PART II:

You don't really need to read Part I for this to make sense.

Actually, it doesn't make sense at all.

I did it. I finally just came out and said- 'Amy', I am madly in love with you.

Well, no, not really.

Let's back up a little. Yes, I've had some relationships. I'm sort of in one now with this girl I recently met. (I can say with reasonable accuracy that it won't go anywhere- Shocker of shockers, right?)

But, I mean, 'Amy' has always been The One. I mean, I'm usually a smart person. Yeah, I've said horrible things about her. And she's done things to me that have hurt. But, I don't know, like I said- ever since we first met, I believed this person was my soulmate.

And the other day, she said something to that affect as well.

So anyway, after a great night yesterday, after we said our goodbyes for the night, I walked home, and for some reason, I felt compelled to put my feelings on the table. It wasn't the alcohol.

I forgot to mention this, but after my stay in the hospital from the X, my body chemistry seems to have changed. I was pretty scared for a bit there- sometimes I literally couldn't sit still, like I had advanced Restless Limb Syndrome. But eventually it faded when I cut back on the caffeine. I seem to be hypersensitive to stimulants now.

In addition, after as many drinks as I had last night, I should have been drunk off my ass. I got a buzz, albeit a fairly weak one. Alcohol isn't even very fun anymore, but that doesn't seem to stop me from trying.

So anyway, when I got home, I sspent about an hour writing her an email. I wasn't drunk, so I thought it was fairly well-written. And it wasn't a lovey-dovey sap poem or anything like that, it was a raw description of my feelings for her- good and bad.

It began with my 'revelation' of my own mortality, how I shouldn't hold everything inside, I should take more chances, because eventually, it won't even matter. A large chunk of the letter was devoted to expressing my resentment over the eviction- about how I felt like she was toying with me for amusement, how viscious she was in her verbal assaults, and how hurt I was by them.

And then I apologized for the events that lead up to that, and I forgave her for how she reacted. And I really do. I forgive her- the anger is just gone.

I only dedicated a few lines at the end to my other feelings for her. I explained that if I wasn't too young and cynical to believe in love, I would say that I love her. But right now, what I can say is that I like her, and that I want to be more than friends.

-

I have a fairly active imagination, and can concoct some pretty vivid dreamworlds and fantasies sometimes. But in truth, I'm something of a realist.

Like, for example, I know that 'Amy's not going to read that email and show up on my doorstep in the pouring rain. She won't look up at me, soaked to the bone, her eyes shrink-wrapped in tears. And without a word, I won't wrap my arms around her waist, and I won't draw her in for a kiss that seals our eternal everburning blah blah dee daaaaaa.

No, I don't expect any of that sappy shit. The Truth is this- a girl like her, she's not looking to settle down with someone like me. She couldn't ever like me as more than a friend. And now, after such a frank confession, she probably won't even be that anymore.

So why? Why was I compelled to ruin such a thing? Like I said, Life is Short. I'm not going to waste my life away pining over someone like that. At least now, SOMETHING will happen. I won't sit around in a limbo, "secretly" admiring her from afar.

Once she responds negatively, as I know she will, maybe I can finally move on.

It's rather cliched, but I feel like a weight has been lifted. I woke up today and didn't feel afraid. I can become addicted to this feeling- maybe I'll do something like this more often.