Heh, well, here I am.

I had meant to post, but I never seemed to find the time. And now, here I am sitting in Tampa International waiting for the flight back to civilization.

It was a pretty fun visit. I treated the family to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. We got rained out of the second park- ended up getting pretty soaked. That was OK though, I was wearing my 'Summer Blake' ensemble that I picked up for the trip, and so I dried out quickly enough.

It was kind of weird, wearing white.

Anyway, so now I'm heading back home, looking forward to a week of doubles to help make up for some of my time away.

The "Cold Fish", I sent her a txt while I was out here. I figured that I'd probably never hear from her again, so I might as well be the bigger person and offer some closure (for myself, mostly), basically telling her that I hope she finds what she's looking for, I'm sorry things didn't work out, and to take care.

So imagine my surprise when she actually responds with a "What do you mean 'not working out?'" Jeez. I wasn't going to fall into another game of mixed signals though, so I just sent a short email detailing it out:

That I had fun and had hoped for something more, but I had gotten the impression that she wasn't feeling the same way- which is fine, because that's what the whole concept of dating is all about. But, if I misunderstood her, just let me know because I'd love to get together again sometime.

Finally, I did something direct for a change. Sent that yesterday, no response. Ha.

Well, hopefully my next entry will be from San Francisco.

Well, I fly out tomorrow so this will probably be my last post this week. If it turns out to be my LAST post, it'll be the planes fault, not mine.

Despite some promising turn of events with that girl I had been seeing, the Cold Fish, it's over. We had a nice third date, or so I thought, but now she's not answering my calls. Heh. I think that brochure was lying- feeling like a Pathetic Loser is not all it's cracked up to be. In fact, it's not nice at all.

So in the span of a month, I lost my (closest thing to) a best friend, the only romantic possibility I had going for me, and even 'Ally' isn't responding to emails. The Trifecta.

Eesh.

I try to put a positive spin on it, but it just seems to devolve into me muttering about "fuckin' cunts" into my vodka tumbler while I sit in my room with the shades drawn and all the lights off.

Ooh, how angsty.

It's not their fault though. Not entirely. I came to the conclusion about a year ago that I'm 'broken'. Despite the whole "What is Normal, Anyway?" argument, I'm not. I'm very ABnormal. It lends credit to my theory that I'm at least half-alien. (And I'm only half-joking)

I just can't seem to function normaly in society on anything but a most basic level. How does everyone else do it? It really is a gigantic mystery to me.

Agh, screw it. I'm swearing off women.

Heh, silly me. That girl I shared my first kiss with? 'Ally'? How could I forget- She's the subject of my very first UCOMDL entry!

11/11/2000 on the old Geocities Site ------------------>


So, we'll see where things go with that. Knowing me, it can't end well. But anyway...

The power just went out in the building and the surrounding blocks. So, I've got about 4 hrs or so of battery usage left. Guess I should watch that Entourage episode I downloaded before my battery goes kaput.

Hmm, guess I jumped the gun when I said she was married. More like engaged.

Totally unrelated to that revelation, I sent her an email and we chatted a bit.

It's kind of cool, reconnecting with someone from your past like that. Granted, it's not like it's been all that long, maybe 5 years or so since I've seen her, but still...

It's kind of hazy, but I recall "Coming Out" to her. I didn't have to say much, really, as I bumped into her 'en femme' at the mall. Tight jeans, powder blue blouse with matching tennis shoes, and a light hint of makeup.

Eesh.

I'm not all that passable now, but back then, pre-hormones, forget about it. I felt like Frankenstein's monster or something. Not sure how I worked up the nerve.

Well, she seemed pretty cool about it. I seem to remember that she's kind of kinky.

So anyway, after drudging around my past through the modern miracle of the internet, I've found that I feel...compelled...to return to my hometown.

I didn't make many friends- in fact I was hated or ignored by pretty much everyone. But the connections I DID manage to make, they ran pretty deep. Heh, I'm suddenly imagining a TG version of that movie 'Just Friends'. I think that would be a pretty cool storyline. Much better than the overdone "Straight Guy has to Dress Up as a girl inorder to [Insert Improbable Situation Here] and Save the Day, Get the Girl, and Learn an Important Life Lesson."

If I DID ever go back, I'd probably have to get my drivers license first. (Did I mention that I never got that? I detest driving, and last thing I wanted was another ID with a big fat M that I'd have to change later. But nowadays, I don't think it's all that big a deal. I still hate driving though.)

This year is pretty busy, travel expenditure wise, but who knows- maybe next year.

And Go On it does, what with bills to be paid and work to be done.

Especially work. It's pretty stressful, as the boss only seems to believe in delegating when it comes to himself. Me, I'm expected to know everything, and to do everybody else's job.

I guess that's why I make the big bucks.

Yesterday sucked, getting phone calls every 5 minutes about such and such things, mistakes other people made, why I'm not on top of them, and so on.

Today has slowed down a little bit, so, here I am.

I got a pretty big shock, though. A blast from the past, one might say. Mom invited me to MySpace, so I put up a quick, empty page. That's when I realized you could search for other people by their real name.

And the first name I tried was my High School Sweetheart, the one I gave a ring too. And I found her. J's site was just as empty as mine, but her Friends List linked to her sister and brother's site, which was more filled out. And the brother's site had a picture of all of them together.

Wow, I can't believe how much people can change in ten years. Last time I saw K and A, they were little kids. Unbelievable.

I feel really old now.

And J, well, I'm having trouble believing it's her. She looks like a supermodel. Well, I only fall for the pretty ones.

I also found my Other High School Sweetheart- the girl who, in fact, I had my first kiss with. She's now happily married, with a child. Wow.

I feel really young now.

So it's official- I'm headin' "Home" for about a week.

I bought the plane ticket, and I'll be leaving mid-July- just a couple of weeks from now.

The original plan was to head out there in September. Well, the original, orginal plan was to go to the Bahamas in June, and then catch Florida on the way back. But I decided to use the money to fly the family out here for Christmas.

But I'd like to see them again before than, plus there's a possibility Dad will be heading out to Florida at the same time, so maybe I'll see the Boys, too.

I'm also going to treat the family to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. I haven't been there in years.

In fact, I think the last time I was there, was when I first discovered that transitioning was the path for me.

God, I looked pretty ridiculous walking around in that crappy wig and second hand clothing, but I felt free, ya know?

So, I think that'll be fun. I could use the vacation- haven't taken a day off in seven months. Not only that, it'll be nice to get out of the city for awhile. Not that I don't love it, sometimes I just like to drop off the map- not that anyone's looking for me anyway.

'Amy' never wrote back or contacted me, as I knew she wouldn't. Even though I put a P.S. that she could just ignore this and we can stay friends, that was more a formality than anything. That email- that was my good-bye.

I let her go.

A part of me says good-riddance, a part of me is in mourning for the lost of my friend. Darn Aquarian duality.

So I'm back on that long, dark path again. My cellphone silent, my afterwork schedule empty. Once again, it's just me, my shadow, and my thoughts.

Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Maybe there really is some greater purprose, something in motion requiring me to travel alone.

Or not. Most likely, my human ego is deluding itself to avoid the ugly truth- that we're all insignificant.

And yet...life goes on.