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5/29/2006

Oof, had to rest for a sec.

The night I was getting thrown out of the apartment, I just sort of threw a years worth of surplus a few bags and boxes and hauled it off to the hotel. Finally, I've started going through it all, seperating the junk out, getting it boxed up and ready to be hauled off.

I was surprised, though, by the wave of emotion that started sweeping through me. I actually laid down and cried for a bit.

It's just junk, trash. An old jar of instant coffee, some newspapers with half-done sudoku puzzles, lot of old CD's, mostly ones that aren't even mine, etc. So I'm not sure what the big deal is. Though, I was digging through the stuff I'm not planning to throw out, so maybe it triggered something in my brain, all those objects being tied to memories, all being activated at once.

It's a tough feeling to describe, sort of like anxiety. Kind of like how I felt when I hugged the family goodbye and boarded that jet plane.

That's kind of depressing to think about, too. How the family has split up, how the environment I grew up in doesn't even exist anymore.

Ugh, well, I don't know where I'm going with this. Just needed to vent.

Now, to haul this junk away...

Ever since I finished that Red Thunder book I've been reading almost non-stop now, just like when I was younger. It's been years since I just layed down with a book and let a few hours go by.

I just finished the sequel to Red Thunder, and now I'm onto some stuff by Harry Turtledove.

Well, nothing much going on. Just forcing myself to post a little more frequently, so two weeks don't just disappear again.

So, even though it's a longshot, I signed up over Innocentive.com after reading about it in Wired magazine. I remember hearing about it years ago, and I thought it was neat. But now, heck, I'm building a lab anyway. Might as well take a shot at solving a ten thousand dollar challenge every now and then.

And yeah, I'll keep buying those lotto tickets, too.

5/27/2006

Time flies.

Let's see... Lately things have been alright, though a few punctuations of drama have encroached themselves upon me as of late. There's this employee who's acting like a fifteen year old, overreacting and dramatizing every little thing, dragging personal business into work. I may have to let her go.

Eesh, I never thought I'd find myself in that kind of position. I'm "The Man." Bah.

Then I've got "Amy." We see each other rarely, and each time I imagine myself making some sort of speech, or statement. Something to express my negative sentiments. It's hard, though, because it almost feels like I'm about to kick a puppy. Sure, that soft exterior may just be an illusion, one that I've seen shattered on a couple of occasions.

Mainly though, I just don't think it would actually do anything. Most likely, we'll just completly cut contact. And I don't know, it is nice to talk to someone besides myself or the Hotel Crazies. There was a time when she was my best friend. And sometimes, despite what she did, I think that she feels the same way.

I guess that's part of the illusion, too.

But at any rate, maybe we're not as close as we once were. Maybe we can't be. Despite my feelings on the subject, objectively, I know the distance is a good thing. The fact is, we're almost exactly alike.

Same birthdays, her middle name is my dad's name and mine is her moms name, same birthmark, same same same...

And maybe if I'd been born a "Hot Chick", and I developed that whole Princess Metality, I might have exploded the same way she did when she threw me out.

Suffice to say I can get pretty vindictive myself.

Well, I still think everything worked out for the best. I'm in a good place in my life, financially at least, and I'm using a bit of my next few paychecks to finally build that little invention that's been bouncing around in my head since Second Grade.

I'm looking forward to building my little lab, piece by piece. I'll post some pics when it's finished.

And speaking of pics, those were updated about a week ago. Sometimes I find myself wondering who the Hell that person in the photos are. It certaintly can't be me. My cellphone must have some sort of Magic lens on it.

So I'll end this here, and get back to my new favorite song that's helping to lift my spirits, "Broken One." I fell across it on this girl's MySpace profile.

5/14/2006

It was a pretty nice day to have off. Sunny and warm, the perfect Lazy Sunday. I did the usual, just walked around, went to the bookstore, read some magazines. Most of my reading as of late has been digital, off my PDA. There's something about carrying a dozen books around in your pocket that strikes me as really cool. Right now I'm reading 1984, something I never got around to.

But I did pick up a real life paperback today, called Red Thunder by John Varley, which has been great so far.

Also, somewhat on the spur of the moment, I've decided I want to know how to knit, so I bought some supplies and have been teaching myself through various internet guides. Why knit? I don't know, I can't explain half my impulses.

Anyhoo, I've come to the realization that I enjoy being single. Spending most of my life alone, I rember the lonliness. The depression. I had yearned for contact and love. And then I got it in spades, all compressed in a couple of years. Well, contact anyway, not sure about requited love.

And now, ironically, I feel relieved not having someone around all the time, not having to try so hard to please someone. Other people are trouble, anyway. So, I walk around whistling a tune (Well, I pretend to whistle, since I can't) and revel in the solitude.

And now, to get back to my "Cast on's".

5/08/2006

Eesh, it's been awhile again. There's just not much going on. Everything's pretty stable.

Yesterday was my day off, so I did the usual, went to the bookstore and all that. It was still early after that wrapped up, and I didn't quite feel like going home yet, so I started walking. Walked up Market to the Ferry Building, followed the Embarcadero, hung out at Pier 39 for all of five minutes, and kept walking up past Fort Mason before finally heading south again for Downtown.

It was fairly pointless, but it was nice breaking away from routine for a bit.

I was also waiting from a call from dad. His mom was in San Jose for a wedding and she was thinking about dropping by to see me in SF. Now I know my grandma almost as well as I know Dad, and I knew the chances of her actually doing that were nil, at best.

Turns out I was right. I mean, the woman's rich enough to fly anywhere in the world whenever she wants too, which is often, what with all the art she collects from far flung locales. She could have seen me anytime in the last two years, and just because she's a couple of hours away doesn't change much. Out of sight, out of mind.

Dad DID call about a loan, though. Course, he still hasn't paid off the last one, but he's family, you know?

In other news...

Hmm, I haven't mentioned that I'm seen 'Amy' a few times since she threw me out. The first couple of times it was just annoying, pretending to be friendly while not mentioning the pink elephant in the room, the fact that she's pretending like everything is fine, we're great friends even though she threw me out on the street in the middle of the night.

I got a little vindictive, yes, hinting at how living at the hotel has helped out my working life. I'm getting paid more to be on-call, being the bosses right-hand 'person', and living rent free. So job wise, it was actually beneficial.

But still, I hold a grudge for awhile. It's the principle of the matter! Jeez, after everything, she could have given me a couple of days, or until the morning, at least. But noooooo, it's really no big deal, everything's fiiiiiiiiine. She sends me text messages at night saying how much she misses me and cares about me, or wishing be a good night, or a Happy Friday, whatever that is.

She invited me out for coffee the other day, and it was just like the 'old days'. It kinda made me sick, how I felt my grudge slipping a little when I saw that smile. At least when she hugged me later, wrapping her arms around my waist, pressing her cheek against my somewhat flat chest, I didn't quite return it, keeping my arms from finding the smoothness of her back.

Sure, you can only care anger for so long before it becomes rather pointless and a little sad. I'm not quite sure what I'm waiting for. An apology? Maybe, but it doesn't quite feel right. Something I can't put my finger on...

Anyway, I'm running late for work.

5/01/2006

Ugh, well that was no fun. My throat was killing me, for awhile. Everytime I swallowed it felt like I was deepthroating a steak knife. Eventually, the pain subsided somewhat, and it only felt like my throat had sustained third degree burns.

The whole time I felt weak and delirious, alternating between burning up and freezing. Some days, I'd fall asleep right after work at 5pm and wake up the next morning at 6.

Good times. But I seem to be all better now, and I didn't even take antibiotics.

Not that I could, anyway. No insurance. Though I did order some online, in case there's a next time. Be Prepared, and all that.