Another Month, another update...

I see the entry about 'Ana's moving in was just a handful of posts ago, and here we are, three and a half months later, and she's moved out.

We've had a couple of arguments that almost resulted in her leaving. Each time, after we both cooled off she'd go into Therapist mode and talk about communication, how I shouldn't be burning bridges... In the end, I was the villain, I apologized, and she'd end up staying.

It finally got to the point where I realized she was toxic. She wasn't totally crazy, she just...it's hard to explain.

About a month ago, when I got my new iPod, I told 'Ana' she could have my old mp3 player. Fastforward to about a couple of hours ago. My sister said she wanted an mp3 player for Christmas, so while 'Ana' and I were walking about the city, as we usually do, I told her about my sisters list and asked her if I could have it back.

"NO WAY! YOU GAVE IT TO ME- I'M NOT GIVING IT BACK!"

She said it was at her mothers, that it was a gift and it's rude of me to ask for it back. Then she said, like I was a total cunt, "Whatever, you can have it back. I don't want to argue."

I didn't really know how to respond to that, at first. Since I started keeping track on October 1st, I've spent over $400 on her- not including food, gifts, movie tickets, etc. I thought it ironic that during this argument she was wearing the jeans I bought her for her new job- which she didn't end up working at because she didn't like the person training her.

When she was 'stranded' in Las Vegas, I was the first person she called and I immediatly bought her a ticket home. (I say 'stranded' because it turns out her Dad was ready to take her home, she just decided she didn't want to be with him anymore because of his attitude.)

I tried explaining this to her, that I wasn't upset about the stupid mp3 player, it was the fact that after all I've given her, all the things I've done for her, she would react that way over something she's never even used.

She just didn't seem to get it, and that's when I said she was completly toxic. I told her to get all of her stuff together and move it out of my room- she could put it in the Hotel's storage area until she found a new place.

This girl...she was a stranger. When the boss decided not to hire her and she had nowhere else to go, I barely knew her. I offered to let her stay because I'm a total sap . But we became friends and I let it drag out.

I know hindsight is 20/20. Truth is, I saw this coming two months ago, but the 90% of the time where we were best friends was great. We did everything together, she taught me a little piano and a little guitar, and I told her about all the cool tech in the pipeline. She turned me on to bands I'd never even heard of (Neutral Milk Hotel? WTF?). We watched 'The Office' together, She'd sing to me as we walked down the street, providing a great soundtrack to anotherwise dreary street...

Even though we were almost completly different, I thought she was a good friend.

The other 10% though... I would stew on it for awhile, but I'd try to put it out of my mind. Like how after three months, she had yet to find a job.

How she'd complain about her Ex inviting her out to a concert, and she didn't want to go because she was on the rebound, and she didn't want to drink or smoke and end up in another bad relationship...and than when she changed her mind two hours later and wanted to go, and I tried to remind her of all the reasons she had mentioned she'd yell it was None of my Business, that she was 28 and capable of making her own decisions.

I finally realized that even though she left home at a very young age, she was just living from boyfriend to boyfriend (or gullible sap).

She's never really been on her own, and consequently, doesn't seem to make the best decisions.

I didn't say any of this of course. We would argue a bit, I'd be the villain, and I'd apologize. Than I stopped apologizing, and just tried glossing over it and putting it out of my mind.

But today was the last straw- when I realized that despite all of my defending her, pleading her case to the Logical part of my brain, she really was taking advantage of me. I like to think that it wasn't totally on purpose, that it's just a way of life for her brought on by a lack of guidance growing up, or maybe a defense mechanism from a string of people taking advantage of her all her life.

There I go defending her again...

So, now she's gone. (Before leaving, she tossed the mp3 player on my bed- turns out it wasn't really at her Mother's house.)

And now, in a bit of a funk, I'm listening to Fastball's 'Out of my Head' on infinite repeat.

"Was I out of my head, was I out of my mind...? How could I have ever been so blind...?"


...And in other news, I've got a date tomorrow.

Well, Halloween has come and gone, and I'm still recovering. I really didn't intend to drink so much- just kinda happened.

'Ana' originally was going to stay in because she didn't want to drink, which would cause her to smoke, but she was having guy troubles and ended up smoking anyway, so she she said 'Fuck It' and went out with me.

My costume was a hodge-podge of things I found at the Buffalo Exchange. I was going to wear some purple fairy wings too, but they just got in the way.

'Ana' didn't really have a costume, except for my wings which I let her wear. (By the end of the night she had gotten some pink 1950ish style sunglasses and an oversized top-hat that she found on the street.)

As soon as we left the hotel a guy offered to let us share a cab with him to The Mission, where we stopped off at a Bar called The Attic and I had a couple of Cosmos. Coincidentally, this is also where things start to get a bit blurry.

We stopped by a liquor store and got some Vodka, and than headed to the Castro for the annual party there, but outside alcohol wasn't allowed so we didn't end up going in. (Good thing, too- nine people got shot when a guy pulled out a gun.)

During the next ten minutes, I somehow downed my bottle of vodka while 'Ana' went to find a bathroom, and she came back to find me sitting on the sidewalk, making out with some guy. Heh, my first kiss with a boy and I don't even remember what he looked like.

It's a total blur after that, punctuated with me vomitting in the street several times while 'Ana' practically carried me back home. So that was my night, really. 90% of it is a blank.

The next morning I was out of commission until 2PM, so I'm glad I didn't have to work. After that morning, I vowed to never drink again. Wonder how long that will last?

Posted a few blurry, pre-shit faced pics up on Flickr. Seeya!