Florida. She couldn't move anywhere he didn't want ta' go to, which is why she was looking into the Washington and California area. But she'd much rather live in Florida so she could be close to her Mother and sisters.

For the last few weeks she's been easing Dad into the idea of Florida. And apparently they're all going down there soon to check out the Tampa area. Crossing my fingers that he'll like it...

Tonights my last night here. I'll be moving into that spare room a few counties away tomorrow, and there's still so much planning to be done. I was planning on leaving the country late-October. After that, the discount I was going to use for my plane ticket expires and it'll be twice as much. I doubt I'll be able to make that date, so I've had to factor the extra costs into my budget.

But it's a small price to pay. I am so grateful for Mom's gift that I can barely express it in words.

Planning is all I can really do though. My new birth certificate hasn't come in yet, so I can't get my passport.

Plus, my plastic surgeon requires his TG patients to bring in a letter from their therapists that says they've been diagnosed as transsexual. I hadn't heard of that before for a fairly common cosmetic procedure, but whatever.

I'll call my therapist to see if she could just Fax the letter directy, but she might want to schedule an appointment with me since it's been awhile. And since she just got back from vacation, she's probably booked for a the next couple of weeks.

As soon as I get that letter I can move forward and schedule a surgery date.

Anyway, I'm all packed. Most of my stuff has been boxed away in storage. All I'll be bringing with me is a backpack and a small Xerox box filled with some stuff to tide me over for the next couple of months.

My Palm m125 finally broke down on me today, and is now totally FUBAR. (*cries* I loved that thing...) And I won't be taking my computer. So I'll have plenty of time and no excuses not to learn that foreign language, or memorize those damn math formulas. Plus there's a bunch of books I've been meaning to read.

Yup, the next couple of months are going to be very intellectual.

Of course, No Computer also means I'm not sure how often I'll be able to update this thing. I doubt I'll be able to immediatly post every thought that enters my head. (Yay! No more drunk ramblings!) Maybe around once a week or so.


GOOD GRAVY that's embarassing! A couple of years ago, when I was absolutely convinced I only had days left to live, I wrote a letter intended to be read upon my passing by close family. Hehe, I sort of got carried away, to the point where the letter wasn't fit for ANYONE to read.

Let's just say that my sexual frustration is described somewhere within it's depths, along with a host of other personal revelations that only come to light when you're slightly liquered up, in the midst of an anxiety attack, during a fit of depression. Well I saved it and promptly forgot about it.

Years later, I opened up Kazaa today to get a few files. A few hours later, I have just checked it to see if they were finished downloading.

Imagine my surprise when I noticed the Uploaded Files area, where I saw that a complete stranger had downloaded the letter.

Boy, is my face red...

ohmygod. You know, life sure is funny sometimes. You can decide anything you want, plan it, prepare for it, and than in an instant everything changes. Like this trip. It's a dream of mine, yes. But as I mentioned before, I'm also running.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is the trip will have to be delayed a bit.

Because with the money earned from selling the home, Mom has offered to help pay for my cosmetic surgery.

I can't believe it.

On the one hand I'm thrilled, of course. This is a giant step closer to where I want to be. But on the other hand, I feel so guilty for her having to spend that much money on me.

There was one aspect of my trip that I didn't mention. I found a college I want to go to overseas, which will be the final destination of my trip. I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone- Travel and College. So this trip will still happen, because I really want to get out of the whole community college stuff and get off to a good school.

At least now I'll be doing it the way I want.


Yes, I AM on a self-destructive path. Thanks for asking.

K, a little nap fixed me right up. Let's hear it for the Liver, yeah!

Seriously though, enough of that. You can't find answers in a bottle. Well, not ALL of them. Heh. Just joking.

My brother started playing Star Wars Galaxies last month, and of course, being a geek and a recovering MMORPG addict, I couldn't help but try it out. To just tide me over until the move, of course. I quit the game a few hours ago, but I've collected a lot of email addresses from friends who want me to keep in touch. Most of them only know me as Lara.

I've actually gotten pretty close to one of them, but that's a story for another day.

This entry is about the best friend I didn't know I had until those last few hours before the account got cancelled. El was the friend of the guy I had gotten close to, and for a long time he was just El, Val's friend. But on that last day, when I was saying my goodbyes to El, I got to talking about Val and a few of the troubles we were having.

Eventually El and I were engaged in an hour long conversation that's almost completly changed my outlook on a lot of things. I ended up telling El about my transsexuality and he was just so kind, I can't even describe it. But more than that, he respected me for what I was going through, and was honored for MY friendship.

I'm really going to try to follow his advice.

Thanks, El

god, emotinaly I feel like total shit. It's taken me a few shots of tequila to open my eys up over the meaning behind all of this whole trip business I plan on taking. Im running really, thats what it comes down to. Sure its a dream and all that but it's mor e than that. Running. That's all it is.

I find that the only time I can see cleary and not stressing out over my whole gender problem and evry other little thing is when I'm away. Travelling. On my own. ANd drunk, of course, though not always. Sometimes its ALL i think aobut when I am but that's not tghe point.

The point is I'm running from this pain instead of addresing it, but I cant address it. Mom is saying stuff that has me doubting a lot of things, and so on and so on. I wish it wasn't like this. Its all about money realy like everything I suppose.

Almost almost. so verrrrry close. I started to fall back into old patterns, worrying aobut my transition even though I decided to put it off and not stress out anymore. SO when I almost burst out crying like old times, I grabbed the bottle to quench it. Ha, I'm screwed up. Resolute. STraightforward. I just need to tcalm the fuck down. I think to damn much.

Pick a dicision and stay the hell with it. No doubts, no worries. I can do that. I just have to accept the fact that I can't get this stupid process over and done with right now, and just accept it and move on.

God I love this thing. When you're socailly inept the computer is a great listener. Ok, whew crisis over.

Ha, 6;30 and I'm wasted. Thats funny.


While I was packing, I came across the drawer I keep all my clothes of the more feminine persuasion. Before I boxed em' up I couldn't help but change into a little summer outfit for a bit. I even got around to taking a picture and posting it up.

And I found a picture that I took the evening I got back from the beach, and threw it online too.

What? New pictures already? I'm posting them like it's 2001 or something...

Don't mind me; I'm an idiot.

I won't miss this place, but I'll sure miss my family. I'm going to try to spend a lot more time with them before I leave.


We're starting the long process of packing. You don't really realize how much you've accumulated until you have to gather it all.

Most of my stuff will be boxed up, and Mom will hold onto it until I get back.

Being at the beach made me realize just how pale I really am. I got a slight tan while I was there, but deepened it when I got home with a little help from some Instant Sunless Tanning Lotion. It works pretty well- I think I look a bit better with a darker hue.

K, just a short little update. Back to packing!


It seems our house has been sold. It's not completly definite, but very likely. Mom is a nervous wreck, and has second guessed all her decisions about leaving the state. As of now, the plan is for her to move everyone back in with Dad for a few months until she figures out what she's doing and where she's going.

I can't help but feel like she's coming full circle. I don't think it's the best decision, but I guess it's the safest.

The house being sold changes my plans too. Instead of leaving the 30th, I'll be moving out on the 22nd. 9 more days.

I'll be staying in a friend's spare room until I get my passport. I could have started the process of getting it by now, but my request for a new Birth Certificate was sent back because they needed more identification included. This time around, I'm going to try to change the name on it to match my new legal name.

There's a procedure for doing so- I just hope it doesn't add too much time to the whole process.


I'm back from N.C. !

I didn't find out til the last minute that I wouldn't be back until Tuesday, so I arranged for Dad to watch the kids for me.

Anyway, this trip was really a week long vacation for my Dad's sister Nancy and her family. Grandma and Grandpa invited themselves along, and they invited me. My cousin Jennifer and her boyfriend Greg were going as well, and I rode with them. They're about 18 I think. Greg and Jen are supposedly engaged, but according to Nancy it's going to be a loooooooooong engagment. She doesn't want Jen making the mistake of getting married that young.

Nancy also doesn't think to highly of Greg. From what I heard, most of the family doesn't care much for him either, but I found him to be a nice, funny guy. Maybe it's just because I'm looking at it from a 'youngins' viewpoint.

It was an 8 hour drive, but we only drove half of it on Friday, stopping at a hotel along the way. At around noon Saturday, we arrived in Topsail Island, N.C. The place we stayed out was really an ocean-side apartment complex that rented rooms out.

I had only packed for a couple of days so Nancy took me shopping. I didn't have much money so she bought me a nice pair of beach pants and some sandles. I remember at one point she pointed out some short-shorts that said 'Kiss Me' on the back and said I would look cute in those. Cool girl.

That night I bent my No Drinking to Excess rule with a few margaritas and a whole lot of Scotch. Still loaded, Jen, Greg, and I went out on the town, doing a little shopping and what not. I bought some cute earrings that I'm still wearing now.

I also seem to recall I was totally in girly mode with my mannerisms and everything, but since Jen knows about me and probably Greg, they were totally accepting.

The next day, after I recovered from vomitting my guts up, everyone wanted to hit the beach of course. Now I haven't been in the water for years. It had been a while even before I started hormones. But I went down to the beach, long sleeves and pants and all. I definitely felt ridiculous so eventually I broke and changed into some shorts and got in the water.

I kept a short sleeve shirt on though. God I felt so stupid, but I wasn't about to go topless and I'm sure as heck not ready for a bathing suit yet, so a T-shirt it was. Let's not even get into how much I kept adjusting it and folding my arms over my chest.

That water was great for my skin though. It was like a full body facial- I had a Just Fucked glow the next few days without the Fuck.

(Hiya Mom)

Seriously though, I think I looked better than I had in years. When I went out to eat with the family, the guys all got 'Sir', while I got Darlin', Sweetie, and Hun like the rest of the girls. Made me feel a bit giddy.

Your last night somewhere always seems to be the best, and this time was no exception. On Monday Jen, Greg, and I headed down to the pier that stretched a few hundred yards into the water. There was a $1 dollar fee though that we complained about, right up until we got to the end of the pier.

The view was spectacular, and we agreed it was definitely worth it. The rising moon was directly in front of us, rising over the water, leaving a sparkling trail of light across the dark surface that stretched towards us like a golded road. There weren't any stars out, but a little to the left of the moon was a bright red light that I realized was Mars. I remembered reading an article that said it would be the closest to Earth in August than it has been for thousands of years.

We stayed there for a long time admiring the view and eavesdropping on the people next to us. There were about three elderly woman fishing, drinking beer while they complained that their children didn't appreciate them anymore. A bunch of funny tales were being told that had us silently cracking up.

As we were leaving, one of the women got a bite. When she pulled it up, it turned out to be a 10 inch long shark. Taking the hook out, she let us pet it before she threw it back. I had never touched a shark before and found the sensation pretty cool. The skin was like rough sandpaper, except for the belly which was a bit softer than a cats tongue.

Deciding that it was late, we started to head back. Halfway along the pier though, we passed another fisherman who had just gotten a bite. He handed the pole to Greg and told him to reel it in. While Greg was doing that, the fisherman grabbed the line itself and started hauling up his catch. It turned out to be a stingray, which he dumped onto the wooden floor of the pier.

Unfortunatly, he decided to keep it so went about preparing it by taking off the hook and cutting off it's tail. I felt so bad for the little critter, but paid attention in morbid fascination as he pointed out the stinger on the tail and explained how one prick with that would send you to the ER.

As it sat gasping, I knelt down and pet it softly, as if that simple gesture would somehow soothe it's butchering and slow suffocation. It was a lot smoother than the shark, almost slimy. After a few more minutes, we left and headed back to the room.

The next afternoon I headed back home with Jen and Greg. Grandma and Grandpa had left early that morning, and Nancy would be staying until Saturday. And now I'm back. There's a few other things going on of importance, but I'm tired and willl leave them for tomorrow.

Good to be back. Hmm, well, not that great.


My Grandma (Dad's Mom) wants to spend some time with me before I leave, so she asked if I wanted to go with her to North Carolina. I think she's taking a couple of days off at a fancy resort down there.

So I'm going to go. It's only for the weekend- I should be back on Sunday. But Grandma can be just as bad with times and dates as Dad, so who really knows?

In other news, it looks like I might get to California afterall. Mom found out that the law firm she works for has branches in San Francisco and LA, so instead of quitting and going to Seattle, she's going to put in for a transfer to California. We're going down there at the end of the month to check out the area. Unfortunatly, it's nowhere near where I lived as a kid, so I won't be seeing Erin or any of my old haunts. I suppose that will have to wait.


Ok, everythings ok. It missed us.

So I was the only one home yesterday when the photographer for the real estate agency, Jenny, came by to take some pictures for the ads. Unfortunatly, she forgot her camera so she had to reschedule. But after that was taken care of we just stood by the door chatting for awhile.

We mostly talked about the house and the decor and everything, and than Jenny explained how absent minded she got on Mondays and appologized again for forgetting the camera.

I couldn't really put my finger on it, but there was something about the way she was talking to me. It wasn't a negative vibe at all, just different than what I was used to. I couldn't figure it out, and eventually I just gave up and forgot about it.

That afternoon when Mom came home, she told me that Jenny had called her and explained what happend with the camera. And apparently Jenny also gushed about how Mom's 'daughter was very beautiful.'

Now I do have self-esteem issues, but I just don't see how that's possible. But I'm not even going to get into that.

However it happened, for a few brief minutes I interacted with someone who thought I was a girl and there was definatly a difference, though it was so subtle I didn't realize it until later.

And, hehe, it's pretty good feeling.


Hmm, Emergency Broadcast System just came on and said a Tornado's comin' in. The families all down in the basement, but I stayed to gather some supplies and write this real quick. Will (hopefully) update soon.


I haven't cussed someone out in a long time.

My own aunt, at that.

Today was my Mom's birthday, and Dad came over and took her, me, and a few of my siblings out. Sourpuss that I am, I just couldn't bring myself to be more than an idle spectator, but it was great just watching Mom have fun. We went to a park where she played on the equipment and played tag with the kids. Seeing her running around laughing is a memory I'll hold forever.

Eventually we came home, where Angie was waiting.

About a year and a half ago, Mom's sister Angie moved in with us. My opinion on her has changed greatly since than. While before she was my favorite aunt, now I'll hardly go near her if I can help it. I find her very condescending to those around her, and treats us in a way that leaves a lot to be desired. But we usually bite our tongue because she does help out a lot.

Anyway, it all happend so quickly. Mom went outside to talk to Dad for a moment before he left, and I went upstairs. Downstairs, I heard Angie talking to my sister Brooke. Apparently Brooke had asked to go to Dad's house and Angie was repeatedly asking her to give her one good reason why she should go, in that super annoyingly superior tone.

After the third time I finally spoke up. "Well, maybe because she loves him." And than she said some stuff, mentioning that I was butting in. Well, yeah, I was. Angie butts in CONSTANTLY, and a fight we had a few weeks ago was over that very fact. I said that I would remember that next time SHE butts in, and than she said a few more stuff, where I basically said whatever, I'd just like her to stop interrogating my sister.

And THAN she started going on and on with personal insults, but I made a point of ignoring her, even when she told me to grow up. I could be the bigger person. Than she said a few things that really hit home, accenting it with a 'grow the fuck' up, and I snapped and found that I couldn't be the bigger one after all.

Yeah, you know, I AM still living at home. It may seem, as Mike said, that I'm here just mooching.

In my bio I mentioned that I couldn't put up with the teasing, so I dropped out of school to get my GED. Yeah, that was part of it, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. I'd had worse. The truth is Mom was broke, and she couldn't afford a babysitter. And she couldn't leave her job for one with more flexible hours or we'd be on the street.

And she didn't exactly ask me, but we both new it was the only solution. So I left school to babysit.

This fall, my youngest sibling will start school, so I won't be needed and can strike off on my own. It's the only reason I didn't leave a long time ago.

So having this woman tell me I should Grow the Fuck Up because I'm defending my sister, and because I'm still living here, caused me to snap. I said she was a Bitch and could go Fuck herself. Not exactly eloquent, but emotions were running high.

Mom came back inside just in time to hear Angies Grow Up and my Response. And than Mom and Angie started fighting, and after a bit you could see it had been building for a while; my fight with Angie was just the catalyst.

I don't know where things stand now. Angie wants to leave, and Mom says she'd probably be happier if she did. Angie went out for a drive, and now things have calmed down a bit.

K, that's all for now.


Paxil. In my case it was certaintly a wonder drug, despite some of the things I read about it.

I used to get frequent panic attacks caused by a lot of things, but mainly worrying about my health or situations that were happening to me at the time.

If you've never had one, count yourself lucky- they are NOT fun.

I've been off Paxil for months now, but I haven't had any more panic attacks. I still worry about a lot of things, of course, but it doesn't get close to the point where I would go over the edge.

I remember my first one very vividly; I mentioned it in my diary but I didn't know what it was at the time. I just said it felt like something bad was going to happen.

I was sitting at my computer when KABLAM. It felt like someone drove a hammer into my head. Eventually I found out it was just a very bad migraine, but for a few seconds I thought that my brain Hemorrhaged or something.

That launched me into two days of shaking, hyperventilation, sweating, and an all around feeling of dread.

Wasn't fun.

But anyway, just wanted to say I'm much better. Just so everyone knows I'm not QUITE as bad as I was only a year ago.


Ooohhhh yeah, to answer someones question, UCOMDL stands for Unedited Commentary On My Daily Life.

Clever, eh?

I'm such a moron.

Wow, it's August. I'll be leaving home on the 30th, where I'll stay in a temporary residence to take care of all the last minute details. Than I'll be on my way. Finally!

Mom has been stressing out a lot while she plans to relocate herself and my siblings to Seattle. She doesn't mind taking risks when it's just herself, but when her kids are involved she wants to make sure every detail is planned down to the finest level. Since she doesn't just want to show up and work and live there without knowing the area, Mom's going to go down there for about a week just so she can get to know everything a bit better, and go on some job interviews.

She'd like me to go, because she's coming back right before I'm do to leave and would like to spend some quality time with me before I go.

I'd like to go, but it all depends on money. Like everything I suppose. I'm already on an impossibly thin budget, but I'll see what I can do.

And speaking of Mom, she signed my new guestbook!

And a special thanks to Allison- I'll reply soon :)


The Cali trip. Let us never speak of it again.

Boy am I pissed. But I'll save that rant for some other time.

Read through the guestbook entries that accumulated while I was gone. Hehe, yes, I do believe my photos give off an awkward vibe. Of course, that's just the camera capturing my true self: awkward. At any rate, I did have some work done on my eyebrows. Much better, I think.

And no more pictures anytime soon- I'm liable to throw myself off a bridge if I have to face that judgemental lens of cursed fates again.

I'm in a good mood. Pissed, but in a good, zany mood. Though in my case, moods are funny entities. They're little snapshots in an existance that in the long run will amount to nothing more than gloomy bleakness and ultimate, inescapable doom.

But since right now I'm walking up one of the small hills located in the bottomless valley that is my life, I'm going to try and look on the bright side.

Ok, enough with the stupid metaphors. Hmm... I need to get laid.

No, that's not an invitation.

In other news, I have given up drinking. To excess. One or two every now and than couldn't hurt.

K, nice, tidy little update. I'll make my leave for the night now.


Mike emailed me for the first time ever. He complained that I should stop mentioning him, even by name. So, I guess there's only one thing to do.......


K, enough of that.

J ended up having to work late, so instead we went out for dinner and drinks, where we just hung out, getting to know each other a bit better. Than she took me home, where we sat on my porch for a half-hour talking some more. According to J, her and Dad are just really close friends, and that's it.

Dad had said the same thing, but we just assumed it was in a "We're just friends, *Wink* *wink*" kind of way.

That's an interesting bit of information. Maybe Dad's been trying to set us up? Who knows- if he is than he's completly insane. Anyway, she had an early morning so we said our goodnights by kissing each others hands. I thought that was kind of cute.

Aaaaah, California. I just can't wait to finally get on the road. If all goes well we should be leaving tomorrow. Hopefully.





Do to meet J soon.

Found out my cat was a girl today, after spending three years thinking otherwise. I never checked, just going by what the petstore told me- I respect her privacy ;)

Finished up most of my packing for the Cali trip. I didn't need to do much- most of it was already packed in preperation for my other trip. Might sound strange, but I've always loved living out of a backpack, having everything in one place.

Well anyway, I better go get ready.


Hmm, J invited me to see a movie with her tonight after work. Seems a bit odd. Ah well-

Oops, I gotta go.


Hehe, I forgot to mention that the rumor that Dad ran off to Atlantic City turned out to be false. It was an honest mistake- it's always hard to tell what that Man's really up to.

But it seems the California trip is still on, and we'll be leaving early Tuesday morning. My brother Brandon will be going as well, so at least it won't just be Dad and I sitting in a car for two weeks with nothing to say to each other.

Argh, Damn Cold.

But nevertheless, I'm still looking forward to this trip. Things to see and people to meet.

It's odd, but when I'm away from my town, on my own, I find it much easier to talk to people. After Mike stranded me down south, I must have spent a half-hour just chatting with the front desk worker at my hotel after I checked in.

Travel breeds socialization, I suppose.

Ooooh, an X-File.

I really didn't feel like having to change clothes to take a photo, so I just added a couple of pics in my usual attire.

I don't really look at it as a 'boy-mode' pic. It's just me, and that's that. As Ashley once said: "If it doesn't flip your checker, use your imagination."

Heh, cute gal :)

Helped Dad clean his house last night, in preperation for his parents and the new realtor coming to look it over. Saw J there too, but we didn't talk much. I'm pretty tight-lipped without at least two martinis.

Hopefully the place will get sold soon so Mom can hurry up and move. Her boss is a real A-hole. And a lawyer. Redundant?

Finally got around to going through some of the boxes I've had under the stairs for months now. Found a bunch of junk I was looking for, along with my digital camera.

Damn cold.


Haven't had a cold in over a year, get drunk one night, now I have one.

Who would've thought alcohol was actually bad for your health?

There's been some interesting developments on my credit card. Silly me, I loaned it to Dad so he could get his car fixed, and now it's over the limit, full of nothing but restaurant and cigar bills.


I figured since he knew I would get the bill, he might show a little restraint.

Well at any rate, I don't really care. Strange that I'm not more upset.

Sent off for my Birth Certificate. I also found out the procedure for changing the name on it, which is good to know.

Still no word on Dad. My aunt did some landscaping for him last week, and he didn't pay her. She's about ready to go back to his house to tear up everything she planted.

Oh, the Drama...


Well well well- Dad seems to have dissapeared in the last few days. Rumor has it he was last seen heading for Atlantic City. Most likely to gamble away the money for our trip.

Oh well. I've been half-expecting the trip not to happen anyway.

I just hope he didn't drag J up there with him, like I think he did once before. Unfortunatly, it's likely that he did since he doesn't have a car and has been using hers.

*sigh* She's too good for him.

I did a lot of thinking after my last entry. And I finally came to a conclusion. You can read about it in the entry I posted on The T.P.

So the next step is upgrading this thing, which shouldn't cost too much. Afterwards I might actually post a pic of myself for the first time in a year!! Unplug your monitor! Hide your children!



God I'm depressed. All those people I let down with my leaving The T.P. People who invested time in following my journey. I've just been crying all day, thinking about it.

I do regret taking my absence from the site more than a month before I'm do to leave. I suppose I could have waited a little longer before breaking the news, but that wouldn't have been right either, sitting on that kind of info. Leading people on even further.


I did make an update to the site on the main page. Made it a little more clear that my leave wasn't permanent.

Dad informed me that the Road Trip to California is still on. It had been delayed because of a car and money issue, but it seems to have been resolved. We might even be leaving this weekend.

And I'm goin' to go.

You may ask 'Why?", since I:

A. Detest him


B. Still have a lot of preperation to do to?

Well first, I felt that getting a chance to take a grand tour down Memory Lane was too good to pass up, even if it meant spending two weeks with the guy.

Those times in California were the best of my life before everything started heading dowhill. It would be nice to see everything again from an older perspective.

Second, my Birth Certificate accidently got destroyed, and the new one will take a couple of weeks to get here. It's a required document to get my passport, and I'll just be sitting on my hands at a stand still until it arrives.

Aside from all that, I'd like to see a bit more of this country before I leave it. I'm going to be gone a while, and seeing everything with that knowledge will help me appreciate everything a little more.


Ok, let's give this baby a test drive...


I woke up at 6am, where I found myself in one of the inner circles of Hell for the next five hours. Yes, it was one of the worst hangovers I've ever had.

Despite my frequent drinking habits, I rarely get so totally wasted that I try to jump in the water at The National Mall and develop a crush on my Dad's girlfriend. But I digress.

Dad's been trying to sell his house recently. (The same spacious one he kicked us all out of after the divorce, forcing us back to our old Condo.)

When the house finally sells, he'll give Mom all the child support money he's owed for the past year. And mom, in turn, will move the family out to Seattle. (Probably the last time I see her for the next few years. *sniff*) That'll be great for her and the kids. She hates this area almost as much as I do.

So for the benefit of all involved, Mom and I went to Dad's house where we spent a few hours cleaning it up and getting it into an eye-pleasing condition. I ended up staying after Mom left, since Dad wanted to treat me to a movie I've been looking forward to seeing.

We ended up behind schedule as usual though, so didn't end up seeing it. Instead we picked up his girlfriend J and headed for a local restaurant. J, for the record, is less than a year older than me.

I ended up having a Home Salad, which tasted great. (Going down that is- wasn't very good the next morning.) Plus I had a martini and J gave me a margaritta she couldn't finish.

A little more free, socially speaking, I actually engaged in the conversation and learned a little more about J, who for the last few months had just been 'Dad's Girlfriend'. I had met her a couple of times of course, along with her son. (No, it's not Dads, thank God.) But I hadn't really talked to her before.

I was a bit hyped up and it was only 11pm, so I suggested we head into D.C. Everyone agreed and soon we found ourselves in Luigi's, the owner being an old friend of Dad's.

Up until than I had a comfortable buzz going, but the social setting prompted me to have a little bit more, and I ended up with another Martini and a B-52. Plus I shared another drink with J.

Dad was working on his social connections with the workers, so J and I headed upstairs. That section had closed for the night so it was empty. We stood next to the window for a while, just taking in the cityscape for a bit while we talked some more. Before we went back downstairs J mentioned how she loved to sit by the water at the FDR memorial, so after we finally left Luigi's I mentioned we should head over there.

It was pretty late by now though, so we ended up at the Lincoln Memorial instead. The weird thing was Dad wanted to stay in the car, so J and I ended up going alone.

We went inside, and since my glasses made me nauseous when I put them on, she read me the inscriptions that were carved everywhere. We walked around a bit after that, finally settling down by the water after I tried to jump in. J held me back, of course.

Which reminds me that for the past ten minutes we'd been walking hand in hand, our finger intertwined. Of course it was probably just to keep me from falling over my own feet, though she continued to hold it after we sat, emphasizing some things she said with the occasional squeeze. At any rate, it felt pretty nice. Her skin was very soft, and I think I complimented it at one point. I can't really remember.

So we sat, commenting on the beatiful view of the Washington Monument. And we talked a lot, finding out just how much we had in common. She's always wanted to travel as well, mostly to the same uncommon places I want to see. Same music tastes, same odd habits, same geeky love for our computers...

And then the sprinklers started up and laughing, we jumped through them a bit before heading back to the car where Dad was waiting. On the way home I couldn't fight it anymore and fell asleep.

I barely remember coming home, but I seem to recall litteraly dragging myself across the floor to my bed.

Apparently this stupid thing has a limit, so I'll have to split this into two posts.


So it's the next morning, the fog has lifted, and I find that I'm still thinking about her. Yup, this has the makings of a Shakespeare play writted allllllllll over it.

Heh, I jest. First off, NO, she's Dad's girlfriend, off limits. No. Second, NO, I'm simplifying my life. Simplify, Simplify. I have too much to do in the next couple of weeks in preperation for my Getting the Hell Out of Here. Third, NO, I don't even LIKE girls like that. Do I? Eesh, maybe I really AM bi. Or 'Greedy' as Mike says.

Nevertheless, No. I don't have time to think about my sexuality either. I have just a few weeks to do Months worth of paperwork. Too much, too much. No. Not even going to think about. No.

Wow, her skin was pretty soft though...