All is well

So I spent the night at Stacia the night prior to her scheduled
hospital visit.

True to form, we did have an argument that lasted well into the next
morning, so there wasn't much cuddling. Until later, when the doc told
her she was fine.

The last few months have certaintly been a learning experience for me.
Here I am on my eighth day of not smoking and I haven't even had any
gum yet today.

And I feel good, less anxious.

Plus not having Emmy in my life, though I've missed her, is also a
weight that's been lifted. (I've started to become friends with her
sister though, who's much more... Normal? She invited me to her
birthday party next month.)

Hmmmm... Ta ta for now!

Sent from my iPhone



Stacia disclosed her fears to me over a possible medical ailment. She called me up crying, and I did my best to try and make her feel better, which wasn't much at all.

I've never been good at that, or emotional situations in general. I always feel awkward when people start crying. A part of me kept saying I should hug her, or something, but I couldn't bring myself to.

Not that I didn't want to, I just had visions that it would be stiff and seem fake, and insincerity certainly wouldn't make me feel any better. So we just talked and I tried my best to at least be there.

I guess she wanted more though, as she called me up around 1:30AM the other night, asking me to come over. That late at night, it's hard for me to get anywhere, so I suggested she ride her bike over to me.

Jeez, I'm a bitch...

Anyway, so she got there and after changing into some of my sweats we went to bed. I could tell she must have still been scared because she actually wanted to sleep in bed with me. (I had tossed her a spare blanket and pillow. Yeah, I know how to treat a lady.)

After a bit of laying in darkness she asked me to pet her head. An odd request, I thought, but I obliged, running my fingers through her hair. She made a point of promising she wasn't coming on to me, she just needed some comforting.

So after awhile when my hand got tired, she started inching closer to me, before asking me to put my arms around her and cuddle. Again, a promise she wasn't coming on to me. (There's a back story to all this, I guess. Ages ago we had a fight that lead to me saying how I wasn't attracted to her anymore, but because she was so hot I might have gone a little out of my way to annoy her just to "prove" it. That makes sense, if you use elementary school logic.)

And that's how we went to sleep. And damn her, as almost clinical as all that was, it actually sparked some sort of feelings in me that I'm still trying to work out. I never fantasize about sex that much. I tend to actually enjoy the kissing and cuddling more. So for me, this was a pretty intimate event.

She'll be going to the Hospital this week, and I offered to go with her. And she invited me to stay over at her place the night before. So we'll see what happens there. My money is on us having a big fight that completely extinguishes any spark I may or may not feel. One of the few things I've learned is the pendulum swings both ways.



Since Emmy had gotten me smoking in the first place, I figured I'd "Close the Loop", so to speak, by quitting. Again.

Picked up a box of Nicorette and have been chewing it with all the gusto of cows chewing their cud.

No, it's not fun. But it helps.


Ok, enough Fight Club Quotes (For Now)

I wrote this a bit ago, but I've been so 'Zen' lately I thought it would ruin the mood. But I think it's time to get it out of the way.


Ever since I was a kid, laying on the floor on the edge of sleep (I had this thing about sleeping on the floor when I was younger) when things with my latest Crush of the Week took a nosedive and I knew we'd never get together, I'd imagine a dusty, steel plated room deep underground.

All this room had was an old TV Monitor set into the wall and a rusty dashboard with a big, red lever, like the emergency break of a fighter jet or something. I'd walk into the room and look at that switch, my hand grasping the lever, hesitating.

I'd take a deep breath, and then, after running the gamut of emotions, I'd finally, with a stoic expression of determination, pull the lever down.

The screen would light up, and on it would be a fast forward slideshow of all my memories of the person, how I made her laugh with a corny joke or taught her something she didn't know before- all the happy memories. It usually didn't take too long.

And then the screen would go blank, save for the word [Deleted] in bold, red letters. A few seconds later, that would fade as well, and the room would be dark once again.

I'd sigh, look at the screen again for a bit, sad, nostalgic, and then I'd walk out and begin the long trek back to the surface.

Weird, eh? That was my way of coping with heartbreak. I suppose it gave me some sort of feeling of power, this conscious, visual act of saying goodbye and moving on. Better to just put the person out of my head than to let them make me feel miserable.

Every time I found myself thinking about them again, I just had to remember pulling that lever and my mind would move on to other things.

The other night, I found myself thinking about that Bunker again.

The last time I saw her, 'Amy' and I had a good time. We hung out as usual, drunk some beer, smoked, talked... She had picked up a new phone, and when I asked for the number, she said she'd give it to me the next day. A little odd, but I didn't think much of it.

Then, we boarded the subway together and I walked her off to her stop, where she'd board a train to go visit her family. Nothing unusual, she went down there every other week or so. We planned to get together the next week and said our "Seeya's".

I texted her a few days later, asking how the trip was. No Response. I tried calling every now and then after that- voicemail. I was worried for a bit, thinking she was sick or in trouble, until I saw that she'd been logging onto her MySpace daily.

The last time I called, it was answered, but no one said anything. I heard a train announcement in the background. 'Amy' must have tried sending me to voicemail but accidentally answered it instead. A few seconds later, the call ended.

I was hurt. I was angry. All these years and that's how she's going to end it?! I found myself wondering if this was some spur of the moment thing. Did someone say something about me? Was there a misunderstanding somehow? I racked my brain, thinking if I had upset her somehow. What did I do?

And then I found myself thinking about the second possibility, that this was the plan all along. That maybe that's why she didn't give me her new number on the spot. Which is about ten times worse- me going along all happy go lucky, hanging out with my Best Friend, while she's plotting in the background to cut me out of her life.

We've had our rocky experiences together, but I can tell this has an air of finality about it.

Over the course of this blog I've gone on ad nauseum about my feelings for 'Amy'... Emmy, so I won't waste time writing again about how much I cared about her in the face of her indifference. How I felt we shared a lot of the same life experiences that connected us by some sort of mutual sadness. (She sent me an email semi-recently that said pretty much the same thing).

I always joked with Emmy that she was like a cat because she seemed to sleep all day.

Cats can be affectionate, but in the end it'll always go off and do its own thing (And if you don't feed it or change its litter box, it'll probably find someone else who will, though that might not apply here. ...Though I did spring for a lot of dinners and drinks over the last three years...)

I'll never forget her, or the experiences we shared together, the adventures we had. I'll never forget the gifts she gave me, the opportunities she created for me, the feelings of warmth she gave me.

And, I'll never forget all the times she hurt me, or made me cry.

I will never forget her, but it's time to bury those memories deep, to move on once again and walk that lonely road.

It shouldn't be too bad. The future is freshly fallen snow, full of promise, and I think I'm a little better equipped now to travel that path than I was at eleven.

It's time to pull that lever.

I Became Addicted

This Organization Bug includes the digital realm as well, as I've been cleaning up my hard drive and trying to get all my files in some semblance of order.

I came across a Widget that lets you easily add iTunes cover art to your tracks. Since most of my music was downloaded "iLlegally" (I've changed my ways!) the names are messed up, there's no album info, etc. So I've been going through song by song, editing and adding art. Sometimes the widget doesn't work for the more esoteric stuff, so I manually hunt those down.

I've only got a thousand or so songs. I had much, much more years ago, but most of it was left on my old Dell desktop. (And now we'll never speak That name again).

So, that's what I've been doing, instead of going out and having fun and spending money. Very effective. Now to keep it up for the next sixteen months.


I was the Zen Master

I wrote little haiku poems. I emailed them to everyone.

So here I am, still alive and planning for my future.

I got an email suggesting that my Korean vacation should include a stopover for some cosmetic work. And that actually was something I was considering.

For the last week or so I've been going over my finances. I've got a lot saved up, but I'd like to have an even $50,000 before I head out.

That would be enough for all the surgeries I plan on, plus a nice long vacation/recovery that will most likely end up in a relocation from San Francisco, with enough left over to establish myself in the new locale, wherever that may be.

If I step up my current Rate of Savings, I should have that amount by the end of '08... Sixteen Months sure seems like a long time on paper, but I spent the better part of the other day reflecting on how quickly the previous three years here have flown by.

A lot of it was just wasted time, but now that I'm getting older, with 25 looming on the horizon (that last peak before it all goes downhill) I'm working on organizing myself. Feng Shui'ing my life, if you will.

I went through my room, throwing away a good portion of the things I've hoarded. Bought a couple of cheap plastic drawers and gave everything a place. And I've actually kept it clean these past couple of weeks.

On the financial side of things I put a spreadsheet together (An OpenOffice one. Not as elegant as Apple's recently released 'Numbers' appears to be, but it's free, so...) that shows my future goals, current expenses, and amount Saved to date.

Seeing everything mapped out, I've been able to squeeze a couple of extra hundred bucks a month into savings.

To further motivate me, I printed out a list of everything I'm saving for and how much it'll cost, and taped it onto my wall. Every time I save enough to pay for an item on that list, I put a Fat Green Line through it.

Very satisfying, in an almost visceral sense of the word. I got the idea from a website that said Jerry Seinfeld used a calender to mark off the days that he sat down to write jokes- the goal being to mark off everyday and create an unbroken chain.

A little more elegant than my little list, but still nice to see all that green.

So all my bills are being paid on time and I can afford to eat, even though I'm putting almost 90% of what I earn into the bank. I stumbled a bit with the iPhone and the MacBook Pro purchase earlier this year, but in the long run it only added an extra six weeks of saving time.

And, if I ever find that second job, it might be a lot sooner.

I find myself thinking less about 'Amy' and 'Weena' (Did I mention I haven't had any contact with 'Amy' either for almost a month?) and find that I'm actually feeling pretty good, like I've been exercising everyday, or something. (Which probably wouldn't be a bad thing. Maybe I should fit that in somewhere.)

Ahhh, it feels good to be organized and motivated. It smells like....Fulfillment!



So, 'Weena', who responded to my first offer to hang out with a raincheck because she was going out of town for a day, has since completly ignored me.

I only asked her out once. Then in the span of two weeks I text messaged a "How'd your weekend go?" kind of thing twice, with no response of aknowledgement.

That depressed me for a bit, but the last few days have been somewhat good. Actually, the best in awhile, and I'm further reminded that as "bad" as things can get, sometimes they actually get better!

First up, Edward Cherlin from the Earth Treasury checked into our little hotel! He was in town for LinuxWorld and while we were chatting, he pulled out a prototype laptop and demoed it for me.

I had been following the project since I first read about it in Popular Science a few years ago, but it was really cool actually seeing one of the things.

After that, a couple of Korean girls checked in. I've noticed that alot of young, native Asia girls seem to 'Dig' me. Maybe it's because of all those transgendered pop groups over there. Anyway, I was giving them directions to the Golden Gate Bridge, and when I mentioned that after three years of living here I still haven't actually been there, they said they'd wait until I got off work so we could all go together.

Quite a sight, it was, and we had a fairly good time. I developed a near instant crush on one of the girls, (who I later learned were sisters, ) who was so adorably cute. And she's a computer programmer and avid Video Game player! A Fellow Geek!

(She gave me permission to put her photo up on the ole' blog. I just have to show her off!)

So even though I had to pull alot of hours the following days, we ended up spending as much time as we could together. And, *ahem*, the nights were fairly interesting as well.

She's gone now, but I've got her email address and an open invitation to visit her back home. My boss did say that he'd fly me anywhere I'd want for doing such a good job while he was gone.

Maybe I'll take a little vacation soon...?


I like 4AM

I seldom get to see it.

Well, here I am on hour 20 of my 56 hour shift. Ooh boy, when I put it that way, it sounds rather depressing.

One of our full-time employees left so I've been picking up the slack. In addition to working 7 days in a row, I'm pulling a couple of triples back to back. I'm fairly certain this is against some sort of labor law somewhere, but I help the boss, he helps me.

He just got back from a two week vacation from which he left me completely in charge, and seeing as how business went up 175% in those two weeks, and room occupancy went from 40% to 92%, he gave me a bonus and another raise.

So I suppose this is the least I can do.

I haven't gotten to the point yet where I start spouting 'Fight Club' quotes, so that's a good sign. I'm pacing myself with the caffeine so I don't crash, and just generally trying to stay busy. Usually all nighters aren't a problem, but two in row is a bit tricky.

So in other news... Hmm... Well I saw Stacia again, and we had a somewhat good experience together.

Just like old times though, I would say something that offended her and she'd get that attitude that can best be described as a socialite being forced to accompany a Neanderthal to the grand ball.

After all this time she still doesn't quite get me. I would describe her as a hipster type that's especially mannered. But when I'm around stuffy people who act all prim and proper, I just can't help myself. I prod.

I think this comic sums it up nicely. (You should read all of em'- great stuff)

Stacia commented on the great contradiction that is me. Which is true- Aquarian Duality. Sometimes I'm shy and humble, other times I feel egotistical and will literally list off all the adjectives that describe how great I am.

Sometimes I feel like a little kid, experiencing everything for the first time. Other times I'm the old, weathered soul that's been around this cosmic merry-go-round a little too long.

This blog is fine and all, but even after all these years I think it would be difficult to get a clear picture of me from these words alone.

And maybe that's a good thing.

Til' Next Time!


Duck Curry, truly Mankinds greatest invention

So, Stacia and I didn't end up getting burritos, instead settling for beer and thai food. She started off a little cold. The pretense for our meeting was giving her some mail that came in, but after awhile it was almost like old times.

It's rather hard to describe our relationship, and I won't try. Needless to say, it can be rather special at time, and we have what might be referred to as 'an interesting dynamic.'

It was pleasant, but I don't sit well with elephants in the room. I knew there were unsaid things and bottled emotions under the surface, and I wouldn't be me without shining light on them.

So after dinner wrapped up I steered the conversation towards the way things ended, with me basically throwing her out. And that's when it started getting real, that hard edged spark coming to life in her eyes.

I just let her talk for a long time, only interjecting occasionally. I told her I couldn't change the past, but I'd like us to try and salvage a friendship, outside the context of us living together (which was really what our original relationship was founded on). I made a joke along the lines of 'Well, at least you won't have to worry about me ever kicking you out again.' She wasn't amused.

So then I started making analogies, which I have a tendency to do when conventional logic fails (as happens a lot where human interaction is concerned) and talked about how forest fires, destructive as they are, can make room for new growth and evolution.

I don't think that she bought it, but she said that she was there, and talking to me, so I took that to mean there might be hope yet. Baby steps.

We hugged, and we made plans to see 'The Simpsons' movie sometime next week.

I hear it's good.