God, I hate AOL.

Past time to do something with my hair. What's the point of long hair if I'm just keeping it in a hair tie all the time? I'm not exactly sure when I'll have it done, but it'll be soon. I was thinking of maybe going the short route.

Anyhoo, I've been having a pretty good time here. I have a cozy little room and plenty of reading material. I've been spending my mornings paying my way by helping out with the gardening. Well, rebuilding it would be the proper term. It's been neglected for years, so there's alot to be cleaned up first.

My afternoons are usually spent reading and writing.

I've also been thinking alot about what I'm going to major in. Even last year I thought I'd be perfectly at home in some research lab devoid of all contact, but that has become more and more unappealing. Lately I've been wondering if I'd be happier doing something with more direct human interaction.

That's kind of strange, coming from me, but I can definatly tell that I've been changing alot this last year. Youth entails possibilities, and maybe I'm just now starting to really see them.

Very exciting. There's kind of a charge in the air.


Ah, so there IS a computer here. Dialup, so with all the important calls coming through here I can only try getting online in the late evening. Which is good. I reallly don't want to spend all my time glued to this thing. Free from the influence of broadband, I actually got a few things done that I had been meaning to take care of for a while now.

I'm still planning on keeping my internet usage down to a couple of times a week.

In other news, I talked to my therapist and she said she'd send my doctor the Letter. All I have to do is sign a Release Form that she faxed to Mom's office. I should be able to sign it on Monday, get it faxed back on Tuesday, and than my doctor should receive the letter by Wednesday. Than things will finally start happening.

Let's see, what else is going on... Hmm, well, not much. I started reading Trans-Sister Radio. I had started it a few months ago, but lost it, and just found it again recently as I was packing. It's been great so far, I recommend it. (*Receives check under door*)

Lately I've found that since things are constantly changing, it's best to just adopt a 'It'll all work out eventually' attitude. I should have done it years ago; could have saved me a lot of anxiety.


I don't know how Mom did it, but she seems to have convinced Dad to move to Florida. She couldn't move anywhere he didn't want ta' go to, which is why she was looking into the Washington and California area. But she'd much rather live in Florida so she could be close to her Mother and sisters.

For the last few weeks she's been easing Dad into the idea of Florida. And apparently they're all going down there soon to check out the Tampa area. Crossing my fingers that he'll like it...

Tonights my last night here. I'll be moving into that spare room a few counties away tomorrow, and there's still so much planning to be done. I was planning on leaving the country late-October. After that, the discount I was going to use for my plane ticket expires and it'll be twice as much. I doubt I'll be able to make that date, so I've had to factor the extra costs into my budget.

But it's a small price to pay. I am so grateful for Mom's gift that I can barely express it in words.

Planning is all I can really do though. My new birth certificate hasn't come in yet, so I can't get my passport.

Plus, my plastic surgeon requires his TG patients to bring in a letter from their therapists that says they've been diagnosed as transsexual. I hadn't heard of that before for a fairly common cosmetic procedure, but whatever.

I'll call my therapist to see if she could just Fax the letter directy, but she might want to schedule an appointment with me since it's been awhile. And since she just got back from vacation, she's probably booked for a the next couple of weeks.

As soon as I get that letter I can move forward and schedule a surgery date.

Anyway, I'm all packed. Most of my stuff has been boxed away in storage. All I'll be bringing with me is a backpack and a small Xerox box filled with some stuff to tide me over for the next couple of months.

My Palm m125 finally broke down on me today, and is now totally FUBAR. (*cries* I loved that thing...) And I won't be taking my computer. So I'll have plenty of time and no excuses not to learn that foreign language, or memorize those damn math formulas. Plus there's a bunch of books I've been meaning to read.

Yup, the next couple of months are going to be very intellectual.

Of course, No Computer also means I'm not sure how often I'll be able to update this thing. I doubt I'll be able to immediatly post every thought that enters my head. (Yay! No more drunk ramblings!) Maybe around once a week or so.


GOOD GRAVY that's embarassing! A couple of years ago, when I was absolutely convinced I only had days left to live, I wrote a letter intended to be read upon my passing by close family. Hehe, I sort of got carried away, to the point where the letter wasn't fit for ANYONE to read.

Let's just say that my sexual frustration is described somewhere within it's depths, along with a host of other personal revelations that only come to light when you're slightly liquered up, in the midst of an anxiety attack, during a fit of depression. Well I saved it and promptly forgot about it.

Years later, I opened up Kazaa today to get a few files. A few hours later, I have just checked it to see if they were finished downloading.

Imagine my surprise when I noticed the Uploaded Files area, where I saw that a complete stranger had downloaded the letter.

Boy, is my face red...

ohmygod. You know, life sure is funny sometimes. You can decide anything you want, plan it, prepare for it, and than in an instant everything changes. Like this trip. It's a dream of mine, yes. But as I mentioned before, I'm also running.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is the trip will have to be delayed a bit.

Because with the money earned from selling the home, Mom has offered to help pay for my cosmetic surgery.

I can't believe it.

On the one hand I'm thrilled, of course. This is a giant step closer to where I want to be. But on the other hand, I feel so guilty for her having to spend that much money on me.

There was one aspect of my trip that I didn't mention. I found a college I want to go to overseas, which will be the final destination of my trip. I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone- Travel and College. So this trip will still happen, because I really want to get out of the whole community college stuff and get off to a good school.

At least now I'll be doing it the way I want.


Yes, I AM on a self-destructive path. Thanks for asking.

K, a little nap fixed me right up. Let's hear it for the Liver, yeah!

Seriously though, enough of that. You can't find answers in a bottle. Well, not ALL of them. Heh. Just joking.

My brother started playing Star Wars Galaxies last month, and of course, being a geek and a recovering MMORPG addict, I couldn't help but try it out. To just tide me over until the move, of course. I quit the game a few hours ago, but I've collected a lot of email addresses from friends who want me to keep in touch. Most of them only know me as Lara.

I've actually gotten pretty close to one of them, but that's a story for another day.

This entry is about the best friend I didn't know I had until those last few hours before the account got cancelled. El was the friend of the guy I had gotten close to, and for a long time he was just El, Val's friend. But on that last day, when I was saying my goodbyes to El, I got to talking about Val and a few of the troubles we were having.

Eventually El and I were engaged in an hour long conversation that's almost completly changed my outlook on a lot of things. I ended up telling El about my transsexuality and he was just so kind, I can't even describe it. But more than that, he respected me for what I was going through, and was honored for MY friendship.

I'm really going to try to follow his advice.

Thanks, El

god, emotinaly I feel like total shit. It's taken me a few shots of tequila to open my eys up over the meaning behind all of this whole trip business I plan on taking. Im running really, thats what it comes down to. Sure its a dream and all that but it's mor e than that. Running. That's all it is.

I find that the only time I can see cleary and not stressing out over my whole gender problem and evry other little thing is when I'm away. Travelling. On my own. ANd drunk, of course, though not always. Sometimes its ALL i think aobut when I am but that's not tghe point.

The point is I'm running from this pain instead of addresing it, but I cant address it. Mom is saying stuff that has me doubting a lot of things, and so on and so on. I wish it wasn't like this. Its all about money realy like everything I suppose.

Almost almost. so verrrrry close. I started to fall back into old patterns, worrying aobut my transition even though I decided to put it off and not stress out anymore. SO when I almost burst out crying like old times, I grabbed the bottle to quench it. Ha, I'm screwed up. Resolute. STraightforward. I just need to tcalm the fuck down. I think to damn much.

Pick a dicision and stay the hell with it. No doubts, no worries. I can do that. I just have to accept the fact that I can't get this stupid process over and done with right now, and just accept it and move on.

God I love this thing. When you're socailly inept the computer is a great listener. Ok, whew crisis over.

Ha, 6;30 and I'm wasted. Thats funny.


While I was packing, I came across the drawer I keep all my clothes of the more feminine persuasion. Before I boxed em' up I couldn't help but change into a little summer outfit for a bit. I even got around to taking a picture and posting it up.

And I found a picture that I took the evening I got back from the beach, and threw it online too.

What? New pictures already? I'm posting them like it's 2001 or something...

Don't mind me; I'm an idiot.

I won't miss this place, but I'll sure miss my family. I'm going to try to spend a lot more time with them before I leave.


We're starting the long process of packing. You don't really realize how much you've accumulated until you have to gather it all.

Most of my stuff will be boxed up, and Mom will hold onto it until I get back.

Being at the beach made me realize just how pale I really am. I got a slight tan while I was there, but deepened it when I got home with a little help from some Instant Sunless Tanning Lotion. It works pretty well- I think I look a bit better with a darker hue.

K, just a short little update. Back to packing!


It seems our house has been sold. It's not completly definite, but very likely. Mom is a nervous wreck, and has second guessed all her decisions about leaving the state. As of now, the plan is for her to move everyone back in with Dad for a few months until she figures out what she's doing and where she's going.

I can't help but feel like she's coming full circle. I don't think it's the best decision, but I guess it's the safest.

The house being sold changes my plans too. Instead of leaving the 30th, I'll be moving out on the 22nd. 9 more days.

I'll be staying in a friend's spare room until I get my passport. I could have started the process of getting it by now, but my request for a new Birth Certificate was sent back because they needed more identification included. This time around, I'm going to try to change the name on it to match my new legal name.

There's a procedure for doing so- I just hope it doesn't add too much time to the whole process.


I'm back from N.C. !

I didn't find out til the last minute that I wouldn't be back until Tuesday, so I arranged for Dad to watch the kids for me.

Anyway, this trip was really a week long vacation for my Dad's sister Nancy and her family. Grandma and Grandpa invited themselves along, and they invited me. My cousin Jennifer and her boyfriend Greg were going as well, and I rode with them. They're about 18 I think. Greg and Jen are supposedly engaged, but according to Nancy it's going to be a loooooooooong engagment. She doesn't want Jen making the mistake of getting married that young.

Nancy also doesn't think to highly of Greg. From what I heard, most of the family doesn't care much for him either, but I found him to be a nice, funny guy. Maybe it's just because I'm looking at it from a 'youngins' viewpoint.

It was an 8 hour drive, but we only drove half of it on Friday, stopping at a hotel along the way. At around noon Saturday, we arrived in Topsail Island, N.C. The place we stayed out was really an ocean-side apartment complex that rented rooms out.

I had only packed for a couple of days so Nancy took me shopping. I didn't have much money so she bought me a nice pair of beach pants and some sandles. I remember at one point she pointed out some short-shorts that said 'Kiss Me' on the back and said I would look cute in those. Cool girl.

That night I bent my No Drinking to Excess rule with a few margaritas and a whole lot of Scotch. Still loaded, Jen, Greg, and I went out on the town, doing a little shopping and what not. I bought some cute earrings that I'm still wearing now.

I also seem to recall I was totally in girly mode with my mannerisms and everything, but since Jen knows about me and probably Greg, they were totally accepting.

The next day, after I recovered from vomitting my guts up, everyone wanted to hit the beach of course. Now I haven't been in the water for years. It had been a while even before I started hormones. But I went down to the beach, long sleeves and pants and all. I definitely felt ridiculous so eventually I broke and changed into some shorts and got in the water.

I kept a short sleeve shirt on though. God I felt so stupid, but I wasn't about to go topless and I'm sure as heck not ready for a bathing suit yet, so a T-shirt it was. Let's not even get into how much I kept adjusting it and folding my arms over my chest.

That water was great for my skin though. It was like a full body facial- I had a Just Fucked glow the next few days without the Fuck.

(Hiya Mom)

Seriously though, I think I looked better than I had in years. When I went out to eat with the family, the guys all got 'Sir', while I got Darlin', Sweetie, and Hun like the rest of the girls. Made me feel a bit giddy.

Your last night somewhere always seems to be the best, and this time was no exception. On Monday Jen, Greg, and I headed down to the pier that stretched a few hundred yards into the water. There was a $1 dollar fee though that we complained about, right up until we got to the end of the pier.

The view was spectacular, and we agreed it was definitely worth it. The rising moon was directly in front of us, rising over the water, leaving a sparkling trail of light across the dark surface that stretched towards us like a golded road. There weren't any stars out, but a little to the left of the moon was a bright red light that I realized was Mars. I remembered reading an article that said it would be the closest to Earth in August than it has been for thousands of years.

We stayed there for a long time admiring the view and eavesdropping on the people next to us. There were about three elderly woman fishing, drinking beer while they complained that their children didn't appreciate them anymore. A bunch of funny tales were being told that had us silently cracking up.

As we were leaving, one of the women got a bite. When she pulled it up, it turned out to be a 10 inch long shark. Taking the hook out, she let us pet it before she threw it back. I had never touched a shark before and found the sensation pretty cool. The skin was like rough sandpaper, except for the belly which was a bit softer than a cats tongue.

Deciding that it was late, we started to head back. Halfway along the pier though, we passed another fisherman who had just gotten a bite. He handed the pole to Greg and told him to reel it in. While Greg was doing that, the fisherman grabbed the line itself and started hauling up his catch. It turned out to be a stingray, which he dumped onto the wooden floor of the pier.

Unfortunatly, he decided to keep it so went about preparing it by taking off the hook and cutting off it's tail. I felt so bad for the little critter, but paid attention in morbid fascination as he pointed out the stinger on the tail and explained how one prick with that would send you to the ER.

As it sat gasping, I knelt down and pet it softly, as if that simple gesture would somehow soothe it's butchering and slow suffocation. It was a lot smoother than the shark, almost slimy. After a few more minutes, we left and headed back to the room.

The next afternoon I headed back home with Jen and Greg. Grandma and Grandpa had left early that morning, and Nancy would be staying until Saturday. And now I'm back. There's a few other things going on of importance, but I'm tired and willl leave them for tomorrow.

Good to be back. Hmm, well, not that great.


My Grandma (Dad's Mom) wants to spend some time with me before I leave, so she asked if I wanted to go with her to North Carolina. I think she's taking a couple of days off at a fancy resort down there.

So I'm going to go. It's only for the weekend- I should be back on Sunday. But Grandma can be just as bad with times and dates as Dad, so who really knows?

In other news, it looks like I might get to California afterall. Mom found out that the law firm she works for has branches in San Francisco and LA, so instead of quitting and going to Seattle, she's going to put in for a transfer to California. We're going down there at the end of the month to check out the area. Unfortunatly, it's nowhere near where I lived as a kid, so I won't be seeing Erin or any of my old haunts. I suppose that will have to wait.


Ok, everythings ok. It missed us.

So I was the only one home yesterday when the photographer for the real estate agency, Jenny, came by to take some pictures for the ads. Unfortunatly, she forgot her camera so she had to reschedule. But after that was taken care of we just stood by the door chatting for awhile.

We mostly talked about the house and the decor and everything, and than Jenny explained how absent minded she got on Mondays and appologized again for forgetting the camera.

I couldn't really put my finger on it, but there was something about the way she was talking to me. It wasn't a negative vibe at all, just different than what I was used to. I couldn't figure it out, and eventually I just gave up and forgot about it.

That afternoon when Mom came home, she told me that Jenny had called her and explained what happend with the camera. And apparently Jenny also gushed about how Mom's 'daughter was very beautiful.'

Now I do have self-esteem issues, but I just don't see how that's possible. But I'm not even going to get into that.

However it happened, for a few brief minutes I interacted with someone who thought I was a girl and there was definatly a difference, though it was so subtle I didn't realize it until later.

And, hehe, it's pretty good feeling.


Hmm, Emergency Broadcast System just came on and said a Tornado's comin' in. The families all down in the basement, but I stayed to gather some supplies and write this real quick. Will (hopefully) update soon.


I haven't cussed someone out in a long time.

My own aunt, at that.

Today was my Mom's birthday, and Dad came over and took her, me, and a few of my siblings out. Sourpuss that I am, I just couldn't bring myself to be more than an idle spectator, but it was great just watching Mom have fun. We went to a park where she played on the equipment and played tag with the kids. Seeing her running around laughing is a memory I'll hold forever.

Eventually we came home, where Angie was waiting.

About a year and a half ago, Mom's sister Angie moved in with us. My opinion on her has changed greatly since than. While before she was my favorite aunt, now I'll hardly go near her if I can help it. I find her very condescending to those around her, and treats us in a way that leaves a lot to be desired. But we usually bite our tongue because she does help out a lot.

Anyway, it all happend so quickly. Mom went outside to talk to Dad for a moment before he left, and I went upstairs. Downstairs, I heard Angie talking to my sister Brooke. Apparently Brooke had asked to go to Dad's house and Angie was repeatedly asking her to give her one good reason why she should go, in that super annoyingly superior tone.

After the third time I finally spoke up. "Well, maybe because she loves him." And than she said some stuff, mentioning that I was butting in. Well, yeah, I was. Angie butts in CONSTANTLY, and a fight we had a few weeks ago was over that very fact. I said that I would remember that next time SHE butts in, and than she said a few more stuff, where I basically said whatever, I'd just like her to stop interrogating my sister.

And THAN she started going on and on with personal insults, but I made a point of ignoring her, even when she told me to grow up. I could be the bigger person. Than she said a few things that really hit home, accenting it with a 'grow the fuck' up, and I snapped and found that I couldn't be the bigger one after all.

Yeah, you know, I AM still living at home. It may seem, as Mike said, that I'm here just mooching.

In my bio I mentioned that I couldn't put up with the teasing, so I dropped out of school to get my GED. Yeah, that was part of it, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. I'd had worse. The truth is Mom was broke, and she couldn't afford a babysitter. And she couldn't leave her job for one with more flexible hours or we'd be on the street.

And she didn't exactly ask me, but we both new it was the only solution. So I left school to babysit.

This fall, my youngest sibling will start school, so I won't be needed and can strike off on my own. It's the only reason I didn't leave a long time ago.

So having this woman tell me I should Grow the Fuck Up because I'm defending my sister, and because I'm still living here, caused me to snap. I said she was a Bitch and could go Fuck herself. Not exactly eloquent, but emotions were running high.

Mom came back inside just in time to hear Angies Grow Up and my Response. And than Mom and Angie started fighting, and after a bit you could see it had been building for a while; my fight with Angie was just the catalyst.

I don't know where things stand now. Angie wants to leave, and Mom says she'd probably be happier if she did. Angie went out for a drive, and now things have calmed down a bit.

K, that's all for now.


Paxil. In my case it was certaintly a wonder drug, despite some of the things I read about it.

I used to get frequent panic attacks caused by a lot of things, but mainly worrying about my health or situations that were happening to me at the time.

If you've never had one, count yourself lucky- they are NOT fun.

I've been off Paxil for months now, but I haven't had any more panic attacks. I still worry about a lot of things, of course, but it doesn't get close to the point where I would go over the edge.

I remember my first one very vividly; I mentioned it in my diary but I didn't know what it was at the time. I just said it felt like something bad was going to happen.

I was sitting at my computer when KABLAM. It felt like someone drove a hammer into my head. Eventually I found out it was just a very bad migraine, but for a few seconds I thought that my brain Hemorrhaged or something.

That launched me into two days of shaking, hyperventilation, sweating, and an all around feeling of dread.

Wasn't fun.

But anyway, just wanted to say I'm much better. Just so everyone knows I'm not QUITE as bad as I was only a year ago.


Ooohhhh yeah, to answer someones question, UCOMDL stands for Unedited Commentary On My Daily Life.

Clever, eh?

I'm such a moron.

Wow, it's August. I'll be leaving home on the 30th, where I'll stay in a temporary residence to take care of all the last minute details. Than I'll be on my way. Finally!

Mom has been stressing out a lot while she plans to relocate herself and my siblings to Seattle. She doesn't mind taking risks when it's just herself, but when her kids are involved she wants to make sure every detail is planned down to the finest level. Since she doesn't just want to show up and work and live there without knowing the area, Mom's going to go down there for about a week just so she can get to know everything a bit better, and go on some job interviews.

She'd like me to go, because she's coming back right before I'm do to leave and would like to spend some quality time with me before I go.

I'd like to go, but it all depends on money. Like everything I suppose. I'm already on an impossibly thin budget, but I'll see what I can do.

And speaking of Mom, she signed my new guestbook!

And a special thanks to Allison- I'll reply soon :)