god, emotinaly I feel like total shit. It's taken me a few shots of tequila to open my eys up over the meaning behind all of this whole trip business I plan on taking. Im running really, thats what it comes down to. Sure its a dream and all that but it's mor e than that. Running. That's all it is.

I find that the only time I can see cleary and not stressing out over my whole gender problem and evry other little thing is when I'm away. Travelling. On my own. ANd drunk, of course, though not always. Sometimes its ALL i think aobut when I am but that's not tghe point.

The point is I'm running from this pain instead of addresing it, but I cant address it. Mom is saying stuff that has me doubting a lot of things, and so on and so on. I wish it wasn't like this. Its all about money realy like everything I suppose.

Almost almost. so verrrrry close. I started to fall back into old patterns, worrying aobut my transition even though I decided to put it off and not stress out anymore. SO when I almost burst out crying like old times, I grabbed the bottle to quench it. Ha, I'm screwed up. Resolute. STraightforward. I just need to tcalm the fuck down. I think to damn much.

Pick a dicision and stay the hell with it. No doubts, no worries. I can do that. I just have to accept the fact that I can't get this stupid process over and done with right now, and just accept it and move on.

God I love this thing. When you're socailly inept the computer is a great listener. Ok, whew crisis over.

Ha, 6;30 and I'm wasted. Thats funny.

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