Well I had fallen off the wagon a few weeks ago where smoking is concerned.

Today though, I've gotten through the first three days smoke free. Cold turkey, no less, as I couldn't afford Nicorette.

I was taking a Smoke break the other day, and this older guy, who had made this big deal about quitting, and had got all these lozenges and patches, came up and told me he had quit three days, but was going to start smoking again.

He felt too much stress, he said, and the smoking helped. Well, no Shit.

It just struck me as sad, and a little pathetic. I hate the feeling of being slave to an addiction, and I saw that in him, and myself, too. Plus, I'm having surgery soon for goodness sake.

So I crushed up my pack, threw it away, and haven't looked back.

Feeling much better, now- more clear headed.



Here I am, starting at 2AM for another 12 hour shift.



Well, the next shift called in sick, so it looks like a Double for me.

Ugh, haven't done one of those in awhile. Hmm, I was a little more enthusiastic about them back when I wasn't on Salary.

Anyhoo, yesterday I deposited my last paycheck of April into my account- that means I'll be wiring the money to my Doc next week.

I haven't started to get nervous yet- that'll probably come next month. Air travel, my first surgical experience, foreign lands- exciting, but I do feel a little jittery as I move ahead.

Ah, and thanks for the comments about Cellphone suggestions!


So, after I had gotten all dressed up to meet Cindy at the Cherry Blossom Parade, I found out she wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be able to make it. The Vegan wasn't going to dress up, and I'm to much of a wimp to be dressed like that by myself.

So I dressed down to a boy-beater and jeans and accompanied the Vegan to a going away party for her boss. Ugh, dogs everywhere.

And it was Freeeeeeezing out.

Well, let's just say I've had better days off.

Right now I'm looking into renting one of those global cellphones to take to Thailand with me. I suppose I could unlock my iPhone, but I don't want to do that to my lil' baby.

If the boss pays for it, it would be nice having a phone with me. 99 cents a minute though- eesh.


Ahhhhh, T.G.I.F...

Except I work Saturdays, too...

Nothing new, just making an effort to keep the ole' blog current.

Next week I've got a doctors appointment to get some pre-surgical blood work. I'm something of a hypochondriac, but I've felt a little off the past few weeks. I have a few health concerns, but I'm hoping it's all in my head.

It would suck to have saved up and worked for this only to have to delay it because my Kidneys are falling off or something- Though I'd probably have more pressing concerns.


My Fortune Cookie

"You should enhance your feminine side at this time."

Sent from my iPhone


Heh, sorry about that last entry- I've gotten a couple of worried emails. Truth was I almost forgot I posted it. I was half testing my phones email because I thought it might be down, and half totally hung over.

I had hung out with the Vegan, and after getting home Emmy txted me while I was watching 'Samantha Who' to invite me out to her friend, a DJ spinning at a Thai Bar.

It was past ten, but I figured I was still young and I should get all this crap (going out at night) out of the way while I still can.

The whole gang was there again- Me, Emmy, Cindy, and her BF Chris.

The bar was pretty nice- we didn't end up getting there until after midnight and it was pretty much just us. And the DJ was cool- a thai kid with a Kiwi accent. (Chris faux pa'ed a bit and called him an Aussie. Free Advice- NEVER call a Kiwi an Aussie. Yeah, I saw GrindHouse.)

Anyhoo, unbenknownst to me Cindy had wanted to ask Emmy a bunch of Sex Questions, so without warning I found myself in a roundtable discussion about BDSM, Anal Sex, Rim Jobs, etc.

The format was mostly "Have you ever given or received [whatever]", and your feelings on the topic. For my part I answered most of the questions, though my response was No to most.

I had started knocking back drinks fairly quickly in an attempt to loosen up a bit. Before I knew it, I had a Mojito, two Vodka rocks, and a shot of Jagermeister provided by our DJ friend.

And then we packed up and moved the party over to his place, and I let him sweet talk me into a few shots of Captain Morgan's.

So yeah, around that time I was pretty fucked up and things got kind of fuzzy. I didn't get home until 4:30, and work started at 8. Yeah, when will I learn?

I knew that there was no way I could make that, so I set my alarm for 7:30, woke up and called someone to fill in for a few hours, and slept til noon before going to work for a half-day.

I was planning on crashing again after work, but the Vegan called and invited me to a potluck dinner, and then we went back to that Open Mic night from last week. She's thinking about performing a song next week.

God help us.

So here it is, Midnight, and I should probably get off to bed.

Night all!


Never again...

Sent from my iPhone


A Bigger World

Spent all Saturday working on the office. It's really not easy- sure, all one might see is some rearranging of our office supplies and some new equipment. They don't seem to realize all the stringing of wires through narrow passages and rerouting power that it requires.

I was on my hands and knees, behind drawers and covered with dust. (Checking the tape, my butt looks kind of cute from that angle.)

Of course, all I could hear when my back was turn was how stupid and cluttered it was. *sigh* I think there are some people in this world who just have to be miserable. They have to tear down and insult because maybe they were never taught kindness.

Or maybe they're just assholes.

Either way, it's pretty sad.

A few cops came in looking for someone. I told him that I recognized the name, because I've worked here over three years and he still gets mail occasionally, but I haven't seen him in at least that long.

The cop, an older guy, kind of looked me up and down, studying me for a minute. Than he leaned into the office and said, "Darling, there's a bigger world out here than [the block I work on]. Get out now, before it eats you alive."

Thank you, officer. I've been beginning to realize that for the past couple of years.

In the meantime, I try to occupy my mind with more entertaining manners. On Sunday I'll be dressing up for the Cherry Blossom Parade. This'll be the first time I've worn my more flamboyant outfits out in the harsh light of day. So, waxing my legs, bleaching some hair, using some tanner.

Ya' know- gettin' pretty'.

And in Surgical News- 29 Days to go- we have breached the thirty day mark!



So here I am, working.

I went out earlier with Emmy, so after getting in at about 2:30AM I manage to grab an hour nap before starting work.

My own fault, of course, but I had a pretty good time. We went up to Absinthe Brasserie & Bar, where I tried a couple of firsts- Rabbit and Absinthe.

The Rabbit was pretty good, though it just takes like chicken. And the Absinthe was, hmm... think licorice laced rubbing alcohol. As unpleasant as that sounds, I did enjoy it. As I had read up on it, I knew, somewhat, how to prepare it, and I found that slowly dripping the water over the sugar cube and watching it turn cloudy was kind of relaxing.

Kind of like a Japanese Tea Ceremony, or something.

Oof, it was kind of expensive, though.

Not much else going on, just cleaning up the virii and spyware that has infected the work computer. Haven't had to do this dance in awhile.

Eesh- damn Windows.



It was finally Sunny and Warm in San Francisco today, though I had to work late so I didn't get to enjoy it until the evening. The scantily clad crowds were out in full force, and I was reminded of ants scurrying over each other as they swarmed a doughnut.

I bought some stuff for our CCTV system- yup, still working on it. As it came with a huge CRT that we can't fit anywhere, I convinced the boss to pick up a Flat Screen TV for the office. That's going to be fun to set up.

Sooooo, what else....... Well, Emmy and I hung out late last night. I had taken a nap earlier and couldn't sleep, and she doesn't usually get to bed till 6AM, so we met up and did some grocery shopping together at a 24 hour place. It was nice seeing her again, all energetic (she'd been on a fast for the past couple of weeks and just recently started eating again.)

I had another rite of passage as we went back to her place and she shared some of her wardrobe with me.

Tonight, I have another 4AM shift, so I might check back to keep myself awake.

Oh, and 'The Office' is back on! Finally! I'm watching the episode in small increments so it can last as long as possible. Yeah, I'm weird that way. (Among others.)


Been pretty lively in ole' San Francisco lately. Protests, rallies, the running of the Torch- and me stuck behind a desk.

Ah well.

I'm loving this new surveillance system. It's like having little pockets of your world on TiVo. Part of my job is now going through the previous days recordings for anything suspicious, but I do come across a bit of office gossip.

I'm glad I've developed a thick skin these past few years- the things some of my coworkers say behind my back. I don't mind so much- in fact for some reason I take a little pleasure in it. I would not want to be the kind of person that they would like- which would probably be impossible, anyway.

Ok, enough about my budding voyeuristic tendencies.

Last night I was on the bus with The Vegan and a couple of guys sitting across from us invited us to an Open Mic Night music thing at a bar downtown. It's not really my thing, but the Vegan had an instant crush on one of the guys so we decided to drop by on the spur of the moment.

I ended up enjoying myself a lot more than I thought I would. First off, it was Tuesday, so it wasn't packed. Basically just us and a couple of small groups in the downstairs bar area.

Second, the drinks were only $2! $2 Tuesday, apparently- my new favorite holiday.

And after I was sufficiently buzzed, we went upstairs where we found a cozy loftish area to sit and watch the musicians. The whole thing just had a pretty good vibe to it.

It made me think of Stacia a lot though- this was exactly the kind of thing she was always dragging me off to. After I got back home, still a little buzzed, I sent her a brief email.

Ugh, when will I learn?


Surgical Details- A Pre-Trip Overview

The Doc I decided on after conducting research is Dr. Chettawut Tulayaphanich. I've read a lot of Rave Reviews, so to speak, about him. Of course, after spending thousands of dollars, suffering through surgery, and having to live with the semi-permanent results, it's possible that one may gloss over the negative.

As everyone's body is different, results will also vary, and there's always the possibilities of complications. I guess if you're going to choose someone, you just have to depend on Education, Experience, Past Results, and hope that the Statistics will swing in your favor.

I chose Thailand because of cultural ancestory and my love of tropical, buggy climates.

Ah, No. It's cheap.

They say that one of the things you don't go Cheap on is Surgery. (And Sushi) But of course, "Cheap" is relative. Not including Travel and Hotel Costs, Living Expenses and so forth, my cost comes to about $8,000.00 USD.

Still, that's just a tad over the price of a Nose Job from a place down the street from where I live in San Francisco.

(For the record, I paid about $1100 on Orbitz.com for my plane ticket, including travel insurance. If I had signed up for those Frequent Flier programs years ago, before all those flights home to see the family, I could have gotten it for free. Ah well, Cest la vie. (Hey, that rhymes.)

The hotel, with the Chett discount, works out to about $450 for two and a half weeks. And I set living expenses at about $500, which seems pretty reasonable seeing as how I'll probably just be vegging in bed most of the time. I don't plan on shopping sprees or visiting any Tourists Traps. Though if I need more, I suppose I can tap into my savings.)

I will be undergoing three Procedures:

Rhinoplasty, Breast Augmentation, and a Trachea Shaving.

I had considered a Brow Ridge Reduction for a long time, but my bangs cover it pretty well, and I don't think it's THAT prominent. Women come it all shapes, and I think it's somewhat in line, if not exactly the norm. Just take a look at Laurie Holden, who I recently saw in the movie 'The Mist'. Here's a higher quality, more flattering pic.

Besides, that's like an extra Six Grand.

So, I'm going to go ahead, for now, and leave it at those three procedures. The Breast Augmentation is pretty obvious- I have just enough breast tissue to warrent a Breast Exam during my last checkup, but that's about it.

Trachea shaving- having very little body fat (except a little "pouch" around my tummy that I'm working on) it makes my Adam's Apple a little more prominent. It's noticable enough that I tend to wear chockers and scarves alot, even though that brings even more attention to that area. The Human Psyche is a funny thing.

Finally, Rhinoplasty. Ahhh, the Humble Nose Job. It's right there in the center of your face, so that can "set the tone" of everything around it, so to speak. The first cosmetic doc I had a consulatation with, years ago, said I looked like I went a few rounds with Tyson. I'm guessing that's a boxing metaphor of some sort. (Looking back, I remember that guy was a total jerk. I'm so glad I didn't go with him.)

I try to cover it up in my pics with Camera Angles and Makeup Tricks (Another Rhyme!), but it's a mess. It's slanted, humped, wide, round, blah blah blah. Basically it's been the focus of many self-esteem issues over the years.

I'm hoping that "fixing" that will help bring everything else into place. But I also remind myself that it's only surgery, not a Miracle. I don't want to have high expectations or anything. If I can just have a candid picture taken and not grimace too much over it afterwards, I'll be happy.

So, I think that sums it all up nicely. For more information checkout TSRoadmap.com and the ever giving Google.

I'll write more as the Date gets Closer. 37 Days to go!

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Got a comment that requested I speak a little more about my trip and the operations I'll be having and stuff.

It's been so long since I've moved forward on TG related matters, that sometimes I forget this blog was an offshoot of a "project" to document my Transition. As I said a long time ago, transitioning, like life itself, is a journey. There's always something to do or learn. And I think it's gotten to the point where a lot of this stuff doesn't phase me anymore.

Yes, a refill of Sex Hormones from the opposite sex, please. Yeah, I'm going to start dressing like a girl everyday. Cool, huh? Pleeeease, let me give you money to gas me unconscious and hack away at my masculine features with a fine, sharp blade.

From the outside, a lot of the stuff we do might seem pretty strange, to say the least.

Yeah, so I'm going to try and blog more about strictly clinical TG stuff, and I'll put the links to the relevant posts in the Sidebar somewhere.

Soon. First I have to record the inane experiences of my daily life.

So yesterday our Security Surveillance System arrived. I used The Incident from last week to convince the boss it would be a worthwhile purchase. It took me most of the afternoon and evening just to install four cameras. On the list of scuzzy things, being sweaty and covered with 20 year old drywall dust ranks pretty high, so I jumped in the shower. (On the list of NICE feelings, moisturizing body wash over smooth legs is a simple pleasure.)

After I toweled off, I found a txt msg from Emmy invited me out to a friends Birthday party. Her Sister Cindi and her boyfriend Chris tagged along as well. On the way to the Party, we found out the Birthday Girl didn't show up to her own celebration, so we went our own way and grabbed some Vietnamese food.

The night wasn't that memorable. Near the end though Emmy and Chris picked up a conversational thread they must have shared in the past, and I gathered that Chris was Dominant with a strong S&M aspect.

I've said before that I have an interest in that kind of stuff, but when the conversation turned to me and Emmy asked me my feelings on the matter, I just kind of froze up and "No Commented" my way out of it. As long as I'm not involved in more then a observation capacity, I'm not offended or upset by much.

Cuddle Clubs, Sex Parties, Bondage Nights- it's not my scene but I'm perfectly happy observing, taking notes, and learning- as long as it occurs outside my bubble.

So maybe in that respect I'm kind of prudish. I'm working on opening up more, though. It's a process.

End Inanity (For Now) Clinical Discussion to Follow (At Some Point)


Well the Grave Yard worker was sick. Again. So I've been coming in at 4AM the past couple of nights for a 12 hour shift.

Not to bad- the night goes by pretty quickly, especially since there's not much to do but catch up on downloads.

Speaking of which, I've been watching the first season of Dirty Sexy Money, and I've enjoyed it. It's not what I expected from the little I had heard of it. And it's got a TG character actually played by someone who's TG- I caught her interview on some talk show on YouTube. Here's an Access Hollywood Clip. Oh, and if you get depressed easily, don't bother reading the comments- it's the exact kind of negativity you'd expect from Teenage Midwestern America.

Let's see, I also watched the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, which wasn't Good, per se, but I looked at it from a younger perspective and I thought it was cute.

Me and Emmy went shopping yesterday. Well, more like I watched her shop and made comments. She's so sweet. We made plans to attend the Cherry Blossom Parade this month, which a lot of cosplayers show up for. I think the outfit I wore to Bondage a Go Go last week would fit the bill pretty nicely, with some slight modifications. Hmm, maybe I could get a Maid's hat from somewhere, and some Black Ribbons...

And for my Going Away (buy Hopefully Coming Back) Party, we were thinking about a night out at Asia SF, a sort of Restaurant/Night Club with an hourly Drag Show.

And to top it off, she said she'd loan me a bit of cash for my trip.

*dreamy sigh* Did I mention how sweet she was?


And so it Begins...


I set April 1st as my day to quit smoking. Again.

To recap, I was smoke-free for six months, then I had one on my Birthday, and a couple a week up until last week after the assault, where I bought a couple of packs and went through those.

So, Today's the Day. Hmm, April Fool's Day, how appropriate. I don't have enough to spend on Nicorette, but I still have a few pieces left over from last time. Leveraged with Will Power, that should be enough. Hopefully.

I found some change in the couch for some Trident. Just got to keep my mouth busy, is all.


I've decided not to sell my Lappy, but I am considering exchanging my iPhone for Currency. I can't use the phone part in Thailand anyway. I'd miss the Media Functions, but my PSP could provide a 'Rudimentary' replacement (to say the least.)

Just something to think about.

Hmm, what else... Well, as you can see I updated the pics. That's after I got home at 3AM with a Lemon Drop or two sloshing around inside me. Not my best, but I work with what I have. For Now.

And I earned Frequent Flyer Miles from my Drinks, too!